Finding Joy In My Journey

MOODY MONDAY

2012-01-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

So I know it has been awhile and my mom is worried that I'm not doing well, but I think it is a good thing. I'm not constantly checking and wondering where I am at. I'm going to have to rethink whether or not I need Moody Monday anymore. I am YELLOW in case you were wondering. I took a little trip down to Tucson on Friday with my amazing mother-in-law. I went to share my story at a training on perinatal mood disorders. My cousin Tiffany who lives in Tucson also came to watch me. So I had my own little audience! I didn't know she was going to do this, but my MIL recorded me when it was my turn. I hate watching and hearing myself on video, but I know there are several people that would like to see this so I will put it on here, and like I've said before I just hope that my story will help other moms not be afraid to reach out and talk to someone and get help when they are suffering. It was so not worth holding on to all that pain just because I was embarrassed and afraid of what people would think of me. It does get better! You are not alone!

Moody Monday

2011-12-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

So it has been awhile. I had a couple of rough weeks and I resorted to old coping skills. I kept silent and didn't tell anyone what was going on. I didn't feel like blogging because I didn't want to bother anyone with my troubles. I should know better by now that that doesn't work out very well for me. I'm past all that now and back on track. Today I am YELLOW! I had a wonderful Christmas yesterday and enjoyed the time that I got to spend with
family. I'm looking forward to this week! My husband is taking the whole week off so we can have some family time.

My fabulous SIL over at craftifyit.blogspot.com made me this wonderful sign for Christmas. It's the theme of my blog and I love it!!! It is going to hang in my room.

I also got a little something from my Mom. I'm super excited to have an iPad!!! I'm having fun figuring everything out and getting all my apps on it. My husband says now I will never have to get out of bed. Ha Ha!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas! Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-11-21T11:37:00.000-08:00

Okay I'm back! I just needed some time to think and process everything that has happened over the last month, and it didn't feel right to put a color to it. The funeral service was beautiful! My husband and all his siblings did a wonderful job at speaking and giving tribute to their Dad. We all miss him so much!

2 Green I have been doing pretty well. I've seen my therapist once a week for the past 3 weeks. Once with my husband. Once with my mom, and once for myself. The husband and I are good. She doesn't feel like we really need to go together anymore. If my mom is willing to go back then there is probably more stuff to work on. My therapist was pretty straightforward with my mom on some things last time. I'm use to my therapist. That's why I love her, but I'm not sure what my mom thought of the whole session. I saw my therapist today and she said that it was very impressive the way I was able to communicate with my mom last week. She also said this is the most stable I have been ever!

So things are moving along as they should be. My homework assignment is for both me and my husband. Since we both feel like our family isn't complete we are to pray to find out how Heavenly Father would want us to go about adding to our family. I know my therapist would push for us to adopt. I also know she is just doing her job. She has to tell me the risks. I told her adoption would be a lot of hard work. She held up my file and said you have been coming here since March 31st 2010 and then she asked me has this been hard work? She said you do not want to lose all this work you have done. I know I have a lot of thinkin and prayin to do, and I don't take this decision lightly.

Have a fantastic week with those you love! Happy Thanksgiving!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-10-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to give a color to my mood today. I honestly don't know how I would rate where I am at. The last few days have been very sad for our family. One of the greatest men I have ever known, my father in law, passed away suddenly at work on Friday. It broke my heart to sit down with our children and tell them that their grandpa had died. My husband did a wonderful job at bearing his testimony to our kids about the knowledge that we have that grandpa is in heaven and that we will see him again someday. I love this man with all my heart. I have known him for half of my life. He was like a second Dad to all of my brothers and sisters. He raised my brother Brian as if he was his own son. He was such a great example to all that he came in contact with and he will be greatly missed.

This is a picture of all the grandchildren that we had framed for grandpa's 60th birthday just over a week ago. He was so proud of all his grandchildren. My father in law is an avid Chicago Cubs fan so we had these t-shirts made for the kids to wear. It says Grandpa's Favorite Cubs. Grandpa loved these kids so much and we pray that they will be able to hang on to the memories that they have with their grandpa.

I'm so thankful for the knowledge that I have that families are together forever! Love you Dad!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-10-17T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm great! YELLOW! I had a fantastic week with my family during Fall Break. I'm so looking forward to crafting with friends on Friday. Today I got my story typed up for the Perinatal Mood Disorder training conference coming up next week. I'm looking forward to speaking on the panel again. I invited my mother in law to come with me. I don't know how much of my story she knows. If she reads my blog she hasn't told me she does. Lately she has shown an interest in knowing about what I've been through. I figured this would be a good way to let her know where I've been over the last five years. Should be a good time. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-10-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

It feels good to be YELLOW once again. It has been awhile. I'm feeling strong. Friday was a beautiful day for my brother to get married. I'm so happy for him and his new wife.

Aren't they so cute together? I'm so thankful for my in-laws who have raised my brother for the past six years. They did an amazing job.

I love this time of year! I'm looking forward to the holidays and the cooler weather. I'm also looking forward to crafting. I'm going to make this

this

and this

I can't wait! Check out www.notsupersaturday.blogspot.com orders are due tomorrow. Have a great week!

Doing Better

2011-10-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to get on here and say that I'm feeling a lot better today. I went to group then out to lunch with some girls from group. I was able to gather my thoughts and I emailed them to my therapist. She responded positively. All is well. I have a voice! It might take me 24 hours to find it, but it is there.

MOODY MONDAY

2011-10-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

7 orange I wish I could say that I'm orange for Halloween. I'm feeling really discouraged and hopeless today. I saw my therapist this morning and it didn't go well. She was like why are we even here. She says that I'm sabotaging myself. She says that I'm going back to my old coping skills and I'm not using my tools. She said that I need to get assertive and stop being the victim. She wants to try doing the EMDR therapy on me again. She said she is going to push me harder than I've ever been pushed before. I left the office feeling sick to my stomach and with my anxiety level at a 7. I've just tried to stay busy today and not think about it too much. My brother is getting married on Friday, so this week is going to be busy. Hopefully that will help me push through this week. Have a great week!

One more month

2011-09-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

The NP is giving me one more month to pull my stuff together. I told her that I just wasn't willing to go back on the med yet. She said she is confident that I can do this, but I need to be confident in myself. I promised to call her if it keeps getting worse. She also brought up ADD again and I was like hello we have talked about this before and you put me on that medicine and it did horrible things to me no thank you. Besides the idea is for me to come off the meds not add new ones. She agreed.

I had a meltdown on Wednesday. I've had high anxiety for over a week, and it got worse with trying to do my homework assignment. I called my therapist crying like a baby. I said I don't think I can do this homework. I'm not in a good place right now with trying to come off the med. She said don't do the homework. Then we talked about what my plan was going to be. I can't just sit at home and wallow in my stuff. She said get out of the house, go walk around Target, do something to nurture and take care of yourself. Walking around Target was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did agree to call my friend Crystal for some support. I called Crystal still crying and she offered to come over for a visit. So that was nice and it helped me to calm down. Yesterday was a little bit better. I had to force myself out of the house. I was literally sick to my stomach leaving the house. I went to the mall for some retail therapy and then I went and got a pedicure. Usually those things are fun for me to do, but yesterday it was just hard. I never would have thought that I would have to force myself to shop and get a pedicure. Today has been a lot better. I worked out which I haven't done in over a week, and then I got to babysit three of my nephews. One of which is a sweet little baby. Well they are all sweet, but it was nice to get some baby love.

Anyways I feel like I'm getting stronger each day, so I'm thankful for that. I know I can do it! Have a great weekend!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-09-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

3 aqua. I'm tired. I was up way too late last night. I couldn't shut off my brain. I was nervous about my appointment with my mom this morning. I think it went well. We had so much fun that we are going to do it again in a month. I'm thankful that my mom is willing to do this for me. My homework assignment is to write about what the devastation of my family falling apart has cost me.

I see the NP tomorrow. If I'm honest then I will tell her that I feel like I'm slipping, but I really don't want to go back on the medication. I want to give myself a chance to do this without the med. We'll see what she has to say.

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-09-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

Yellow! Its been a long busy day. I'm thankful for the busy part. It was nice to not have time to get lost in my thoughts. I got to play with the cutest 1 year old today. Her mom just had surgery and isn't able to pick her up for the next 4 weeks, so I went over to help out where I could. It was nice to visit with my friend and get some toddler love at the same time. I love that age!

I'm looking forward to going to group tomorrow. Our group has really been growing lately. There is one mom in particular that I'm praying for. She has PPOCD and has really been struggling. I wish I knew all the right words to say to make her feel better. But when you are smack in the middle of this illness you really don't believe what other people try to tell you. You just want it to be over. You want to be better yesterday! Being a mom is one of the most amazing things you can do, and it stinks that some moms get dealt the perinatal mood disorder card. It just plain stinks, but I'm here to tell you that you will get better. It's gonna be okay.

Alright it's time for me to get in bed. I'll get off my soapbox. Have a great week! Oh and for the most part I find joy in helping my kids do their homework : )

2011-09-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

My therapist says that the ball is in my court. It's up to me to choose if I'm going to do things differently. Um different would be the goal. I know I have all the "tools" to help me change. It's just that change is hard and from my experience it is often painful. Why would I want to sign up for that? I'll tell you why. Because I love my family and I want to be there for them. They deserve to have the best me.

MOODY MONDAY

2011-09-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

YELLOW Life is good. I'm just trying to stay busy during the day. It helps that I workout three days a week. That takes up my whole morning. I seem to be doing well coming off my med. Although I'm not sleeping as well as I would like, so I will need to keep an eye on that.

Next month I get the opportunity to speak on a panel at another perinatal mood disorder training conference. I'm so excited to share my story again. I have had this picture hanging up in my room from the Kelly Rae Roberts collection for over a year now. It is a good reminder to me to tell my story and more importantly believe in healing. I still have moments where I feel like I am never going to be completely whole again and then I remember to have faith in the process and to believe in healing. It has already gotten so much better and I know if I continue to push myself and do the work I will keep progressing.

This week is therapy with the husband. I'm looking forward to it. It should be a good one. My husband is a trooper and I think that therapy has been helpful for us as a couple. I hope he feels the same way. I'm also looking forward to having my mom join me on the couch in a couple of weeks. I think it will be a positive experience for both of us. If anyone else wants to join me and my therapist for 40 minutes of pure enjoyment just let me know : )

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY on a Tuesday

2011-09-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

I hope you had a fantastic Labor Day weekend! Mine was very quiet. My husband took the kids up north while I stayed home to enjoy some time to myself. Truth is I should have gone with my family. Being alone wasn't as fun as I was hoping it would be. Oh well. It's done. Lesson learned.

I saw my therapist today and felt a little beat up. I really don't feel like talking about it, but I will say that I think I am going to take my mom up on her offer to go to therapy with me. My only concern is that the relationship we have will get worse by doing this. My therapist said your mom is not an idiot. She isn't expecting this to be a picnic. She wants to help you though. I'm willing to try anything. I can use all the help I can get.

I talked to the NP and she agreed to let me try to come off one of my meds. So far so good. I'm still taking a small dose every other day to wean off of it.

As for my mood I'm gonna say 4 pink. Earlier today I would have said 6 brown but I'm feeling a lot better so I'll stay on the positive side. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-08-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

I played this Kelly Clarkson song for my therapist last Friday. This song reminds me of all the feelings I have associated with my parents. I'm tired of blaming my parents for my issues. My homework assignment is to take this song and go line by line and write what the negative meaning is behind each line. My therapist said she wants me to know just how much control I have given to my parents. I told her I know. She said pointing to her heart I want you to really know.

I see the NP tomorrow morning. I'm going to ask if I can try to come off one of my meds again. I tried once before to come off this one and it was recommended that I check into the hospital. I don't think it was exactly fair though because I blame it on the ADD medication that I started the same time I was weaning off the med. So we'll try again and see how it goes. Send prayers my way. Please and thank you.

I've been having some good days, so I'm going to go with YELLOW! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-08-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

I just got home from my first official workout with my trainer. It didn't go so well. I'm so not use to physical activity and I embarrassingly threw up after pushing it too hard. Luckily someone got a garbage can to me just in time. My trainer felt really bad. She pointed to the other two trainers in the room and said this only happens to them. I'm supposed to be the nice trainer. It would be real easy for me to say never mind, but I'm not giving up. I go back on Wednesday to try again. This time it will only be for 30 minutes and we will go a lot slower.

I saw my therapist last Friday, and I'll see her again this Friday. It's been a long time since I've been two weeks in a row. I know awhile ago I said that I didn't need to go as often, but I think that I was just trying to escape before things got too hard for me. I've hit a wall. I know that if I want to get any better than where I'm at I'm gonna have to change some things. I realized on Friday that I still have a lot of pain associated with the choices that my parents have made and it is keeping me stuck where I'm at. My therapist asked me how long do I want to let who my parents are control me. I got tears in my eyes, but I wasn't able to answer her question, so that turned into my homework assignment. Write about and answer three questions. How long do I want to let who my parents are control me? How can I accept my parents for who they are? And what do I need to accept about them? Rarely do I show emotion, so my therapist was thrilled that she hit on something that made me cry, so we need to find out what it is about. So far I have a page and a half written. This is probably one of the most important assignments that I have been given and I'm taking it seriously. My husband laughs at me because I've been listening to my "angry music" and beating the heck out of my pillow to get in touch with my feelings. I say whatever it takes to get it out.

As for my mood I'm gonna say 5 purple. I really hate throwing up so that kinda ruined my day. No worries. I'll be fine tomorrow : ) Have a great week!

Get Down and Give Me 20!

2011-08-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

I started seeing a personal trainer today. She was very nice. Nothing like the picture that I had in my head. Hopefully this will be the motivation I need to get in shape. I know that I will feel so much better mentally and physically by exercising. I just need a little help.

MOODY MONDAY

2011-08-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

The first day of school was a success. I did shed a few tears sending them all off, otherwise I had a fantastic day with my husband who took the day off so we could spend our anniversary together. Love you babe!

Last week was rough for me. I struggled with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I heard of a girl in my area that committed suicide and it really hit home even though I didn't know her. We were the same age, had the same number of children, same faith, and she had postpartum psychosis. It just makes me wonder what her story was. Was she getting help for it? Did she have someone to talk to? Then the superhero in me that wants to save everyone comes out and I wonder what I can do so that this doesn't happen again. I don't have an answer, but I'm willing to figure it out. I've got lots of time on my hands : )

Went to therapy with my hubby last Friday. We talked about how I almost always attach a negative meaning to everything that happens in my life. Like when my son told the psychologist that I never go with them to Grandma's house to go swimming. All I heard was I'm a bad mom, and I was sure that that was what the psychologist was thinking too. My therapist said how bout you look at it this way. Your husband wants to spend quality time with his children and give you a little break from the kids, and shame on the psychologist if she did judge you. You are a great mom! My therapist asked where are you at because I was giving her a blank look. I told her I was upset with myself for not having this concept figured out yet. She was like oh brother and really!???? She said it's not about perfection! She then asked what I would write on my blog next and I said that I would write that my therapist yelled at me and she threw her head back yelling to the heavens always gotta be a victim! I can see how my thinking is more on the pessimistic side and with the help of my husband we are going to challenge those negative views. Having said that I will think positively and score my mood at 2 Green. not quite yellow but feeling much better than last week. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-08-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

4 pink I've had some sadness over the past week. I met with a child psychologist last week. She is going to be working with my oldest son who has had a lot of anxiety since our house was broken into last October. Meeting with her forced me to look at the past. It made me sad to realize that no matter how hard I tried to hide this illness from my family it still affected them. I can't dwell on all the things I shoulda coulda done. I can take care of me and my family today. I hope my family knows how much I love them.

I find joy in the fact that my 11 year wedding anniversary is this week, and lets not forget the first day of school which happens to fall on our anniversary. What a wonderful day Wednesday will be! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY on a Tuesday

2011-08-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

I was a little under the weather yesterday with a bladder infection, but I'm feeling much better today :) One more week before school starts! I don't know if I should cry or jump up and down for joy. I think there will probably be a little bit of both. I know that I've mentioned this before but the beginning of the school year is the anniversary for me of when my PPOCD really kicked in full swing. It's been a long 5 years but I wouldn't change any of it. Well maybe if I could change one thing it would be to have gotten help when it first started, but even then I learned a lot about myself during the two years that I was silent. Faith in my savior Jesus Christ was key in my getting through those two years. There came a point though that I didn't want to just suffer and endure through it anymore. I knew that I couldn't be the wife and mother that I wanted to be by staying silent. My family deserved better. I'm proud of how far I've come. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but I know that I will get there. Have a great week! Oh dear I almost forgot to tell you where I'm at today. Yellow!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-07-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

I saw my therapist this morning. I love how direct she is with me. Today she said that she isn't going to blow sunshine up my butt just to make me feel better. She said we have to deal with reality. Growing up reality was avoided in my house. There was always a big elephant in the room that never got discussed. It's still that way with my family. She pointed out that I have had more anxiety and depression since our last appointment where we talked about the reality of me having another child. I want everything to be unicorns and rainbows, and I don't want to deal with the fear and all the what ifs of having another baby. I have been avoiding my feelings by being tired and wanting to sleep my life away. I have allowed small things that have bothered me turn into big depressing things. Like my weight. I have gained over 25#'s since starting on the meds just over a year ago :( Instead of dealing with it and doing things like exercise, and eating healthier, I've let myself get depressed over it and I've listened to a lot of negative self talk. Blah Blah Blah. I'm tired of getting stuck in these old behavior patterns. It's time for me to really make some changes in my life. I have lots of great plans for myself once school starts up again. For now I will just enjoy having my kids home for the next couple of weeks. Oh and despite the anxiety and depression my mood has been yellow today! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-07-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

4 pink I'm feeling mixed emotions around here. Any confidence that I had in my ability to have another child is gone. I have a lot to work on. I'm thankful for my therapist and husband who push and challenge me. I will not just jump off my meds and get pregnant like I did last time. I will take things slow. I will make sure I'm in a good place. I've been doing good, but I need more stability under my belt. I need to make sure I want to have a baby for all the right reasons. I wish I wasn't so anxious and confused. If just the thought of having a baby makes me feel this way, than what would an actual baby do to me? This needs to be a happy choice, and all I feel right now is scared. I need to work on BEING a mom to the kids I already have. I need to set all this baby talk aside for now and just focus on me and my family.

Lots of changes are coming up next month. My sister is moving out :( We are all very sad about this, but hopefully it will be a good change for everyone. Also all of my children will be starting school. I'm going to have a lot of me time. I need to set some goals and have a plan to help me stay busy or else I can tell you right now my moods will not be pretty. Well I need to get off the computer and do some domestic things like dishes and make dinner. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-07-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'll go with yellow! It was a good week. I was supposed to see my therapist this morning with my hubby, but she had to cancel because she is sick. We rescheduled for this Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. I want to talk about babies :)

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't be in therapy forever. As much as my therapist has been a pain in my butt I will miss her. She rescued me from the awful hell I was in, and I will be sad when I no longer get to talk to her on a regular basis. I know that I can always go back and that therapy can be one of my tools, but right now I probably don't need to go as much. I know I should be proud of that, but instead it just scares me. One of my homework assignments is to define my resources. Who can I go to, what can I do when I find myself struggling. My other assignment is to gather my thoughts and write out what I would say to my dad if he were to come to therapy with me. Just the thought of that makes me nauseated, but somehow I've got to figure out that relationship.

Anyways it's late and I need to go to bed. Good Night! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-07-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm yellow today! Just enjoying the day with my family! Have a Happy Fourth of July!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-06-27T17:26:00.001-07:00

Went to the pharmacy today. Eighty-six bucks for thirty pills. I know it could be a lot worse so I wont complain too much. I saw the NP today and she said this is the best that she has seen me. I let her know that I'm getting baby hungry. We will talk again in a couple of months to see where I'm at and possibly work out a plan to start weaning off some of my meds. I'm not going to rush it though. If there's one thing I learned from my last experience with stopping meds to get pregnant it is to take things slooooow.

I'm at a 3 aqua today. I didn't sleep very well last night and it has made for a bit of a rougher day. That and the kids have been naughty lately. Only 44 days till school starts:) Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-06-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

I got me some baby love last week from this cutie and he melted my heart. I've been pretty content lately with the three kiddos that I have, but this baby reminded me of the desires of my heart. It's not time yet, but one day I know that I will be ready for this. With the help of "my team" I will be able to bring another sweet spirit into this world and our family. I know that I am at high risk for developing another perinatal mood disorder and that it could be worse than before. I also know that this is treatable, and should I find myself back in that hell, I know that I will not be alone. That's the worst part of my whole story. I was alone for so long and it didn't have to be that way. I find comfort in knowing that I have the best family and friends and that there will be many pairs of eyes watching me and making sure that all goes well next time around.

For now though I will continue to focus on my recovery which has been going quite well. Hello Yellow! Summer is flying by! I'm finding joy in spending time with my kids, and I won't lie. It helps that they go to summer camp four days a week for four hours a day :) Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-06-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

So just over a month ago I drove around in my car for about 20 minutes not realizing that my sunglasses looked liked this, and I just knew that there was some sort of lesson I could learn from this silliness. When I first put on the glasses I was in my dark garage getting ready to back out. Something seemed kinda funny but I wasn't able to tell what it was. Even when the sunlight was hitting me in the face I wasn't able to tell that one of the lenses was missing. It wasn't until my daughter said Mom somethings wrong with your glasses that I took them off and realized that the lense was gone. I couldn't believe that I had driven around for that long looking like that, and that I wasn't able to see with my own eyes what was going on. It took someone on the outside to help me figure it out.

I would like to relate this to my depression and anxiety. First of all I can't believe I have been living like this for the past five years not being able to see all the good that is around me. I know that I have a great life, but with the darkness of depression it was hard for me to really even care about my life or the people in it. I didn't see all the good that was right in front of my face. Then there is the anxiety which makes everything appear to be something it's not. I hate anxiety! It's amazing what anxiety can do to you physically and mentally. I'm learning to control it. My husband is learning how to help me with it. By the way our appointment went fabulous! I didn't get yelled at, and I think we both learned a lot about how to help me with the anxiety and the thoughts. I feel like I have been in the light for the past six months or so, but at times it has still been hard for me to see, and so I get help from the outside. I trust others to see for me, as they help me figure it all out.

The lesson that I learned is when you are struggling with anything in life it's always best to have a second pair of eyes. Find that someone that you can trust your life with, and when you can't see because things are too dark, let that someone see for you. I also learned that maybe I should get my eyes checked =)

I hope you are all having a fabulously yellow day like I am. Happy Monday!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-06-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

Is it Monday already!? That week sure flew by. I had a couple of rough days, but all in all it was a good week. Today is a GREEN day! Ask me how I'm feeling tomorrow after I go to therapy with my husband. Last time I got beat up :) I'll let you know how it goes this time. Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-05-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

SCHOOLS OUT! Yea for summer! Even better is the color YELLOW! So far so good on the Deplin. My mind feels clearer. I started keeping a thought journal so that I can better track how often the intrusive thoughts are happening, what they are about, and how they make me feel. I've never really tracked them before, and my therapist and the NP always ask how are the thoughts, and I don't think I've ever given them an accurate answer to that question. Hopefully by doing this we will all have a better look at what is really happening in my brain. I thought that the thoughts would increase if I was watching out for them, but so far it has shown me that they aren't as often or severe as they used to be. Out of the last six days I've had two days without any thoughts. The other four days I had 1-2 thoughts a day, and out of all those thoughts only two really bothered me. The two that bothered me were accompanied with mental images while the rest of the thoughts were not. So if I can stop the thought before it gets to the mental image stage then my anxiety doesn't increase and I'm able to not let the thought affect me. All good things to know.

Have a wonderful week! Oh and I found joy in having some alone time while my husband took the kids up north for the weekend. Bless my husband he really knows how to have a good time with the kids. Thanks babe. I love you!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-05-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

5 purple. I've never had a purple Monday before. It's not bad. I just honestly don't know how I'm feeling today. It could go either way, so I picked the middle. I'm coming off a frustrating week for myself. I saw the NP this morning and I told her I'm ready to be done with everything. I want to be well. I want to get past this part of my life. I guess what I'm wondering is if i can move past it, but still be able to help others get through it. Or if doing things like the warmline and going to support groups just keeps me stuck in it. There's no question in my mind that I want to be able to do what I can to raise awareness about this illness. I just want to do what is going to be best for me.

So after I politely told the NP I was tired of coming to see her and all the med changes, we decided to add a new med:) It's called Deplin. It's considered a medical food whatever that means. Look it up if you want. It's kind of interesting. It's basically just folate. I've read some good things about it. Fingers are crossed that this is the extra kick in the butt that I need. I see my therapist tomorrow morning which I'm sure will also involve some butt kicking:)

I'm finding joy in kisses from my six year old. I don't even have to ask for them. First thing in the morning he runs up to me and gives me a hug and kiss, and then I try to eat the freckles right off his face. Warms my heart! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-05-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hello Yellow! I had a pretty good week. My husband and I went to our first therapy appointment together. I was worried that he was going to say some things that would be hard for me to hear, but he didn't have to say very much. He sat back while my therapist really let me have it. I don't mind when she beats me up. It just makes me fight that much harder to get better. It takes me a couple of days to process what happens in therapy, so a couple of days after the session I realized I didn't really like what she had to say to me, so I emailed her and let her know how I was feeling. She replied I could almost see you yelling at me, good job! She likes to tease that it is her goal to get me to yell in a session. I tend to not show emotion of any kind. I think a lot of people misunderstand me because of my lack emotion. My homework assignment is to pay attention to others facial expressions and how it relates to the way they are feeling. I also have to practice making my own faces in the mirror. Happy face :) Sad face :( Angry face :{ Scared face :o. I feel pretty silly, but it's a good thing for me to figure out.

I can't believe school is almost out. I'm very much looking forward to summer vacation. It will be nice to not have to worry about waking up in the morning. I should say nice for my husband. He's the one getting up with the boys and getting them ready for school. In the fall all 3 kids will be in school! Hallelujah the day is almost here. Not that I don't love my kids because I do very much. It will just be good for them to have their time and me to have mine.

Happy Monday!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-05-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

4 Pink Its been a little up and down for the past few days. I've been irritable and tired even though I'm getting enough sleep and I have no reason to be cranky. I put in a call to the NP to see if she wants to adjust anything. I'm only taking two different meds right now and they are both low doses so maybe something just needs to be bumped up a little bit. Enough of that.

I had a wonderful Mothers Day! At church they gave all the mothers a book with questions that they asked all the kids and the answers that they gave. Here are the answers that my kids gave.

If your mom could have one wish, what would she wish for? Mason-1,000,000 purses, Tanner-hugs and kisses from me, Gemma-to love me

How does your mom make you feel special? Mason-she feeds me, Tanner-she takes me to the store, Gemma-she gives me a treat

What is your mom's favorite thing to say? Mason-do your homework, Tanner-what do you want for your birthday, Gemma-don't touch anything

What have you learned from your mom? Mason-to be good, Tanner-how to ride my bike in the street, Gemma-how to read

What is your favorite thing to do for your mom? Mason-do stuff, Tanner-give her a present, Gemma-clean up

What is your favorite thing about your mom? Mason-she's awesome, Tanner-that she is mine, Gemma-I love to hug her

If your mom could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? Mason-Alaska, Tanner-her bathroom, Gemma-to church

What is your mom's favorite thing to do? Mason-shopping, Tanner-making stuff with wood and painting it, Gemma-clean her room

If you could buy something for your mom, what would it be? Mason-the titanic, Tanner-a toy piggy, Gemma-a new tv

Anyways warms my heart to be the mother of these amazing children. Have a fantastic week!

Hope

2011-05-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

I signed up for something called daily hope over at Postpartumprogress.com a month or so ago. I love this website and I love getting a daily email with encouraging supportive words. Today's daily hope really hit home for me.

"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts." ~ Marcus Aurelius

"Only nine words and this quote says so much. The first thing I think of when I read it is my intrusive thoughts and how they were so painful that they really did feel like they were crushing my soul, altering it forever in some way. The second thing I think of, though, is the fact that we have the power to affect the impact our thoughts have on us. We feel them, yes, but we can also learn to manage them. We can learn mindfulness, we can learn cognitive behavioral techniques, and we can do whatever it takes to make sure they don't use permanent dye by understanding that they come from our illness and do not reflect our true nature as human beings."- Katherine Stone

Three weeks ago I learned just how powerful the mind can be. I could not stop the thoughts and I felt like at any moment I was going to slip into a hallucination. It literally felt like I was about to check out of life and it was scary. I also learned that I am stronger than my thoughts. I was able to hang on and be mindful of all the circumstances surrounding the way I was feeling. I have come out of this experience with a sense of strength in myself. My thoughts do not reflect who I am and I am going to beat this stupid illness!!

Have a fantastic weekend!

MOODY MONDAY Wednesday Edition

2011-05-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

I AM YELLOW! Gray to yellow in 2 weeks. Yay me! I had a wonderful time at woman's conference last week. On the flight up I sat next to my therapist from 16 years ago who just happened to be going to woman's conference too. It was nice to visit with her and catch her up on all that has happened in my life since seeing her last. I also had a good time staying with my cousin Robyn. She just had a baby a little over a month ago, and it was nice to get me some baby lovin and to visit with her family. My favorite quote from conference was "keep it small, keep it simple, give it time." It's a good reminder to keep doing the small and simple things, be patient, and great things will come to pass.

If there's one thing I've learned from PPOCD it is patience. I mean really its been almost five years. I've definitely given it some time. I continue to learn and grow through this process. I can see the blessings that have come out of this trial and I know great things will continue to happen for me. Another good quote from conference is " In the end everything will be okay, and if it isn't okay then it isn't the end."

Thanks again to everyone who has reached out to me. I can feel your love and support. I have been able to recover quite well and quickly from where I was at 2 1/2 weeks ago. Happy Wednesday!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-04-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

4 Pink Yay for feeling so much better. It was a long week, but a good one. I've been able to stay busy and not lay around marinating in thoughts all day. I have a busy week planned. Tomorrow I will see the NP again. Hopefully not too many changes will be made. Then I'm going out to lunch with a friend from the support group I attend. Then Wednesday I'm packing my bags and taking off to Utah to attend Woman's Conference at BYU for the third year in a row. I love love love my husband for letting me take this time for myself. Its always been a positive experience for me and I can really use it this time around. I will miss my girlfriends that have come with me in the past. My thoughts and prayers will be back home with my friend whose mother passed away yesterday. I'm going to be staying with one of my fabulous cousins, and I look forward to spending some time with her and her family. Everyone take care and have a wonderful week. Happy Monday!

It's Gonna Be OK

2011-04-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. I saw this on a church sign and it made me smile. I saw my therapist today and we talked about all that has been happening for me over the past few weeks. She said there were just too many stressors that occured all at the same time. She asked if we could just look at this experience as the perfect storm and move past it. We don't need to dwell on all that has happened. I don't want to fall so far back that I lose everything that I have worked towards over the last year. I need to own what is mine and keep moving forward. Things to work on over the next couple of weeks. DO NOT MARINATE IN THE THOUGHTS! Keep track of destructive thoughts and turn them into helpful thoughts. Keep talking to my husband. Get rid of the ADD med. I told her that I really liked the way it made me feel, and she said that's because it's like taking speed. She said when you get home you need to dispose of the med and then call and tell me that you did it. She didn't want me to have that temptation of taking any more of it. Anyways, I'm picking up the pieces and putting me back together. I'm back to heading in the right direction. Happy Wednesday!

MOODY MONDAY part two

2011-04-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to get back on here and let you know that I'm feeling a lot better. I'd like to end my day at a 6 brown. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me today. I have really felt the love. Thank you especially to my mom who showed up this morning with tulips and dark chocolate. She left her job to come spend the day with me. She did my dishes, scrubbed my kitchen floor and who knows what else she did. We ate lunch together. We talked. We played scrabble. I won. It was a good day. I had a lot easier time controlling my thoughts today. I feel myself getting stronger with each day that I'm not taking that medication. I love you all! Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-04-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

9 gray Turns out I'm just not compatible with certain medications. I'm really quite angry that I've had this big setback. I was doing so well, and now I'm fighting like crazy just to keep my head above water. I'm tired. I spoke to my therapist on Tuesday and I will see her in 2 days. I saw the NP on Thursday and we are switching around some meds and she also recommended that I check myself into a behavioral health hospital for 5 days to make sure I'm safe. When she asked me if I would like her to put me in the hospital, inside my head I was screaming yes, but I just shook my head no. What about my family, my husband? Who would watch the kids? What would people think about me? That would be a lot of money! I think that I am strong enough to not do anything stupid. I'm just sooooo tired of fighting. I've come so far. I can't stop fighting now, and I won't! This is just a bump in the road. Things will smoothe out and I will be fine. Until then I'll just keep hanging on. I can do this!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-04-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

6 Brown My anxiety has been through the roof over the past week and it's wearing me down. I've called my therapist. I've emailed my therapist, and I'll probably call her again before the week is over. I can feel myself slipping backwards and I'm just trying to hang on. I've been using my tools. Thought records, deep breathing, trying to stay present, and talking to my husband. That last one is kinda tricky. I know that my husband wants to understand what I'm going through, but at the same time it just stresses him out and makes him feel like a useless husband. Which completely is not the case!!! Are you hearing me babe? I have the greatest husband in the whole wide world. I don't know anyone that could handle our situation with as much patience and love as my husband does. Before my husband left for work today he said I'm sorry that your life stinks. That made me sad, and I tried to explain that my life does not stink. I know that I have a great life! I have 5 incredible kids, and an amazing husband. My life is good, and I'm even happy for the most part. It's just this darn anxiety is killing me. It's probable that my new medication has increased the anxiety. I'll be seeing the NP on Thursday to discuss it and undoubtedly there will be a change made to my meds. For now I'll just keep on breathing and try to stay busy. Have a happy Monday!

Sad day

2011-04-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I went to group and found out that one of the other moms tried to take her own life over the weekend. My heart breaks for my friend. We shared our stories together at the training last week and it was just to much for her to handle. She wasn't ready. I wish there was something that I could say that would make her feel better. Sometimes I feel like I should be able to save the universe and yesterday was one of those days. It caused me a lot of sadness and anxiety knowing that I have no control over the universe and that the only person I can really save is myself. I started to doubt whether or not I should be telling my story. In sharing my story I want to help other women, but I feel like maybe my story is more discouraging than encouraging. Especially for someone who is suffering they probably don't want to hear that I have been struggling for five years. I started to blame myself for my friends actions. I had to call my therapist to process through my thoughts. She was like REALLY you want to take that on yourself it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I could hear her eyes rolling over the phone. I knew that my thoughts were irrational. I think that what was happening for me was that I was having normal sad feelings and I just didn't know what to do with them. Feelings are not my specialty:) Anyways I'm feeling better today although I am a little anxious because my husband is going to be talking to my therapist tonight on the phone. I'm realizing that for the past year it has been all about me, and maybe now it is time to be about us as a couple. I think it would be good for us to have some sessions together. If there is one thing that I learned at the training it is that perinatal mood disorders affect the entire family, not just the mom. I feel lucky that my husband is willing and wants to talk about his experience. I think it will be good for both of us. Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-04-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

2 Green I would just like to start out by saying how much fun I had at the two day training on perinatal mood disorders. It was awesome to be in a room full of people dedicated to the well being of moms in the state of Arizona. Telling my story went well. A year ago I never would have thought that I would be talking to a group of sixty people about my intrusive thoughts and most personal moments of my life. If my story can help others than I'm happy to tell it. I'm going to join the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition where I will be able to help raise awareness in the community about perinatal mood disorders. All good things happening around here. I had therapy today. I'm down to only going once a month now. We talked about how that makes me nervous to go so long, but she says I'm doing well and that I need to believe in myself. I told her that I feel like the PPOCD is never going to be completely gone and she compared it to her daughter that has wavy hair. Her daughter hates her hair and wishes it was strait. She said my daughter has a choice. All she has to do is use a blow dryer and her hair will go straight. Similarly all I need to do is use the tools that I have learned in therapy to fight this. I know that I will have bad days. I need to not marinate in the sadness of a bad day and just keep pushing forward. Deep down I know that PPOCD wont be forever. One things for sure I will never be the same person. I will be better and stronger than I was before this experience. Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-03-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

YELLOW! I had a fantastic weekend with the family! We decided Friday night at 5 o'clock to go to Vegas. Two hours later we were in the car and on our way. We really wanted to show our foreign exchange student a good time. We thought it was a shame for her to come all the way to America and all she gets to see is Arizona. We had a great time!

I saw the NP last week and she prescribed me a new medication. I know that the idea was for me to go down on the number of meds that I'm on, but I feel good about this decision. I was talking to her about how I feel like there is still something wrong with me that hasn't ever been addressed. She asked the right questions and we both feel like I might have ADD. I think it's something I've had my whole life, and I'm thrilled to finally be getting some help for it.

The two day training is this Thursday and Friday. I will be speaking on Thursday. I'm a little bit nervous, but so excited to become more educated on this disorder. It's important to talk about these issues so that other moms don't feel alone like I did. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-03-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

2 Green I went to group last week and they convinced me that I need to be more specific in my story that I share at the training coming up. So I have been working on adding some details that are a little more difficult for me to share. I was pretty vague in my survivor story that I posted a couple weeks ago. I wasn't sure how much information I wanted to share, but I'm going to be speaking to a group of professionals and they need to know what can happen when someone suffers from a perinatal mood disorder and doesn't get the right kind of treatment. Here are the couple of paragraphs that I have decided to add to my story.

The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body and I was terrified. I had two of these episodes. I knew that what I was seeing wasn’t really there. The first one happened a few days after I found out that I was going to miscarry. I was standing in the bathroom crying and I looked in the mirror and saw it shatter. I looked down at my arm and saw that it was covered in cuts. I knew that I had to get out of that bathroom. As I walked out of my bedroom and down the hallway I saw holes punched in the wall. I just kept walking. I knew that I would be ok once I was around someone. My second episode happened a few weeks after I miscarried. I was looking at my daughter and her face started to spin and bruises started to appear on her face. I knew that if I kept looking I was going to see a monster. I wasn’t able to look at my children for days after. This time there was no debate. I knew that I needed to go back on medication.

I had about 4 recurring thoughts that caused me great anxiety. I couldn’t bathe the children without thinking that I would drown them. I didn’t like to be in the kitchen because I was afraid that I would hurt me or my children with a knife. While driving I would have the thought to crash the car. The thought that bothered me the most was every time we would get in the car to go somewhere I would have the thought to start the car and not open the garage. All of my thoughts were accompanied by pictures or videos. I would see everything happening in my mind. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me.

I can't believe all that was happening just a year ago. I feel so disconnected from that person. Thank goodness! Today is actually the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I thought that March was going to be a hard month for me, but instead I've only seen the positive and how far I have come. Yea me!

Today I am finding joy in the rain. Love the rain! Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-03-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

YELLOW! I feel great today! Our foreign exchange student arrived last night. My initial anxiety over a stranger in our home for three weeks has gone away. She is very nice and I think we are going to have a lot of fun.

My mom came over on Saturday and helped us get the house clean and ready for our guest. Thanks mom! My mom let me know that she has read my blog. We had a good conversation. She apologized for being a source of some of my pain. I let her know that I had forgiven her, but that sometimes I have bad days where I'm sad over the situation. So is that forgiveness? I guess that's between me and God. I like what my friend Brooke said about forgiveness. She said forgiveness is love, and I truly love my mom. I can't say the same for my dad, so I have some work to do. If you would like to give me your thoughts on forgiveness just leave me a comment. I'm turning in my paper this Thursday.

Have a great week!

I'm a Survivor

2011-03-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

My name is Julie and I’m a survivor of postpartum ocd. I have three children ages 9, 6, and 5. I have also been raising my brother and sister over the past 6 years. Despite a lot of family drama going on during my first two pregnancies my postpartum experience with my two boys was a great time for me. I think it is important to know that when my second son was just three months old I became pregnant with my daughter. I believe this played a big part in my getting postpartum ocd. My hormones never had a chance to settle down and when they finally did it was devastating. About eight months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I had horrible thoughts involving myself and my children. I would see pictures and video clips of these thoughts in my mind. I completely shut down inside. I felt so much shame. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.

Then just a couple of months later I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just come from.

I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through it alone this time. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I had kept this secret from him for almost two years. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better. I ended up calling the first therapist that I could think of. I was with this therapist for a year and a half knowing that I probably wasn’t getting the right kind of care. We never discussed perinatal mood disorders. The term postpartum ocd was never mentioned. I still felt very much alone. I didn’t understand why the horrible thoughts and images wouldn’t go away.

Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling well I decided that it was time to have a baby. Probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and so just over a year ago I got pregnant. I was excited this time around. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. When I was seven weeks along I found out that the pregnancy was not viable and that I would be losing the baby. My life came crashing down around me. This was a very scary time for me. The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body. I knew that what I was seeing was not really there, but I was still terrified. I immediately got back on medication. I also knew that I needed to find a new therapist who specialized in women’s issues.

A friend told me about the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and I contacted Dr. Hibbert through email to see if there was someone that she would recommend for me. Exactly one year ago today I found myself in the office of my new therapist starting at square one. It was a relief to finally talk to someone who knew about what I was going through. It was nice to have a diagnosis. I was able to research postpartum ocd and read about other women’s experiences, and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

It has been helpful for me to understand that I’m not the only one who has had intrusive thoughts. You know they talk about the baby blues when you leave the hospital and the Dr. asks how you are feeling at the 6 week checkup but no one ever explained intrusive thoughts to me. I literally thought that I was going insane. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me. It’s important that we raise awareness about these issues so that women can better understand the postpartum period and not be afraid to get help when they need it.

I’ve come a long way in the last year. Before there was such a disconnect between me and my children. Because of the thoughts and images I was afraid to be their mother, and a lot of the responsibility fell on my husband and my sister. I don’t live in fear anymore. I’m learning to feel connected to my children. I’m learning to find joy in motherhood. I’m learning to be at peace with who I am.

A great opportunity that I have had is to be a warmline volunteer. Every Tuesday I get to respond to calls from other women who are concerned that they are experiencing a perinatal mood disorder. It has been healing for me to be able to talk to others, and to give them the resources that they need so that they can get the right kind of care. I’m glad that I get to share my story. I want other women to know that they are not alone, and that they don’t need to suffer in silence like I did. I feel that if I’m able to help just one person than my suffering will have had a purpose.

Help Please

2011-03-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

I had therapy today and we talked about forgiveness, and now my homework assignment is to write a paper about forgiveness. I'm supposed to get other peoples opinions on the topic. So if you are reading this would you pretty please leave a comment for me. What is your definition of forgiveness? What does it look like to you? How does it feel? Thank you!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-02-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

2 Green I'm having a good day. I would probably be yellow if I wasn't feeling guilty about sleeping in again. I don't know what my deal is but ever since my Zoloft was increased it has been hard for me to wake up. I know that it just sounds like an excuse to be lazy, but it's not. I haven't had any problems going down on the Abilify. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I don't want to create something that isn't really there by analyzing every thought or feeling that I have.

It's going to be a busy week. We have a foreign exchange student from Germany coming to live with us for most of March. I feel a lot of anxiety over the fact that we are going to be her American experience. Hopefully we will all have a good time. I'm most worried about how dinner time will go. I already know she won't like my cooking because she is vegetarian. I guess we'll take her to the grocery store and let her get what she wants. She will go to school with Emily during the day, and after Emily graduates Emily will go to Germany for a month and live with her family. I don't think I could be so adventurous. I get nervous driving from Mesa to Phoenix:)

Anyways, have a good week. I'll be busy getting my spring cleaning done early in anticipation of our guest arriving.

Good Visit

2011-02-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

So I talked to the NP today and she was perfectly fine letting me come down on my medication. I had to promise to go back up though if the thoughts start coming back. Hopefully I don't have any problems, but if I do I wont let myself get discouraged. Like I said I want to do this the right way so that I can have the best possible chance of a full recovery. Pray for me. Thanks! Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-02-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

4Pink I'm feeling slightly discouraged. I had therapy on Friday and I told my therapist that I want to start coming down on some of my meds and she kinda flipped out on me. She doesn't think that it would be a very good idea at this point. She said a lot of people go off there meds the second they are feeling better and then they slip back. My response to this is been there done that. I'm glad that I can look back on my blog to see where I have been and learn from past mistakes. The last time I was on medication I came off too soon and wound up with more problems than when I started. My heart is telling me that she is right and that I need to listen to the professionals. My mind is telling me that it has been a year and that I should be able to handle it without the meds now. I want to do it right this time. I see the NP tomorrow and we will be having this discussion. I guess I just want to know that there is a plan and that I have some reasonable goals set for myself.

I also told my therapist how I got sad and was crying over my issues with my mom. I asked if it was okay to still have these sad angry feelings over the situation and her answer was absolutely. She said it's called having feelings. It was kind of a light bulb moment for me. It brought a smile to my face to realize that I had felt something and that I didn't let it get out of control. My therapist thought that it was fantastic!

My homework is to type up my story that I want to share for the survivors panel that I will be on coming up at the end of March. I'll make sure to post it when I'm done. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-02-14T09:05:00.000-08:00

HApPy VaLEntiNeS DaY! I feel Yellow today! I don't really have a reason for it. I just feel really happy today despite the fact that half of the family has been sick. I ended up not going to therapy last week. My therapist was sick and had to cancel. By the time I see her this Friday it will have been 24 days since my last appointment. That's the longest I have gone without counseling since I started this journey, and for me to be yellow today is huge I think! I worked on my collage all week and got it done.

I'm happy with how it turned out. It has all the good and the bad that came with PPOCD. I know I will never be the same person, but change is good and I'm a stronger person because of it.

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-02-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

3 aqua I'm not sure what to talk about today. I'm having a hard time feeling any emotion, good or bad. While the medication I take is doing a good job at keeping away the intrusive thoughts it's also making me numb to feelings. I shouldn't be complaining since I don't like feelings anyways, and I'll take the numbness over the intrusive thoughts any day, but I think that is part of my problem. I need to allow myself to feel. Anytime something crappy has happened in my life I add it to my list of crappy things that have happened to me in my life and I push the feelings that go along with it aside. It's like I'm carrying around this backpack full of bricks and it's keeping me stuck in this cycle of depression. I'm feeling something because now I'm crying. I'm thinking about my mom. How I wish for my mom to hold me and love me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm going to try to be sensitive here because there is a chance that my mom will read this. I know that my mom wished that her mother loved her more. I know that my mom did the best that she could while I was growing up. I know that if my mom reads this she would say the same thing back to me. That she wishes I would love her for who she is and tell her everything is okay, but everything is not okay. Ultimately in the end my mom gave up on her family. She went against everything she raised me to believe in, and it has just made everything so complicated. I'm sad and angry about the whole situation. There I said what I was feeling. I love my mom and appreciate her efforts and all that she does for my family. I just wish things were different. All righty then. I didn't know that was in me today. I usually only think about that stuff around mothers day.

Everything else seems to be fine. My moods are stable. Anything under 5 is great. I'm slowly weaning myself off my nighttime meds. I don't think I need it anymore, and besides I don't like not remembering anything from the night. Like the other night I got a text at 11:30. I woke up and read the text. I talked to my husband about it, and the next morning I didn't remember a thing about it. Kinda freaked me out. Anyways have a great week. I see my therapist in the morning. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh and I find joy in going back to sleep with my husband after he takes the kids to school;)

CUTE SQUISHY BABY

2011-02-01T18:54:00.000-08:00

I took the advice of my SIL and stole this pic off her blog to put on mine. Here I am getting some
baby love from my sweet niece Reese. She is only 5 weeks old and she is already smiling up a storm. Like I said I'm happy where I'm at. It's nice to hold these sweet babies and then give them back to their parents. Three more babies on the way. A nephew, and 2 unknown. I can't wait!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-01-31T11:52:00.000-08:00

2 green I'm a survivor! There is a 2 day training on perinatal mood disorders coming up at the end of March, and I am going to be on the survivors panel. I get to tell my story! I also get to attend the training as a student because I am a warmline volunteer. I'm excited for the things that I will learn that will help me to better help the moms that are calling in to the warmline.

Everything seems to be going well. I forgot to take my meds twice last week. My theory is I have been feeling so much better that taking medication just doesn't even cross my mind some days. Either way I know that messing with my brain chemistry isn't the brightest thing to be doing right now, so I am trying to remember to take my pills first thing in the morning after breakfast. You'd think it would be habit by now:)

This last week I found joy in holding cute little squishy babies. I really do feel at peace with where I am at. My time will come. For now I need to just enjoy the peace, and work on being the best possible mom I can be to my 3 children who I love so much! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY-Wednesday Edition

2011-01-26T12:32:00.000-08:00

Sheesh! I've been slacking on Mondays. I got home from my trip to Idaho Monday afternoon and Moody Monday never even crossed my mind. I'm at a 4 pink today. I'm feeling some guilt over all the time off that I've had from my family, and just trying to get back into being the mom. I had a great time in Idaho with Emily! I definitely didn't need to get all worked up about the weather and driving in the snow. Eleven degree weather wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Emily did great on her audition, and now we are just waiting to see what kind of scholarships she can get. Thank you babe for taking care of the kids so we could go on this trip.

I went to the PPD support group yesterday, and we did art therapy. We were asked to bring pictures of us before our postpartum struggles and after postpartum set in. We used our pictures to make a collage. Through drawing we were to try and express how we were feeling during these different times in our lives. This was the picture that I used when I drew how I was feeling after the PPOCD set in.

This picture was taken about 3 months after it all started.I felt a lot of anxiety as I worked around this picture. I drew a black jagged edge filled in with the color red around the picture. I felt like I was turning into a monster back then. Every image that played in my mind was black and red. Almost demon like. I can't begin to describe the terror that I felt. When I look into my eyes in this picture I see a lot of pain and fear. I have come so far and am feeling so much better, but when I think about this time in my life I get extremely anxious. I'm hoping that through doing the EMDR we will be able to make this time seem not quite so bad.

This is another picture that I used to show a time when I felt like I was really happy. I was pregnant with my daughter in this picture. There is a year and four month difference between this picture and the other one. I can see the difference in my eyes. I was loving my baby boy while cooking my baby girl and I couldn't have been happier. I drew yellow squiggly lines around this picture. Yellow because you know why, and squiggly lines because it was a little crazy taking care of a baby while trying to take care of my pregnant needs.

This last picture is just of the collage itself. It's not done. We are going to continue to add to it. The first picture on there is of me and my husband. I was 3 months pregnant with our first son. While this was a happy time too I was puking my brains out 5 times a day and didn't feel the need to show you a close up of it :)

Anyways I need to go pick up my boys from school. I hope you are having a great week. See ya on Monday or whatever day it is ;)

MOODY MONDAY-WEDNESDAY EDITION

2011-01-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm at a 2 GREEN today. I've been feeling pretty good. The intrusive thoughts are still decreasing. I've gone entire days without having one, and it feels awesome! Yay for Zoloft! I had therapy yesterday and we started a process called EMDR. You can read more about it at http://www.emdr.com/.

I had a great weekend! I went to LA with 22 other women from my husbands side of the family. We had so much fun! We went to a taping of Minute to Win It and we got to take a picture with the host of the show. The rest of the time I spent relaxing in the hotel and shopping the LA Fashion District. I found 4 purses that I just had to have:)

Anyways, now it's time for me to pack my bags for Idaho. I'm still a little nervous about this trip, but it should be fun. I'm excited to spend some time with just me and my little sister. I'm gonna miss her when she is gone:( I don't know if I have talked about this before, but I believe my sister was given to me for a reason. When I was in the depths of PPOCD she was there to pick up the pieces. When I felt like I couldn't do the mom thing anymore she was there to play with the kids and keep them happy. It was always such a relief when Emily would come home from school. It meant that I had made it through another day without doing something stupid. And by stupid I mean hurting my children. It was always my greatest fear that I was going to harm my own children. Now I know that I never was going to, but when I was having the thoughts, pictures, and video clips playing over and over in my head I wasn't so sure. I didn't know what was happening to me and I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I'm so thankful for how far I have come and for the support of my family. I couldn't be doing it without them. Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2011-01-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

3 aqua I don't have much on my mind today. I've been really tired, which leads to feeling lazy, which turns into thinking that I am a bad wife/mother. So I am fighting the negative thoughts today.

My 9 year old had some interesting thoughts yesterday. He is wondering if I am past the point of being able to have a baby, but he is hopeful that I will have another baby. He says we need a girl to balance things out. He also said that after the baby comes I will need to take medicine to make sure I don't have any more babies because 4 is enough! I'm glad that my children like to be involved in our family planning.

I have some anniversaries coming up. I can't believe that it has been a year since I became pregnant! Time is going by so fast. March will probably be a hard month for me, but I'll deal with it when it gets here. For now I am trying to stay positive and focus on just how far I have come in the last year. Yay me!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Moody Monday-Wednesday Edition

2011-01-05T09:29:00.000-08:00

YELLOW I feel so much better since I quit the anti-anxiety med. The NP increased my Zoloft and the intrusive thoughts have decreased a lot! YAY! I had therapy on Monday and we talked about babies, speaking my mind, and anxious thoughts. I let her know that my goal is to have another baby. I know my family is not complete. I also know that I have time. I need to get some stability under my belt and just enjoy being well. With all my support systems in place I can have a baby and a healthy postpartum experience when the time is right.

My homework assignment is to let people know when they have done something that bothers me. I'm not very good at speaking my mind, and I am super passive aggressive. My dad showed up a hour and a half late to my house on Christmas day and instead of telling him that I wished he would have come when he was supposed to I ignored him the whole time which I'm pretty sure just makes me look like a jerk. This assignment will be hard and I think my husband is worried I'm going to do all my practicing on him:)

As for the anxious thoughts my therapist said we will have this conversation a hundred more times before I am able to train my brain to not automatically go to the anxious thoughts. For instance I am taking my sister to Idaho in a couple of weeks for a college scholarship audition. My first thought is that the plane is going to crash in the snow. Second thought is if the plane doesn't crash then I will crash driving in the snow. Third thought is I don't have any warm clothes because I live in Arizona and it's going to be something like 16 degrees for the high and I am going to freeze my butt off. Instead I should be thinking about what a great experience this will be for both of us and how much fun we are going to have.

Anyways I'm feeling really grateful for my trials and for the lessons I continue to learn from them. I'm a stronger better person because of my experiences, and I'm excited for a new year!
Have a great rest of the week!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-12-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

2 green Everyone seems to have recovered from the flu in our house, and we were able to have a wonderful Christmas weekend. I see the NP tomorrow for some medication tweeking. She put me on a new anti-anxiety med the last time I saw her, and I didn't handle it very well. I had an increase in violent pictures playing in my mind, and a strong desire to feel physical pain. People around me could tell that something wasn't right, and I didn't feel like me, so I quit taking it. I'm feeling much better. End of story.

I'm a new aunt again. I just got a new nephew and a niece, with two more on the way. I'm excited for all these new babies, but I'm sad at the same time that it's not me having the baby. I know I'm not ready, but I wonder if I will ever be ready. I wish I could tell the future. What would having a baby do to me? Would the PPOCD come back? The NP talks real positively about me having another baby, but when I bring it up with my therapist she asks me if I would consider adoption. I'm just confused and I shouldn't even be thinking about all this right now, but it's hard when I'm surrounded by it. Anyways enough of that.

I'm looking forward to this week. My husband has the whole week off from work, so I'm excited for some alone time with him. Have a great week and a Happy New Year!

2010-12-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

5 purple I still feel blah. Some of my kids now feel blah. Hoping it moves through fast and we are all feeling well for the holidays. Merry Christmas! HO HO HO!

FEELINGS

2010-12-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

So I need to get in touch with my feelings. I'm really good at not feeling anything. It's just easier to stay numb than to experience the highs and lows. I associate having feelings with not being in control, and my therapist says that is completely not true. She also said that we are going to have a problem if I can't change the way I think about feelings. It's a personal choice I am going to have to make. Am I going to trust my therapist to guide me out of this hole, or am I going to stay stuck because I am afraid of getting hurt again. My assignment is to stay present and be mindful of what is happening inside and outside of me. I also need to keep a journal where I keep track of my feelings by answering the following questions.

What am I feeling?
What are the contributing factors to the feeling?
On a scale of 1-10 how intense is the feeling?
Where in my body is the feeling?
What color is the feeling?

For example right now I feel miserable. I haven't felt good for a couple of days. There are a lot of things that I should be doing, but instead I have been laying in bed all day. I give it a 7 on intensity. I feel it in my back and the color is brown.

Well that one was easy. It's not hard to know how you feel when you are sick. I have a feeling this will be one of my harder assignments. Especially since most of the time I don't know what I'm feeling. Wish me luck.

MOODY MONDAY

2010-12-13T16:41:00.000-08:00

3 Aqua A few things are on my mind. I want to be well. I don't want to be on meds. I want to have a baby. I've been on this ride before and it ended in a train wreck. I know I need more time. I love this talk given by one of my church leaders. It has taught me to slow down and focus on what matters most. I love what he says about tree rings and turbulence. I know that right now what matters most is that I allow myself the time I need to get well. Last year I didn't give myself enough time to completely get better. I'm looking forward to the new year and what it will bring as I continue to learn, grow, and heal. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-12-06T11:56:00.000-08:00

2 GREEN This wont be long. It's my daughters birthday today and I'm busy getting ready for the party tonight. I can't believe she is 5 years old already. I feel like I missed out on a lot over the past 5 years. I was here physically, but mentally I was somewhere else. I'm still trying to get over the guilt of feeling like a bad mom. I know that I'm being too hard on myself given what was happening to me at the time. I'm happy to say that I am in a better place now. I'm more present with my children. I enjoy doing things with them. Sometimes my kids talk too much and it's real easy for me to checkout and not really pay attention to what they're saying, so I'm working on focusing on what is being said and validating their thoughts and feelings, and I can tell that they notice a difference in me when I do that. It feels good to be a mom:) Gotta go. Have a great day!

I SURVIVED

2010-12-01T08:04:00.000-08:00

So last night I ended up at the Target pharmacy with 5 prescriptions in hand. One for me, 2 for my daughter, and 2 for my son. My daughter had a dr. app. yesterday because for the past 3 weeks she has had some nasty stuff growing in 2 of her fingernails. Turns out it is a staph infection. Fabulous! :( I decided that I was gonna be supermom and take all 3 kids to the app. While we are there my son's asthma decides to flare up. While the dr. is looking at my daughter's fingernails he is asking if I would like him to look at my son. He said you would have to wait for me to finish up with the rest of my patients. I decided that it would probably be best for my son to get checked out even though I dreaded the wait. I am proud to say that I survived being with all 3 of my children in an 8x8 room for 3 hours. We read stories, played I-spy, and got lots of drinks. My favorite part was when my 5 year old ran out into the hall and yelled what is taking you people so long! I scolded him for being so rude, but inside I was wondering the same thing! Anyways I think yesterday was a big step for me. I didn't let anxiety take over. I interacted with my children. We did things to stay busy, and the whole experience ended up not being too bad. Have a great day!

Terrific Tuesday

2010-11-30T12:22:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better today. I'm gonna go with YELLOW! So I've been keeping a little secret. Remember how I was wanting to have a photo shoot with my kids. Well back in October we got our pics taken. I sat down with the photographer before hand and shared with her what my experience has been like with PPOCD. I told her how I feel disconnected from my kids a lot of times, and that I wanted her to show me in a picture that I do have a connection with my children. The results are amazing and brought tears to my eyes. Now on days when things just don't seem to be going right I can look at these and remind myself just how good I have it. http://www.atjphoto.com/brinton Go ahead. Click on the link. You know you want to.

MOODY MONDAY

2010-11-29T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm somewhere between yellow and brown. I'm not sure, but I don't have any time to explain right now. I'm going to a football game with the hubby. It should be a lot of fun. If I have time later tonight I'll get back on and try to figure me out. If not, I'll see you tomorrow.

MOODY MONDAY

2010-11-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm having a YELLOW day! I love this time of year! Tomorrow is my husbands B-day. Then in a couple of weeks it will be my Irish twins B-days. My daughter will be turning 5, and then 5 days later my son will turn 6. So they will be the same age for 5 days. I don't recommend having babies back to back. It kinda messed me up, but I'm so thankful that I have these two kids in my life. They make my life fun and interesting, and I love them so much! Today I found joy in playing Dora Candy Land with my daughter. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving week!

THE BOX

2010-11-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

I went to therapy today. My next assignment is to come up with ways to get out of my box. Didn't I just do this a few weeks ago? My therapist said yes you did, and you get to keep doing it until you put it into action. You mean I actually have to do the things I come up with? :) I guess just coming up with an idea isn't going to help me much. I need a plan. I've been making this too hard trying to come up with activities and hobbies for me to do when really there are some simple things that I can do to get out of the box. The first thing I would like to work on is smiling. Looking people in the eyes and smiling. I'm usually not aware of my facial expressions and sometimes people read me the wrong way, so this is going to take some real effort on my part. I can do this :):):):):):) Have a great weekend!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-11-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

2 GREEN I don't have much else to say. I'm kind of tired today. I stayed up late making sure my son could breathe. The one with the freckles:) He is so sweet even when he can't breathe and he is coughing so hard that he throws up. After throwing up for the 3rd time last night he brought his bowl to my husband and said "will you empty out my tank?" Then he did his funny little giggle that makes me smile every time. I find joy in taking care of my children. Have a great day!

Who am I?

2010-11-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

In therapy this week my therapist drew a diagram that looked kinda like this. She was showing me how I have surrounded myself with all these things related to my mental health and how it kinda keeps me stuck in it. It makes it hard for me to reach out of that inner circle and be who I really am. This leads into my homework assignment which is to write a paper on who I am without my mental health struggles. Honestly when I think about who I am I think PPOCD. It is all I have known for the last 4+ years and it has controlled me. It's time to take back my life. I am NOT PPOCD! Sadly I have neglected who I really am and that makes this assignment hard for me. I did what I needed to do in order to feel safe, and that has meant neglecting my relationships with family, friends, and with God. I think for me to know who I am I need to start being what I am. I don't know if that makes sense. Like I know that I am a mom. I have 3 kids that remind me of that everyday. It's a succesful day in our house if the kids eat 3 meals and are still wearing their clothes at the end of the day. But there is so much more to being a mom than just feeding and dressing the children. I have friends, but there is more that I could be doing to be a friend. I am a Daughter of God, but at the end of most days I'm too stubborn and tired to pray. I don't know. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I know that I have focused most of my attention on my mental health, but that is because I was in such a scary place and I'm afraid that if I'm not constantly thinking about or doing something that has to do with mental health I will find myself back in that place. It has been almost 9 months now since the scary episodes. I am more stable now. It is time for me to start making some changes. The inner and outer circles need to switch places. I need to look at all this mental health stuff differently. Here is my new diagram.
I like that one a lot better! I am not my mental health struggles, but through these life experiences I can be made a stronger daughter, sister, friend, mother, and daughter of God. I will finish this post with some words from a church primary song that just popped into my head. I know who I am. I know God's plan. I'll follow him in faith. Oh and today I found joy in listening to my 5 year old son giggle all day. He really is the cutest boy ever!

Meet my Therapist

2010-11-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

This is the lady that has been helping me (kicking my butt) for the last 7 months. I love her! She also suffered with PPOCD. I realize that there are a lot of women with perinatal mood disorders that don't have access to the professional kind of help they need and deserve, and I feel very fortunate to have found Michelle. It has been helpful for me to know that she knows exactly where I have been, and more importantly where I can be, and how to get me there.

MOODY MONDAY

2010-11-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

They call me mellow yellow. I'm going to be kind to myself and start the week out yellow. It's not a jump up and down so excited to be alive yellow. It's just like I said.... mellow yellow. I don't have anything to complain about. I don't feel stressed or anxious. I feel content. All good things. I saw the psychiatric np again last week. We decided to raise my medication. She is hoping to zap the intrusive thoughts, and I'm just hoping the rest of my brain doesn't get zapped:) No but really it would be nice if the thoughts and images would completely go away. It's like being the main character in a horror movie and not being able to stop it. It's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. Thankgoodness! I so badly want to put this all behind me and move on with my life. I wish that I would have talked to someone 4 years ago when this all started. Life would probably be a lot easier. Oh well. It is what it is. I am moving on and I am getting better. Even if it is 2 steps forward 1 step back. Oh and I find immense joy in the freckles on the cheeks of my 5 year old. I love that boy so much! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-11-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

1 1/2 Yellowish Green I don't know. Am I allowed to do that? I guess so. It is my blog! I'm just enjoying some quiet time at home getting the laundry done. I throw the green in there because I'm feeling a little anxious today. Not sure what it's about, but I'm glad that I can recognize it, and deal with it appropriately. Maybe a thought record would be helpful. Anyways I'll let you know what I come up with. Have a great day!

P.S. I find joy in listening to my children have conversations with each other. Like last night when my daughter told her brother that when he gets married he will have to kiss a girl. His response was "Hello! I'm gonna get a lot of wedding presents!" I need to keep an eye on that boy. I have a funny feeling he is already getting kisses from some girls in his kindergarten class. Heaven help us!

Fear

2010-10-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

In therapy this week we talked a little bit about fear, and how I have let fear control my life. I can see that my fears keep me stuck in this cycle of depression. For me to do anything beyond what I have already done in order to be stable would be really hard. I'm quite comfortable in my box, and for me to get out of the box will be painful. It will require me to make some real changes. Something I haven't done with my last 3 therapists. This time has to be different. I want to be well for myself, husband, and children. My family is worth fighting for and so am I.

My homework assignment is to identify 3 things that I would like to try just for fun. It can't involve mental health. I'm already good at that. I attend the PPD support group, and I volunteer for the warmline. Both are great ways for me to get out of the box, but what can I do for fun. So far I have come up with taking a sewing class. What's something you have always wanted to try? If you have any great ideas please share them with me.

I hope you're having a great Halloween weekend! I'll see you tomorrow for Moody Monday.

MOODY MONDAY

2010-10-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

Still Pink. Today I'm thinking about changes. I wish I lived in a place where the leaves did this! I wish I could change the way I think, act, and feel just as easily as the leaves change colors in the Fall. Who knows. Maybe its hard work for a leaf to change colors. They certainly don't do it here where I live. All I know is that I'm stuck. I can tell that I'm resisting change. I want to get better. I really do! I'm more stable now which is great considering where I started from 8 months ago, but I know I haven't changed. I'm gonna have to decide for myself if I'm really worth fighting for. Am I willing to do the hard work? In the past I've always settled for stable, and that just gets me a new therapist every 2-3 years. This time around it has to be different. Anyways enough of that. Just something for me to think about. Have a great day!

Super Saturday

2010-10-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

So Moody Monday was a wash. It's a good thing I didn't have access to a computer on Monday because I was at a 10 BLACK. Luckily I had a good friend bring me yellow tulips and dark chocolate :) My trip to visit my grandparents went well. The weather was beautiful. It was nice to be in a place where fall happens! My due date came and went without much thought. Yes I still want to have a baby, but I'm glad that it isn't right now. I need to focus on getting better and having a baby would have only complicated things more than they already are.

So you are probably wondering why my mood was black. On the last night of our trip we got a call from our family letting us know that our home had been burglarized and our car was stolen. It was so hard to be so far away while all this was happening. A big thank you to our families for taking care of our children and making sure they were safe. It's a horrible feeling to not feel safe in your own home. We are getting everything put back together again. Stuff can be replaced. I'm just thankful to have my family!

My mood has slowly been coming back down. I'm somewhere around a 4 PINK now. I went to a support group for postpartum depression last week. I think it will be helpful to keep going. It was nice to be able to talk openly about my experiences and not feel judged by anybody. I think it will also help me to better handle calls that I might get on the warmline. I've taken several shifts now and I really enjoy doing it.

Anyways it's getting late and I feel like I'm blabbing. I'm going to bed. See you on Monday.

HAPPY MOODY MONDAY

2010-10-11T14:55:00.001-07:00

My shirt is yellow. My shoes are yellow, and my mood is yellow. I'm having a great day! The kids will be home all week and I'm looking forward to it. Therapy went well on Friday. My therapist is noticing a cycle to my anxiety and intrusive thoughts so we are working on decreasing my anxiety. My homework for the week is to take care of myself, breathing exercises, and do some fun things with the kids. I think I can do that! I'm flying to Oregon this weekend with my husband to visit my grandparents. It should be a lot of fun. I'm a little anxious about the flight. Okay a lot anxious. I see my psychiatric NP tomorrow and I will get some anti-anxiety meds for the flight. I've never taken something for a flight before, but I figure there is no reason to put myself through all that anxiety, so we'll see how it goes. Staci Allen you get my kids if something happens to us :) I'd love to keep chatting but I have a pot of soup to make for the family Halloween party tonight. Chicken tortilla. YUM! Hope the weather cools off enough to enjoy the soup! Have a great rest of the day!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-10-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I had a lot of anxiety while I typed up my last post. My therapist thought it would be fun to see if I could go 3 weeks without seeing her. I panicked inside when she told me this, but made the appointment for 3 weeks out anyways. She told me I could call her if something came up. I was also thinking about my next homework assignment which is to identify my old behaviors when they come up. Then I need to list what I am trying to avoid or what I am scared of, and then list what I can do differently. One of my old behaviors is hiding in my room when my kids are being naughty. You know, not listening, fighting, being too loud, making messes, that sort of thing. If it's really bad then I hide in my closet. The furthest point I can get away from it all without leaving the house. My therapist gets after me if I go to the closet so I've been pretty good about not going in there. Tell me I'm not the only mom that hides from her kids:) I wondered why I have avoided being a mom when it comes to discipline and what it is I am scared of, and all of a sudden all the intrusive thoughts, images, and video clips that have played in my mind over the past 4 years came into my head. Stupid intrusive thoughts. I cried. It was very quick lasting about 15-20 seconds. I quickly finished up the post. Then I took my sleeping pills to numb my mind and was out in 30 minutes.

The next morning I called my therapist to let her know that 3 weeks was not going to work. I will be seeing her this Friday. We will be talking about intrusive thoughts. Why do I have them? What do they mean? How do they relate to my relationship with my children? And how the heck do I get rid of them!!? It has been long enough! Seriously!!!

Now that that's out of the way lets get to the good news for today. Like the fact that I'm YELLOW! I think that it is great that even though I have these negative experiences I'm not letting them affect my mood. I'm learning to deal with the good and the bad, and to that I say welcome to life!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-09-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

2 GREEN. Therapy was great today! I think my therapist is the best. She shared this poem with me.

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. . . I am helpless.
It isn't my fault. . .
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall. . . it's a habit. . . but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"

Love it!!!! Hope you had a great day and if not there is always tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. You get what I mean. It will get better.

BAD DAY

2010-09-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

So I didn't stay YELLOW, but that's okay. I'm learning to be okay when a bad day comes along. I know we all have bad days. It doesn't mean that I have to feel sorry for myself or get depressed. It doesn't mean that I'm slipping back into the black hole that I was in. It is what it is. Like a bad hair day I suppose.

I had to go to the pharmacy this week to get my meds. I hate going there. No matter how hard I try I can't stop the negative thoughts and emotions that rush through me as I pick up my medications. Three different ones to be exact. While I know these drugs are saving my life right now, I sure wish I didn't need them. I can tell that I need to do a thought record on this. I'm gonna have to go to the pharmacy at least once a month for the next little while and it shouldn't have to ruin my day everytime I go.

Anyways I'm gonna go do a thought record on taking medication, and hopefully I can look at this in a different way. I have therapy tomorrow afternoon. I'll do Moody Monday after my session. I never know how I'm gonna feel when I walk out of there :)

MOODY MONDAY

2010-09-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Still YELLOW! Have a fabulous day!

Just so you know . . . .

2010-09-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

I'm having a YELLOW Day!

Tuesday Edition of Moody Monday (aka Monday was crazy)

2010-09-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

I had a busy day yesterday and Moody Monday never even crossed my mind. Last week was kind of hard. I got up to a 7 ORANGE which is never any good when it comes to my mood. There was just a lot of stressful situations last week which led to intrusive thoughts and negative feelings. I think I handled it well though and today I'm at a 2 GREEN.

Yesterday I had therapy, and she always asks me what my greatest need is, and yesterday I said to be able to feel love. Both on the receiving and giving end. We talked about how love is an action not a feeling. I can't just wait for warm fuzzy feelings of love to come over me. I need to put love into action. On the flip side I need to accept love from others. I almost always have negative feelings associated with people showing me love. For example. My sweet husband swept and mopped the kitchen floor this morning. (love you babe!) Normally I would have told myself that I am lazy, and I should have mopped the floors yesterday, and my poor husband works all day long and comes home to a messy house, and blah blah blah blah blah. Today I said to myself my husband is great! He must really appreciate the things that I do everyday. He must really love me to be mopping the floors because he hates mopping just as much as I do. Then I gave him a big kiss to show him that I love and appreciate him for all that he does. See how that works? So much better than beating myself up all day, and I can enjoy my clean kitchen floor for at least a few more hours ;) I hope you have a LOVELY day!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-09-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

4 PINK I had some bad days last week. Nothing too terrible. Just some sadness and anger. I had an assignment for therapy to write a goodbye letter to the miscarriage and baby. I wrote this nice 2 page letter about how I was thankful for the experience because I have learned so much from it. I said goodbye to the pain of the miscarriage. I said goodbye to the baby. I wrote about how I no longer feel like I am in hell, and how amazing and wonderful that feels. I wrote down the words to the hymn How Firm a Foundation because that song has given me strength over the past 8 months. I was definitely using my logical side when I wrote this letter. I knew that this happened for a reason. It led me to find the right kind of help for me so I can end this horrible thing called PPOCD.

After writing the letter I didn't feel right. This went on for several days, and I was getting really frustrated because of it. I sat down at my desk. I got out my pen and paper and started writing again, and this is what came out. This whole miscarriage thing was stupid and crappy. I'm sad and angry because I should be having a baby next month and I'm not. My due date was October 16th. I also wrote that this sickness is all that I have known for the past 4 years, and that it has been scary for me to have so many good days. These are the last 3 sentences that I wrote down. I am afraid of who I can be. I am afraid of the responsibility. I am afraid to fail.

The next day I had therapy and I was afraid that my therapist was going to get after me for feeling this way. Instead she was jumping out of her seat, throwing her hands up in the air, and screaming YEA! She was excited that I had this insight. I was allowing myself to have feelings and that's a good thing. We talked about how it's okay to have these bad days, but that it doesn't mean that we have to stay stuck in them. So I am climbing out of those bad days last week, and this week will be better. I'll let you know when I see YELLOW!

Oh and I found joy in spending the last couple of days with my husband and children up in the mountains, and today I find joy in being home alone while my husband and children are still up in the mountains :) I love them so much, but it's nice to have some alone time. Have a great Labor Day!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-08-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

I would just like to say that on Saturday I was YELLOW. I am working on becoming a warmline volunteer. I copied the following information about the warmline from the website www.postpartumcouples.com.

Arizona Warmline:
(888) 434-MOMS

When you call the warmline you will leave a message and a trained parent volunteer who has "been there" will return your call as soon as possible. The warmline volunteers offer support, encouragement, resources, and referrals within your community in the state of Arizona.
We are here to help. You are not alone.

I spoke with the coordinator for the warmline on Saturday and we are going to meet this weekend so I can get the materials that I need to do this. I am super excited! I want to feel like my suffering had a purpose, and this is just a small way that I can help. I was also seeing yellow because of this.

I have been having a lot of fun fixing up some old furniture pieces for my bedroom. I like to think about how far I have come and the changes that I have been making to myself while I do this. It has been very therapeutic.

Anyways on to my mood today. I'm at a 2 GREEN. If I can get all my chores done for the day then I'll bet I'm seeing YELLOW by the end of the day. If not GREEN will do :) Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-08-23T15:29:00.000-07:00

3 AQUA. So I've had a little more anxiety this past week. It lasts for about 10 seconds. I feel like I can't breathe and my head starts to spin, but I pull out of it quickly. I think it is triggered by the fact that things are going well. I usually start to worry that something bad is going to happen when I'm doing good. That's just what I have learned from my life experiences. So I'm trying to find the middle. I know we all have good and bad days. My mood doesn't always have to be super happy nor does it need to be down in the dumps depressed. Which makes me wonder.......I really want to have this photo shoot with my kids, but what are the chances that I will be seeing YELLOW on Monday 4 weeks in a row. Not very good I think, so I'm changing my goal. I need to see YELLOW at least once a week for 4 weeks in a row. That seems more realistic to me. Because really there is nothing wrong with GREEN, PINK, OR AQUA. I'm happy seeing all of these colors, and that is my real goal. To just be happy! Most of the time :) Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-08-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

Let's get right to it. 2 Green. Isn't that just fantastic! It might have something to do with the fact that the kids are back in school :) I know I'm headed in the right direction. My meds are working the way they should, and I'm going to therapy every other week instead of once a week now. So things are looking good. I'm gonna go to bed now cause I'm kinda tired. Oh and today I found joy in hanging out with my sister tonight. The one that lives with me. She is amazing and I love her! Good night.

Hooray for Education!!!!!

2010-08-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

Today I find joy in this. . . . .

I sent my boys off for their first day of school. The one in the green shirt is going to be in all day kindergarten. I'll be praying for his teacher today:)

The beginning of the school year is sort of an anniversary for me. It was after I sent my first son to kindergarten 4 years ago that I started having the intrusive thoughts. I was home alone with my two babies and it was terrifying. Today I sent off my second son to kindergarten with a heart full of love for my children. I look back at the past 4 years and I can see how far I have come. I know it's Wednesday and not Moody Monday, but today I see YELLOW, and it feels AWESOME! Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-08-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

I missed last Monday because we decided to go to Sea World last minute. We had a fabulous time as a family. As for my mood I'm gonna have to go with a 3 AQUA! I love this color. It is the color of my bedroom walls. It's very calming, but I still want YELLOW! Therapy is going well, and I think I'm getting my meds finally figured out. Oh and by the way school starts this Wednesday, and we are all very excited around here! And my 10 year anniversary is this Tuesday. I love my husband so much for sticking by me over the past 10 years. He is the BEST! So lots of good things are happening. I'm sharing more of myself with those around me and that feels good. Have a HAPPY MONDAY!

Thought Record

2010-07-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

This is what a thought record looks like. This is the last one that I did and that I feel comfortable sharing with you. In the first column you write down what the situation is. What happened that led to the unpleasant emotion.

In the second column you say what emotion you are feeling. Sad, angry, anxious, etc., and you give it a number. On a scale of 1 to 10 how strong is that emotion.

In the third column you write down the automatic thoughts you are telling yourself because of the situation. Then you give those thoughts a number too. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you really believe those thoughts.

In the fourth column you write down a more rational response to the situation or what is really the truth. Then you give this a number too. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you believe the rational response. This is my favorite part because it really does work for me. It helps me fight those automatic thoughts that I have about myself that bring me down.

In the last column you re-rate your belief in the automatic thought. Then you write down the emotion you are feeling after you have done the thought record, and rate that emotion as well.

I really enjoy doing these because I feel so much better after I complete the thought record. I think everyone could benefit from doing this. We all have situations that come up that create negative thoughts and feelings, and this helps you to take a step back and see things differently. I've tried doing this in my head as well, but it doesn't work very good for me. I always feel better after writing everything out though, and I hope it will work for you too. Have a happy thoughtful day!

MOODY MONDAY

2010-07-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

6 Brown Darn it! Oh well. Just a little more moody than last week. I think I've been thinking and worrying too much over the last week. I need to be better at catching my negative thoughts, so that I can do thought records because those really help me. I'll show you what a thought record looks like on another day. For now I need to go to bed and hopefully dream about the color YELLOW.

Wordle

2010-07-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

I was bored. Click to see my wordle.

Moody Monday

2010-07-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking maybe this would be a good way for me to make sure I post at least once a week. I would like to keep track of my moods and how I have been feeling. So on Mondays I will tell you exactly how I feel. I know it seems backwards but 1 yellow is the best mood, and 10 black is the worst. I'm not planning on any tens, but if a ten does show up send dark chocolate and flowers my way please. And the results are in. Drum roll please . . . . . . . . . .

4 PINK. Not to bad. It would be lower if I didn't feel like I have had the flu for the past several days, but I'll take it. I switched one of my medications last week and I can already feel a huge difference. I know I'm headed in the right direction. Pink's a nice color, but it's not yellow. When I can consistently stay at a yellow for 4 weeks in a row than I am going to reward myself with a photo shoot with my children. I've already talked to the photographer about what I want and I'm so excited. I've missed out on a lot over the past 4 years, and I can't wait to see myself become the mom I've always known I can be. Cheesy yes. Sorry no!

Tulips Roses It's All the Same

2010-07-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

This is my cute brother Brian. He just got home from serving a mission for our church down in the jungles of Brazil. The other two people in the picture are my cute sister Susan and her cute daughter Vie. The other night I was visiting with Brian about life and the things that have been going on while he has been gone for two years. I felt like I should share this part of my life with him because like I said I'm not hiding behind this anymore. I even recently told my mother in law. HUGE! My family is so important to me and especially my brothers and sisters. We've been through a lot together and have always been there to help and support each other in our trials and this shouldn't be any different. So I told my brother about this blog of mine, and he said that he would read it.

Last Tuesday I had therapy and it went kinda crappy. I wasn't able to gather my thoughts together and express what I was thinking. My therapist kept saying stop shrugging your shoulders we are beyond shoulder shrugging. So I would spit out words and broken thoughts, but it wasn't what I was really feeling. I left my appointment feeling down on myself. Which I recognize is just my old way of thinking. I really am trying to think more optimistically:)

I would just like to say thanks to my sisters and sister in laws who are always willing to watch my children while I have my appointments. They have been lifesavers to me. On this day it was Susan who came over to watch my kids while I was gone, and then she continued to hang out with me after I got home. So I'm home visiting with Susan trying to not be sad and Brian shows up with these. A dozen yellow roses. He said, "I don't even know what tulips are, so I got you these and they are yellow."

On my side bar you will see that happy things to me are tulips and the color yellow. Brian told me that he read my blog and that it made him cry and he couldn't sleep all night. I hugged him and fought back tears. He told me he was proud of me and that I AM doing a good job. He said lots of nice things to me and I took it. I believed what he was saying, and I quit feeling sorry for myself. Then we went to Barros and had a lovely black olive pizza. It was delicious! I love my brothers and sisters. The End.

I'm Going to Be Okay

2010-06-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

Two months ago my therapist asked me how it made me feel to know that other women out there have experienced the same thing that I have been through and that I will get better. I told her that I didn't really care and to just make it go away. She then pointed to the magic wand on her shelf that guess what..... isn't really magic. She can't just wave the wand and make it go away. I need to own what I have been through and take responsibility for my recovery. I can't place that on anybody but myself.

Today I watched this video by Katherine Stone over at PostpartumProgress. Today I care. Today I find comfort in knowing that other women know what it is like to have PPOCD. Today I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I find joy in a lazy summer morning laying around in our pj's. Or if you're my 5 year old you run around in your undies. I love that boy so much I could eat him for lunch! Have a great day!

I'M BACK . . . . . .

2010-05-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry that it has been a year. I'm going to try and make this long story short and spare you all the details. Last May I decided that I was going to go off my meds because I felt good and thought that it would be a good time to have a baby. Now I know that you shouldn't just stop taking your meds, so I talked to my doctor and he gave me the green light, so I blame him. Just kidding, but really I shouldn't have stopped taking them. It was too soon.

Two months after I quit taking the meds I started to feel funny. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I had bad headaches, and my mood was going down hill. I was afraid to be alone with my kids again. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't care. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. I continued to try to get pregnant while pushing through all the muck.

After seven months of trying to get pregnant and five months of muck I went back to my doctor to figure out what was going on with me. He diagnosed me with PMDD. (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) I thought great another mood disorder to deal with. Is this going to be my life? That was in January. Another funny thing happened in January. I became pregnant! Despite how I had been feeling the previous months I was excited to be having another baby. The symptoms of the PMDD went away and I was feeling good about everything.

Because of my previous miscarriage I wanted to make sure things were going ok, so I went in for an early ultrasound on March 1st. I was seven weeks along. My heart sunk when I didn't see a heart beat. The lady tried to tell me that it was still to early to tell for sure and to not worry, but I knew. On March 10th it was confirmed that I would be losing the baby. Everything came crashing down around me. I knew that it was going to be ugly, but something else happened to me. I had a sense of determination. I wasn't going to let this take me.

I immediately knew that I needed to find a new therapist. Someone who specialized in women issues. Before I even lost the baby I was emailing the Pres. of the AZ Postpartum Wellness Coalition. I found a therapist in my area that specializes in perinatal mood disorders. I had the miscarriage on March 21st. Ten days later I was sitting in the office of my new therapist. Starting from square one.

So what have I learned so far? I now know that what I experienced after I had my daughter four years ago was something called Postpartum OCD. I am a perfect textbook case example of what happens to someone when you let postpartum anything go untreated. For me Postpartum OCD meant high anxiety, and horrible thoughts and images in my mind. There was no way I was going to tell anyone what was happening. I thought that it would go away on its own, but it didn't. I suffered through this for two years before I started looking for help. When I found out that I was going to be having a miscarriage I started having flashbacks from those two years. Only this time the scary images that I would see in my mind were happening outside of me. I would look in the mirror and see it shatter. I would see cuts on my arm. I would see holes punched in the walls. I would look at my children's faces and see bruises. I knew that what I was seeing wasn't really there, but it was still terrifying. I got back on the meds right away and thankfully those kinds of things have stopped.

I'm sad that it has been four years. I'm sad that I suffered in silence for two freaking years. I'm sad that I spent the past year and a half in therapy that wasn't working for me. I'm sad for how this affects my family. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to get better, and I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not going to hide behind this anymore. I like what they are doing over at PostpartumProgress.com. They are talking about it and raising awareness about perinatal mood disorders. Women everyday are coming out on their blogs and sharing their experiences. I want to tell my story. I want to help other women. I'm a visual person and I see my mental health in colors. Ten being the worst is black, and one being the best is yellow. I'm at a six right now and that is the color brown. My therapist said when I'm yellow then I can help. Clearly the point I will be making is to not wait to get help. It's not worth it!

I've been looking over my previous posts. All five of them. I know. I'm quite the blogger. Anyways back to the point I was going to make. Those five posts were too pretty. I didn't do justice to Postpartum OCD and the things that I experienced. I was still hiding back then. I thought about changing the name of my blog to PPOCDisCRAP or WATCHwhereYOUstep, but I've decided to leave it. FINDjoyTODAY. It is still important for me to acknowledge the things in my life that bring me joy. It helps me see through the muck. Today it was racing my daughter down the hall and having a little dance party with her.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I'm done with this post. It wasn't exactly short, and there was probably to many details. Oh well. FIND JOY TODAY! I'm going to hit the publish post button now.

Door #1 or Door #2

2009-05-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I came here with one of my best friends and thousands of other woman. For my birthday/mother's day gift I got to leave my family for 4 days and go up to BYU for Women's Conference. For two full days I attended spiritually uplifting classes. We raced like mad women from class to class to make sure we could get in. The rooms filled up quickly, and while I'm sure all the classes were excellent. I didn't want to end up in a class about taking care of your elderly parents, or adjusting to life as an empty nester.

My favorite class was titled "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" (Philippians 4:11) I love that! This is my new favorite scripture. A young mother of one child who lost her husband to cancer three years ago was one of the speakers for this class. I watched her as she sat on stage before the class started, and tears were filling my eyes. I could sense and feel a tremendous amount of love and peace that was being poured down upon her from a loving Heavenly Father as she prepared to tell us her story.

She taught me that in life there are two doors we can choose from. The first door has the word WHY on it. This door is very easy to open and once we are inside, it is hard to get out. We constantly ask why we have to go through such hard trials. I know I have done a lot of this.

The second door has the word WHAT on it. This door is harder to open, but once we are inside we allow ourselves to become submissive to Heavenly Father. We ask what can I do to be better? What am I supposed to learn from my trials? We allow Heavenly Father to teach us and show us the way. I feel like I almost have this door open.

The other day my daughter was trying to open the door to our business and the door got too heavy for her to completely open and it closed on her arm. I quickly ran over and opened the door for her and she was fine. I thought of door #2 as I freed my daughters arm from this heavy door. I feel like I am caught in the doorway of what, and I wish sometimes that someone would just open the door the rest of the way for me. I know that I have to figure it out for myself. I also know that I need to work on having more trust and faith in Heavenly Father.

The other 2 days that I was in Utah were spent visiting with family members who live there and lots of SHOPPING! I bought this yellow flower box and lots of other fantastic things for my bedroom. It was crazy how much joy I felt by just looking at these fresh tulips. They have since died, but I will continue to have fresh flowers in my bedroom. You should try having fresh flowers in your bedroom. It improved many things in my bedroom. If you know what I mean.

Anyways now I'm just being silly. My grandma reads this blog. Have I no decency! Thanks for checking in. Sorry I'm not a very good blogger.

Be Still

2009-03-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

"Be Still"

Hillary Weeks

Another day, I'll try again.

But can You tell me will the hurting ever end?

I've been taught, and I believe,

But its been awhile since I've been on my knees.

But I need You by my side.

I don't have the strength to make it on my own.

And Lord do you hear my prayer?

How soon will You answer me?

I know you're weary.

I know you've had all you can bear,

And now you ask of me on bended knee,

I promise I'll be there.

I've watched you struggle,

And yet I can see how much you've grown.

Child could you feel my power in your darkest hour?

You were not alone.

Be still and know that I am God.

I'm by your side,

Whom shall you fear?

I'll give you strength.

My child, I am here!

Be still and know that I am God,

And there's no prayer that I don't hear.

Lift up your head my child.

I am here.

Right now I am finding joy in my faith. Faith in my Savior Jesus Christ. Faith in the plan that is for me. This past week I have really tried to pray and ponder the scriptures every day, and to know who I really am. My stake patriarch came to our house last Sunday night at my request, and visited with me and my husband. I wanted to learn from him and feel of the tremendous spirit that he brings. He has so much knowledge and I was spiritually fed that night.

He encouraged me to look in the mirror, and to really try to make a connection with my spirit. If we can truly understand the spirit that is ours, and where we come from, we can get through the trials in our life. The next morning I put my kids in front of the tv and locked myself in the closet. I listened to this song "Be Still" on repeat while I stared at myself in the mirror for a good 15 minutes. It was an awesome experience. You should try it.

The further I get out of this trial of PPD the more I can see that I never was alone. I sure felt alone while I was there, but now I can see that the Lord was by my side the whole time. I know that Heavenly Angels surrounded me and protected me and my family from harm.

I know we have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that Jesus Christ died for me, and that he understands all the pain and sorrow that I have felt in my life. I don't know why some trials have to be so hard, but I know that each trial I overcome I come away better and stronger for it. So bring it on. Not really. I could use a little break.

My Second Born

2009-02-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

I find so much joy in this kid. I was able to take him to his short stuff sports class this past Saturday. When he woke up that morning he said I want to wear my muscle shirt and headband to sports. He got some funny looks from others but I thought he was absolutely adorable. I loved how the headband squished his eyes. I have a special connection with this one. He is definitely a mommas boy. At the same time he tries my patience every second of the day and makes me question my ability to be a "good" mom. My therapist would ask what makes a mom "good", and I would say all the things that I am not. So really I need to focus on all the things that I am. I need to soak up the moments like short stuff sports and squishy little eyes. Because at the end of the day when my son gives me one of his GIANT smiles, a BIG hug, and tells me he loves me, I know deep down inside that I'm doing the best that I can.

It's just a PENGUIN

2009-01-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

So December was a super busy month for me, as I'm sure it was for all of you. In all the hustle and bustle it was hard for me to take the time to feel the joy. I know that I had many wonderful experiences this past month. I was just so stinking busy doing this and that. Going here and there. That I didn't let the joy sink in, but I would like to share one experience.

Who knew that you could find joy at 3:30 AM being a mom. Not me. I woke up to my 7 year old son standing at the side of our bed. When he knew that we had seen him he scurried out of the room. My husband turned to me and said that our son had been up for the past hour, and that he didn't know what else he could do for him. They had gotten a drink. Gone to the bathroom. Said a prayer that the bad dreams would stop, and nothing brought comfort to our son. Now I rarely get up during the night because if I do it takes me a long time to fall back asleep, but I knew it was my turn. My husband had already been up for a hour and he deserves to sleep too.

I put my son back in bed and stroked his forehead and told him to relax and that he was going to be just fine and there are no such things as monsters and on and on. Not once did he even blink his eyes. He just kept telling me over and over again how scared he was. He sat up in bed and said mom I know that monsters are not real, but when I see the monster it's scary and it's real to me. When he said those words I immediately knew how I was going to help him.

I remembered saying almost the exact same words in one of my sessions. I was talking to my therapist about the scary thoughts and images that bothered me so much, and he said let's do an experiment. He said I am going to time you for one minute. Think about whatever you want, but whatever you do don't think about a penguin.

Go.

So of course right away I saw a big fat penguin looking at me, and at first I got really irritated that this penguin wouldn't go away, so I closed my eyes and just tried to relax. The penguin went in and out of my thoughts and I didn't let it bother me.

Times up.

The therapist thought that it was interesting that I closed my eyes, and wanted to know what happened when I did that. I said it helped me to relax and think about other things. Sometimes the penguin was there and sometimes it wasn't. No big deal. The therapist said that I was his first patient ever to learn what I was supposed to without having to do the second part of the experiment. Which is to think about whatever you want for a minute and it's okay if you think about a penguin. I didn't have to do that part because I already got it.

I started crying and he asked what the tears were about. I said this is what I have been doing for the past 2 years. I have taught myself how to relax through all this fear and anxiety and it's not working. I want it to go away. It's so scary to me. So then I was shown a clip from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The scene was called Boggart in the wardrobe. It showed me how to change my fears in to something ridiculous. I knew that I needed to teach my son the same thing.

So I said to my son. What would happen if we gave your monster a baby bottle and put a party hat on his head. My son busted up laughing. He knew exactly what he was supposed to do. Let me try mom. He stuck both pointer fingers into his ears, shut his eyes, and said an elephant wearing sneakers. That was followed with lots of giggling. He said okay mom you can go. I'll let you know how it goes in the morning.

I then laid in bed awake for the next 2 hours like I knew that I would, but it was all worth it. I thought about a lot of things in those 2 hours, but mainly I was feeling joy in being a mom. I was able to teach my son something that will help him through out his life. Something that I had only just begun to understand. Everything I do. Everything I go through. It's all worth it. For moments like these. Have a great day! Don't worry about the penguin. It's just a penguin.

My Journey

2008-11-26T22:30:00.000-08:00

I have been impressed by other women out there in the blogging world who have been willing to put it all out there so that I can learn from their experiences. Thank you. I'm feeling like I need to do the same for myself and for others out there who maybe are experiencing similar trials. I have struggled with depression off and on for the past14 years. I have had to deal with the divorce and infidelity of both of my parents. My parents no longer hold onto the very values that they taught me to believe in. My parents have chosen lifestyles that have kept them from caring for their childrens spiritual, emotional, and physical needs on a daily basis, so I am raising my teenage brother and sister. I don't know if my parents will come across this blog or not, but if they do I want them to know that I do love them very much, but I do not approve of the things that they do.

I have a fabulous husband who has been there for me every step of the way since I first met him at my 16th birthday party. I have 3 beautiful children who bring me so much joy. At the same time I feel so overwhelmed with raising these special spirits. I had my last 2 kids less than a year apart and it was very hard to take care of 2 babies, but things were going well.

About 8 months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a whole new level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I knew right away that it must be post-partum depression. I completely shut down inside. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.

Then just a couple of months later at the beginning of this year I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just came from.

I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through this alone again. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I needed to go on medication again. I know it makes him sad. Like he isn't good enough to make me happy. I hope he doesn't feel that way. I have the greatest husband in the world. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better.

I called up a therapist that I knew of to schedule an appointment and the conversation went like this.

Therapist:When would you like to come in?

Me:As soon as you can see me.

Therapist:This might be too soon, but my 5:15 just canceled. Can you be here in 45 minutes?

So after holding on to all this fear and anxiety for two years I had 45 minutes to prepare myself to spill my guts. I got off the phone and started bawling, said a prayer, pulled myself together, and was out the door. That first session is kind of hard because you spend most of the time spilling your guts and then it's time to go. I'm like wait fix me. What am I suppposed to do? I have had several sessions since then. Some have been really good and helpful, and other times I feel so shut down inside that I don't know what to say or where I want the session to go and I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time.

I've been surprised that all the ugly stuff that brought me so much stress has been the easiest to overcome. I think the hardest thing for me is going to be changing my self image, and breaking down the extremely tall wall around me so that I can reach out to others and allow others to reach back to me. My therapist referenced Pres. Monson's talk about finding joy in the journey from this past General Conference and encouraged me to find joy in my life. There are mornings when I lay in bed not wanting to get up and I wonder how I will possibly find joy, and then I think that it doesn't say stay in bed and wait for joy to fall upon you. It says GET UP AND FIND JOY!

So here I am with this blog. I'm not sure what to expect from doing this. I guess I would hope to help others out there who also feel like they are all alone, but I think my main goal is to show myself that I can feel joy in my life. I don't want this blog to be depressing. I know it wont always be pretty, but I promise to find joy in something with every post. If you are still reading thanks for sticking with me. I will close out this post with something from Pres. Monson. "My sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey." FIND JOY IN YOUR JOURNEY! Oh and today I found joy in the rain. I also found joy in chasing my little ones around the house and then pretending to eat them once I caught them. YUMMY!