Moving Forward

I'm pleased to introduce you to therapist #6 Natasha Helfer Parker AKA "The Mormon Therapist". While I was learning a lot about myself with the last one I felt like I wasn't really getting anywhere, so time to move on. Natasha lives in Kansas so we do therapy over Skype, and actually we call it "coaching" since she isn't licensed in the state of AZ. We have met 3 times so far and it has been great!

The kids started school yesterday! Which means I'm at my 7 year anniversary since the start of PPOCD! Crazy! Yesterday was a good day. I missed the kids. I did some things to take care of myself and stayed busy.

Last week I signed up to be a Pure Romance consultant! Ooh la la. Let me know if you want to have a party, or you can just purchase through my page. www.juliebrinton.pureromance.com I don't think I will do much with it, but I think it might be a fun thing to do here and there.

I'm doing well. At group this week I got emotional which doesn't usually happen. I was listening to other moms tell their stories and I started to cry because I was feeling the emotions of their experiences. I didn't have any emotions when I was going through my experience. I had to numb out in order to survive. It was like I was feeling the pain of what I had gone through for the first time. It was nice to be feeling something. Thinking about the kids going back to school I think also played a role in getting emotional.

Happy weekend! It's our 13 year wedding anniversary and I'm looking forward to being with Rob all weekend long! Love him!

YELLOW :)

It was a lot easier to talk about how I'm doing when it was just me in therapy. Now it's me and my husband in therapy together talking about the most personal aspects of our lives. Not that I have to share everything, but I miss my updates and trying to figure out where I'm at on my scale of Yellow to Black. I hope to do better. It's good for me to write stuff down so I can see my progress. Here are a few updates.

Rob & I continue to work on communication. I don't know why it has to be so hard. We love each other so much and have been a support to one another for like the past 18 years or something crazy like that. We are getting better at talking, but it's still painful. Earlier this week I had a meltdown and we both ended up crying and holding on to each other. It felt so weird to me. I emailed our therapist to talk about it and this was her response.  From what I'm reading, it sounds like you and Rob talking, him asking what you were needing from him in that moment, you sharing what you were needing, him sharing his fears, you sharing yours and sobbing together:  if that's what happened, then as difficult and strange as it may have been, it is exactly what you are both needing to be doing. I guess we are doing it right :)

I'm learning that I have been allowing shame to control me and that shame is my enemy. Bad shame. Have you heard of Brene Brown? She is awesome! She is a shame researcher. Sounds like fun huh? Watch this video. It is fantastic!  http://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

To help me along in the sex therapy department, last October, I decided to do a sexy photo shoot. You know me. I'm a visual artsy type person. When I was dealing with my PPOCD I took pictures with my kids. Now that I'm working on sex issues I take pictures in my underwear :) Rob didn't know and I surprised him with a book of the pics for his birthday. He loved it and it was seriously one of the funnest things I have ever done. One of my faves. Yellow of course!

Well it's after midnight. I should go to bed. It has been a fabulous weekend! Rob took the kids up North to the family ranch, and I stayed home to get some things done around the house. The peace and quiet was also nice as I brace myself for summer. Friday was the first day of no school and they were already bored and wanting to be entertained :)

Happy Memorial Day! Much love to all those who have fought to protect our freedoms!

My Steps to Recovery: See, Believe, Feel, Heal

I'm a visual person. Printed word speaks to me and helps me get in touch with what I'm feeling. I tend to numb everything to get through difficult stuff. I put this collage together when I was in the throes of PPOCD. Lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It took awhile but I'm better now.

I consider myself recovered for about a good year, but I think you almost need to recover from recovering. I call this one my vision board. It is framed and hangs on my bedroom wall where I can see it all the time. It keeps me grounded in the things that were able to help me get to a better place. I know I can look at this anytime I'm feeling anxious or depressed and it will direct me back to the knowledge that I have that I am capable of conquering anything.

You are not alone. This isn't your fault. You will get better.

• If you need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

•  If you are looking for local pregnancy or postpartum support and resources in your area, please call or email us:

Postpartum Support International Warmline (English & Spanish)
1-800-944-4PPD (4773)
support@postpartum.ne

I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH!!!

Checking In

I am doing good. I did have to increase my meds due to extra stress and physical pain. Hopefully as the stress subsides so will the pain, and then I can go back down. Therapy is going well. We don't talk very much about sex, but it is fascinating how everything we do talk about ties right back into intimacy. I am seeing lots of improvement in myself and our relationship. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my girlies at Time Out For Women. Then on Monday Rob and I are both speaking at a training about our experience with PPOCD. I'm looking forward to hearing his side of the story. I don't think I would have been strong enough to hear it 6 months ago. Anyways that's my update. Have a great weekend!

Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love, Get Down Tonight

We had our first session together with Dr. Gold Thursday morning. It went so well we were back in her office Friday morning. Rob and I are fighting for an emotional connection. We love each other so much that neither one of us wants to say or do anything that could possibly hurt one another. That has prevented us from really being able to feel close to each other. In the past when we have had to have a serious conversation we have learned that it isn't safe to share our feelings with each other because it only causes the other person pain. We basically don't know how to talk to each other. This book is going to teach us how to do that.

It doesn't really matter what you are talking about. It's how you talk about it. Having a conversation is like dancing. For Rob and I we barely get one step in and the dance is over. So after our session on Thursday we attempted to have a conversation and it blew up in our face, and we were like this is why we don't talk to each other. We both wanted to give up. Long story short we are not giving up. We talked more Thursday night about how we feel stuck and now what do we do. We had intimate relations at 3 in the morning as a way for me to show Rob that I am not going to shut down like I would have in the past, and that I am in this 100%. We were back in Dr. Gold's office Friday morning ready to try again. She helped walk us through the conversation we were trying to have the day before and I think made a lot of things clearer to us as to how to communicate more effectively. We left feeling so much better. Yay!

Back to School

I was not expecting a reaction this morning sending the kids off for their first day of school. I am anxious and feeling really alone :(