Fear

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

In therapy this week we talked a little bit about fear, and how I have let fear control my life. I can see that my fears keep me stuck in this cycle of depression. For me to do anything beyond what I have already done in order to be stable would be really hard. I'm quite comfortable in my box, and for me to get out of the box will be painful. It will require me to make some real changes. Something I haven't done with my last 3 therapists. This time has to be different. I want to be well for myself, husband, and children. My family is worth fighting for and so am I.

My homework assignment is to identify 3 things that I would like to try just for fun. It can't involve mental health. I'm already good at that. I attend the PPD support group, and I volunteer for the warmline. Both are great ways for me to get out of the box, but what can I do for fun. So far I have come up with taking a sewing class. What's something you have always wanted to try? If you have any great ideas please share them with me.

I hope you're having a great Halloween weekend! I'll see you tomorrow for Moody Monday.

MOODY MONDAY

Still Pink. Today I'm thinking about changes. I wish I lived in a place where the leaves did this! I wish I could change the way I think, act, and feel just as easily as the leaves change colors in the Fall. Who knows. Maybe its hard work for a leaf to change colors. They certainly don't do it here where I live. All I know is that I'm stuck. I can tell that I'm resisting change. I want to get better. I really do! I'm more stable now which is great considering where I started from 8 months ago, but I know I haven't changed. I'm gonna have to decide for myself if I'm really worth fighting for. Am I willing to do the hard work? In the past I've always settled for stable, and that just gets me a new therapist every 2-3 years. This time around it has to be different. Anyways enough of that. Just something for me to think about. Have a great day!

Super Saturday

So Moody Monday was a wash. It's a good thing I didn't have access to a computer on Monday because I was at a 10 BLACK. Luckily I had a good friend bring me yellow tulips and dark chocolate :) My trip to visit my grandparents went well. The weather was beautiful. It was nice to be in a place where fall happens! My due date came and went without much thought. Yes I still want to have a baby, but I'm glad that it isn't right now. I need to focus on getting better and having a baby would have only complicated things more than they already are.

So you are probably wondering why my mood was black. On the last night of our trip we got a call from our family letting us know that our home had been burglarized and our car was stolen. It was so hard to be so far away while all this was happening. A big thank you to our families for taking care of our children and making sure they were safe. It's a horrible feeling to not feel safe in your own home. We are getting everything put back together again. Stuff can be replaced. I'm just thankful to have my family!

My mood has slowly been coming back down. I'm somewhere around a 4 PINK now. I went to a support group for postpartum depression last week. I think it will be helpful to keep going. It was nice to be able to talk openly about my experiences and not feel judged by anybody. I think it will also help me to better handle calls that I might get on the warmline. I've taken several shifts now and I really enjoy doing it.

Anyways it's getting late and I feel like I'm blabbing. I'm going to bed. See you on Monday.

HAPPY MOODY MONDAY

My shirt is yellow. My shoes are yellow, and my mood is yellow. I'm having a great day! The kids will be home all week and I'm looking forward to it. Therapy went well on Friday. My therapist is noticing a cycle to my anxiety and intrusive thoughts so we are working on decreasing my anxiety. My homework for the week is to take care of myself, breathing exercises, and do some fun things with the kids. I think I can do that! I'm flying to Oregon this weekend with my husband to visit my grandparents. It should be a lot of fun. I'm a little anxious about the flight. Okay a lot anxious. I see my psychiatric NP tomorrow and I will get some anti-anxiety meds for the flight. I've never taken something for a flight before, but I figure there is no reason to put myself through all that anxiety, so we'll see how it goes. Staci Allen you get my kids if something happens to us :) I'd love to keep chatting but I have a pot of soup to make for the family Halloween party tonight. Chicken tortilla. YUM! Hope the weather cools off enough to enjoy the soup! Have a great rest of the day!

MOODY MONDAY

I have a confession to make. I had a lot of anxiety while I typed up my last post. My therapist thought it would be fun to see if I could go 3 weeks without seeing her. I panicked inside when she told me this, but made the appointment for 3 weeks out anyways. She told me I could call her if something came up. I was also thinking about my next homework assignment which is to identify my old behaviors when they come up. Then I need to list what I am trying to avoid or what I am scared of, and then list what I can do differently. One of my old behaviors is hiding in my room when my kids are being naughty. You know, not listening, fighting, being too loud, making messes, that sort of thing. If it's really bad then I hide in my closet. The furthest point I can get away from it all without leaving the house. My therapist gets after me if I go to the closet so I've been pretty good about not going in there. Tell me I'm not the only mom that hides from her kids:) I wondered why I have avoided being a mom when it comes to discipline and what it is I am scared of, and all of a sudden all the intrusive thoughts, images, and video clips that have played in my mind over the past 4 years came into my head. Stupid intrusive thoughts. I cried. It was very quick lasting about 15-20 seconds. I quickly finished up the post. Then I took my sleeping pills to numb my mind and was out in 30 minutes.

The next morning I called my therapist to let her know that 3 weeks was not going to work. I will be seeing her this Friday. We will be talking about intrusive thoughts. Why do I have them? What do they mean? How do they relate to my relationship with my children? And how the heck do I get rid of them!!? It has been long enough! Seriously!!!

Now that that's out of the way lets get to the good news for today. Like the fact that I'm YELLOW! I think that it is great that even though I have these negative experiences I'm not letting them affect my mood. I'm learning to deal with the good and the bad, and to that I say welcome to life!