Moody Monday

So I was thinking maybe this would be a good way for me to make sure I post at least once a week. I would like to keep track of my moods and how I have been feeling. So on Mondays I will tell you exactly how I feel. I know it seems backwards but 1 yellow is the best mood, and 10 black is the worst. I'm not planning on any tens, but if a ten does show up send dark chocolate and flowers my way please. And the results are in. Drum roll please . . . . . . . . . .

4 PINK. Not to bad. It would be lower if I didn't feel like I have had the flu for the past several days, but I'll take it. I switched one of my medications last week and I can already feel a huge difference. I know I'm headed in the right direction. Pink's a nice color, but it's not yellow. When I can consistently stay at a yellow for 4 weeks in a row than I am going to reward myself with a photo shoot with my children. I've already talked to the photographer about what I want and I'm so excited. I've missed out on a lot over the past 4 years, and I can't wait to see myself become the mom I've always known I can be. Cheesy yes. Sorry no!

Tulips Roses It's All the Same

This is my cute brother Brian. He just got home from serving a mission for our church down in the jungles of Brazil. The other two people in the picture are my cute sister Susan and her cute daughter Vie. The other night I was visiting with Brian about life and the things that have been going on while he has been gone for two years. I felt like I should share this part of my life with him because like I said I'm not hiding behind this anymore. I even recently told my mother in law. HUGE! My family is so important to me and especially my brothers and sisters. We've been through a lot together and have always been there to help and support each other in our trials and this shouldn't be any different. So I told my brother about this blog of mine, and he said that he would read it.




Last Tuesday I had therapy and it went kinda crappy. I wasn't able to gather my thoughts together and express what I was thinking. My therapist kept saying stop shrugging your shoulders we are beyond shoulder shrugging. So I would spit out words and broken thoughts, but it wasn't what I was really feeling. I left my appointment feeling down on myself. Which I recognize is just my old way of thinking. I really am trying to think more optimistically:)

I would just like to say thanks to my sisters and sister in laws who are always willing to watch my children while I have my appointments. They have been lifesavers to me. On this day it was Susan who came over to watch my kids while I was gone, and then she continued to hang out with me after I got home. So I'm home visiting with Susan trying to not be sad and Brian shows up with these. A dozen yellow roses. He said, "I don't even know what tulips are, so I got you these and they are yellow."


On my side bar you will see that happy things to me are tulips and the color yellow. Brian told me that he read my blog and that it made him cry and he couldn't sleep all night. I hugged him and fought back tears. He told me he was proud of me and that I AM doing a good job. He said lots of nice things to me and I took it. I believed what he was saying, and I quit feeling sorry for myself. Then we went to Barros and had a lovely black olive pizza. It was delicious! I love my brothers and sisters. The End.

I'm Going to Be Okay

Two months ago my therapist asked me how it made me feel to know that other women out there have experienced the same thing that I have been through and that I will get better. I told her that I didn't really care and to just make it go away. She then pointed to the magic wand on her shelf that guess what..... isn't really magic. She can't just wave the wand and make it go away. I need to own what I have been through and take responsibility for my recovery. I can't place that on anybody but myself.

Today I watched this video by Katherine Stone over at PostpartumProgress. Today I care. Today I find comfort in knowing that other women know what it is like to have PPOCD. Today I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I find joy in a lazy summer morning laying around in our pj's. Or if you're my 5 year old you run around in your undies. I love that boy so much I could eat him for lunch! Have a great day!

I'M BACK . . . . . .

Sorry that it has been a year. I'm going to try and make this long story short and spare you all the details. Last May I decided that I was going to go off my meds because I felt good and thought that it would be a good time to have a baby. Now I know that you shouldn't just stop taking your meds, so I talked to my doctor and he gave me the green light, so I blame him. Just kidding, but really I shouldn't have stopped taking them. It was too soon.

Two months after I quit taking the meds I started to feel funny. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I had bad headaches, and my mood was going down hill. I was afraid to be alone with my kids again. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't care. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. I continued to try to get pregnant while pushing through all the muck.

After seven months of trying to get pregnant and five months of muck I went back to my doctor to figure out what was going on with me. He diagnosed me with PMDD. (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) I thought great another mood disorder to deal with. Is this going to be my life? That was in January. Another funny thing happened in January. I became pregnant! Despite how I had been feeling the previous months I was excited to be having another baby. The symptoms of the PMDD went away and I was feeling good about everything.

Because of my previous miscarriage I wanted to make sure things were going ok, so I went in for an early ultrasound on March 1st. I was seven weeks along. My heart sunk when I didn't see a heart beat. The lady tried to tell me that it was still to early to tell for sure and to not worry, but I knew. On March 10th it was confirmed that I would be losing the baby. Everything came crashing down around me. I knew that it was going to be ugly, but something else happened to me. I had a sense of determination. I wasn't going to let this take me.

I immediately knew that I needed to find a new therapist. Someone who specialized in women issues. Before I even lost the baby I was emailing the Pres. of the AZ Postpartum Wellness Coalition. I found a therapist in my area that specializes in perinatal mood disorders. I had the miscarriage on March 21st. Ten days later I was sitting in the office of my new therapist. Starting from square one.

So what have I learned so far? I now know that what I experienced after I had my daughter four years ago was something called Postpartum OCD. I am a perfect textbook case example of what happens to someone when you let postpartum anything go untreated. For me Postpartum OCD meant high anxiety, and horrible thoughts and images in my mind. There was no way I was going to tell anyone what was happening. I thought that it would go away on its own, but it didn't. I suffered through this for two years before I started looking for help. When I found out that I was going to be having a miscarriage I started having flashbacks from those two years. Only this time the scary images that I would see in my mind were happening outside of me. I would look in the mirror and see it shatter. I would see cuts on my arm. I would see holes punched in the walls. I would look at my children's faces and see bruises. I knew that what I was seeing wasn't really there, but it was still terrifying. I got back on the meds right away and thankfully those kinds of things have stopped.

I'm sad that it has been four years. I'm sad that I suffered in silence for two freaking years. I'm sad that I spent the past year and a half in therapy that wasn't working for me. I'm sad for how this affects my family. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to get better, and I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not going to hide behind this anymore. I like what they are doing over at PostpartumProgress.com. They are talking about it and raising awareness about perinatal mood disorders. Women everyday are coming out on their blogs and sharing their experiences. I want to tell my story. I want to help other women. I'm a visual person and I see my mental health in colors. Ten being the worst is black, and one being the best is yellow. I'm at a six right now and that is the color brown. My therapist said when I'm yellow then I can help. Clearly the point I will be making is to not wait to get help. It's not worth it!

I've been looking over my previous posts. All five of them. I know. I'm quite the blogger. Anyways back to the point I was going to make. Those five posts were too pretty. I didn't do justice to Postpartum OCD and the things that I experienced. I was still hiding back then. I thought about changing the name of my blog to PPOCDisCRAP or WATCHwhereYOUstep, but I've decided to leave it. FINDjoyTODAY. It is still important for me to acknowledge the things in my life that bring me joy. It helps me see through the muck. Today it was racing my daughter down the hall and having a little dance party with her.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I'm done with this post. It wasn't exactly short, and there was probably to many details. Oh well. FIND JOY TODAY! I'm going to hit the publish post button now.

Door #1 or Door #2

Two weeks ago I came here with one of my best friends and thousands of other woman. For my birthday/mother's day gift I got to leave my family for 4 days and go up to BYU for Women's Conference. For two full days I attended spiritually uplifting classes. We raced like mad women from class to class to make sure we could get in. The rooms filled up quickly, and while I'm sure all the classes were excellent. I didn't want to end up in a class about taking care of your elderly parents, or adjusting to life as an empty nester.

My favorite class was titled "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" (Philippians 4:11) I love that! This is my new favorite scripture. A young mother of one child who lost her husband to cancer three years ago was one of the speakers for this class. I watched her as she sat on stage before the class started, and tears were filling my eyes. I could sense and feel a tremendous amount of love and peace that was being poured down upon her from a loving Heavenly Father as she prepared to tell us her story.

She taught me that in life there are two doors we can choose from. The first door has the word WHY on it. This door is very easy to open and once we are inside, it is hard to get out. We constantly ask why we have to go through such hard trials. I know I have done a lot of this.

The second door has the word WHAT on it. This door is harder to open, but once we are inside we allow ourselves to become submissive to Heavenly Father. We ask what can I do to be better? What am I supposed to learn from my trials? We allow Heavenly Father to teach us and show us the way. I feel like I almost have this door open.

The other day my daughter was trying to open the door to our business and the door got too heavy for her to completely open and it closed on her arm. I quickly ran over and opened the door for her and she was fine. I thought of door #2 as I freed my daughters arm from this heavy door. I feel like I am caught in the doorway of what, and I wish sometimes that someone would just open the door the rest of the way for me. I know that I have to figure it out for myself. I also know that I need to work on having more trust and faith in Heavenly Father.

The other 2 days that I was in Utah were spent visiting with family members who live there and lots of SHOPPING! I bought this yellow flower box and lots of other fantastic things for my bedroom. It was crazy how much joy I felt by just looking at these fresh tulips. They have since died, but I will continue to have fresh flowers in my bedroom. You should try having fresh flowers in your bedroom. It improved many things in my bedroom. If you know what I mean.

Anyways now I'm just being silly. My grandma reads this blog. Have I no decency! Thanks for checking in. Sorry I'm not a very good blogger.

Be Still

"Be Still"

Hillary Weeks

Another day, I'll try again.

But can You tell me will the hurting ever end?

I've been taught, and I believe,

But its been awhile since I've been on my knees.

But I need You by my side.

I don't have the strength to make it on my own.

And Lord do you hear my prayer?

How soon will You answer me?

I know you're weary.

I know you've had all you can bear,

And now you ask of me on bended knee,

I promise I'll be there.

I've watched you struggle,

And yet I can see how much you've grown.

Child could you feel my power in your darkest hour?

You were not alone.

Be still and know that I am God.

I'm by your side,

Whom shall you fear?

I'll give you strength.

My child, I am here!

Be still and know that I am God,

And there's no prayer that I don't hear.

Lift up your head my child.

I am here.

Right now I am finding joy in my faith. Faith in my Savior Jesus Christ. Faith in the plan that is for me. This past week I have really tried to pray and ponder the scriptures every day, and to know who I really am. My stake patriarch came to our house last Sunday night at my request, and visited with me and my husband. I wanted to learn from him and feel of the tremendous spirit that he brings. He has so much knowledge and I was spiritually fed that night.

He encouraged me to look in the mirror, and to really try to make a connection with my spirit. If we can truly understand the spirit that is ours, and where we come from, we can get through the trials in our life. The next morning I put my kids in front of the tv and locked myself in the closet. I listened to this song "Be Still" on repeat while I stared at myself in the mirror for a good 15 minutes. It was an awesome experience. You should try it.

The further I get out of this trial of PPD the more I can see that I never was alone. I sure felt alone while I was there, but now I can see that the Lord was by my side the whole time. I know that Heavenly Angels surrounded me and protected me and my family from harm.

I know we have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that Jesus Christ died for me, and that he understands all the pain and sorrow that I have felt in my life. I don't know why some trials have to be so hard, but I know that each trial I overcome I come away better and stronger for it. So bring it on. Not really. I could use a little break.

My Second Born

I find so much joy in this kid. I was able to take him to his short stuff sports class this past Saturday. When he woke up that morning he said I want to wear my muscle shirt and headband to sports. He got some funny looks from others but I thought he was absolutely adorable. I loved how the headband squished his eyes. I have a special connection with this one. He is definitely a mommas boy. At the same time he tries my patience every second of the day and makes me question my ability to be a "good" mom. My therapist would ask what makes a mom "good", and I would say all the things that I am not. So really I need to focus on all the things that I am. I need to soak up the moments like short stuff sports and squishy little eyes. Because at the end of the day when my son gives me one of his GIANT smiles, a BIG hug, and tells me he loves me, I know deep down inside that I'm doing the best that I can.