MOODY MONDAY

I have a confession to make. I had a lot of anxiety while I typed up my last post. My therapist thought it would be fun to see if I could go 3 weeks without seeing her. I panicked inside when she told me this, but made the appointment for 3 weeks out anyways. She told me I could call her if something came up. I was also thinking about my next homework assignment which is to identify my old behaviors when they come up. Then I need to list what I am trying to avoid or what I am scared of, and then list what I can do differently. One of my old behaviors is hiding in my room when my kids are being naughty. You know, not listening, fighting, being too loud, making messes, that sort of thing. If it's really bad then I hide in my closet. The furthest point I can get away from it all without leaving the house. My therapist gets after me if I go to the closet so I've been pretty good about not going in there. Tell me I'm not the only mom that hides from her kids:) I wondered why I have avoided being a mom when it comes to discipline and what it is I am scared of, and all of a sudden all the intrusive thoughts, images, and video clips that have played in my mind over the past 4 years came into my head. Stupid intrusive thoughts. I cried. It was very quick lasting about 15-20 seconds. I quickly finished up the post. Then I took my sleeping pills to numb my mind and was out in 30 minutes.

The next morning I called my therapist to let her know that 3 weeks was not going to work. I will be seeing her this Friday. We will be talking about intrusive thoughts. Why do I have them? What do they mean? How do they relate to my relationship with my children? And how the heck do I get rid of them!!? It has been long enough! Seriously!!!

Now that that's out of the way lets get to the good news for today. Like the fact that I'm YELLOW! I think that it is great that even though I have these negative experiences I'm not letting them affect my mood. I'm learning to deal with the good and the bad, and to that I say welcome to life!

MOODY MONDAY

2 GREEN. Therapy was great today! I think my therapist is the best. She shared this poem with me.

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. . . I am helpless.
It isn't my fault. . .
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall. . . it's a habit. . . but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"

Love it!!!! Hope you had a great day and if not there is always tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. You get what I mean. It will get better.

BAD DAY

So I didn't stay YELLOW, but that's okay. I'm learning to be okay when a bad day comes along. I know we all have bad days. It doesn't mean that I have to feel sorry for myself or get depressed. It doesn't mean that I'm slipping back into the black hole that I was in. It is what it is. Like a bad hair day I suppose.

I had to go to the pharmacy this week to get my meds. I hate going there. No matter how hard I try I can't stop the negative thoughts and emotions that rush through me as I pick up my medications. Three different ones to be exact. While I know these drugs are saving my life right now, I sure wish I didn't need them. I can tell that I need to do a thought record on this. I'm gonna have to go to the pharmacy at least once a month for the next little while and it shouldn't have to ruin my day everytime I go.

Anyways I'm gonna go do a thought record on taking medication, and hopefully I can look at this in a different way. I have therapy tomorrow afternoon. I'll do Moody Monday after my session. I never know how I'm gonna feel when I walk out of there :)

MOODY MONDAY

Still YELLOW! Have a fabulous day!

Just so you know . . . .

I'm having a YELLOW Day!

Tuesday Edition of Moody Monday (aka Monday was crazy)

I had a busy day yesterday and Moody Monday never even crossed my mind. Last week was kind of hard. I got up to a 7 ORANGE which is never any good when it comes to my mood. There was just a lot of stressful situations last week which led to intrusive thoughts and negative feelings. I think I handled it well though and today I'm at a 2 GREEN.

Yesterday I had therapy, and she always asks me what my greatest need is, and yesterday I said to be able to feel love. Both on the receiving and giving end. We talked about how love is an action not a feeling. I can't just wait for warm fuzzy feelings of love to come over me. I need to put love into action. On the flip side I need to accept love from others. I almost always have negative feelings associated with people showing me love. For example. My sweet husband swept and mopped the kitchen floor this morning. (love you babe!) Normally I would have told myself that I am lazy, and I should have mopped the floors yesterday, and my poor husband works all day long and comes home to a messy house, and blah blah blah blah blah. Today I said to myself my husband is great! He must really appreciate the things that I do everyday. He must really love me to be mopping the floors because he hates mopping just as much as I do. Then I gave him a big kiss to show him that I love and appreciate him for all that he does. See how that works? So much better than beating myself up all day, and I can enjoy my clean kitchen floor for at least a few more hours ;) I hope you have a LOVELY day!

MOODY MONDAY

4 PINK I had some bad days last week. Nothing too terrible. Just some sadness and anger. I had an assignment for therapy to write a goodbye letter to the miscarriage and baby. I wrote this nice 2 page letter about how I was thankful for the experience because I have learned so much from it. I said goodbye to the pain of the miscarriage. I said goodbye to the baby. I wrote about how I no longer feel like I am in hell, and how amazing and wonderful that feels. I wrote down the words to the hymn How Firm a Foundation because that song has given me strength over the past 8 months. I was definitely using my logical side when I wrote this letter. I knew that this happened for a reason. It led me to find the right kind of help for me so I can end this horrible thing called PPOCD.

After writing the letter I didn't feel right. This went on for several days, and I was getting really frustrated because of it. I sat down at my desk. I got out my pen and paper and started writing again, and this is what came out. This whole miscarriage thing was stupid and crappy. I'm sad and angry because I should be having a baby next month and I'm not. My due date was October 16th. I also wrote that this sickness is all that I have known for the past 4 years, and that it has been scary for me to have so many good days. These are the last 3 sentences that I wrote down. I am afraid of who I can be. I am afraid of the responsibility. I am afraid to fail.

The next day I had therapy and I was afraid that my therapist was going to get after me for feeling this way. Instead she was jumping out of her seat, throwing her hands up in the air, and screaming YEA! She was excited that I had this insight. I was allowing myself to have feelings and that's a good thing. We talked about how it's okay to have these bad days, but that it doesn't mean that we have to stay stuck in them. So I am climbing out of those bad days last week, and this week will be better. I'll let you know when I see YELLOW!

Oh and I found joy in spending the last couple of days with my husband and children up in the mountains, and today I find joy in being home alone while my husband and children are still up in the mountains :) I love them so much, but it's nice to have some alone time. Have a great Labor Day!