Moody Monday-Wednesday Edition

YELLOW I feel so much better since I quit the anti-anxiety med. The NP increased my Zoloft and the intrusive thoughts have decreased a lot! YAY! I had therapy on Monday and we talked about babies, speaking my mind, and anxious thoughts. I let her know that my goal is to have another baby. I know my family is not complete. I also know that I have time. I need to get some stability under my belt and just enjoy being well. With all my support systems in place I can have a baby and a healthy postpartum experience when the time is right.

My homework assignment is to let people know when they have done something that bothers me. I'm not very good at speaking my mind, and I am super passive aggressive. My dad showed up a hour and a half late to my house on Christmas day and instead of telling him that I wished he would have come when he was supposed to I ignored him the whole time which I'm pretty sure just makes me look like a jerk. This assignment will be hard and I think my husband is worried I'm going to do all my practicing on him:)

As for the anxious thoughts my therapist said we will have this conversation a hundred more times before I am able to train my brain to not automatically go to the anxious thoughts. For instance I am taking my sister to Idaho in a couple of weeks for a college scholarship audition. My first thought is that the plane is going to crash in the snow. Second thought is if the plane doesn't crash then I will crash driving in the snow. Third thought is I don't have any warm clothes because I live in Arizona and it's going to be something like 16 degrees for the high and I am going to freeze my butt off. Instead I should be thinking about what a great experience this will be for both of us and how much fun we are going to have.

Anyways I'm feeling really grateful for my trials and for the lessons I continue to learn from them. I'm a stronger better person because of my experiences, and I'm excited for a new year!
Have a great rest of the week!

MOODY MONDAY

2 green Everyone seems to have recovered from the flu in our house, and we were able to have a wonderful Christmas weekend. I see the NP tomorrow for some medication tweeking. She put me on a new anti-anxiety med the last time I saw her, and I didn't handle it very well. I had an increase in violent pictures playing in my mind, and a strong desire to feel physical pain. People around me could tell that something wasn't right, and I didn't feel like me, so I quit taking it. I'm feeling much better. End of story.

I'm a new aunt again. I just got a new nephew and a niece, with two more on the way. I'm excited for all these new babies, but I'm sad at the same time that it's not me having the baby. I know I'm not ready, but I wonder if I will ever be ready. I wish I could tell the future. What would having a baby do to me? Would the PPOCD come back? The NP talks real positively about me having another baby, but when I bring it up with my therapist she asks me if I would consider adoption. I'm just confused and I shouldn't even be thinking about all this right now, but it's hard when I'm surrounded by it. Anyways enough of that.

I'm looking forward to this week. My husband has the whole week off from work, so I'm excited for some alone time with him. Have a great week and a Happy New Year!

5 purple I still feel blah. Some of my kids now feel blah. Hoping it moves through fast and we are all feeling well for the holidays. Merry Christmas! HO HO HO!

FEELINGS

So I need to get in touch with my feelings. I'm really good at not feeling anything. It's just easier to stay numb than to experience the highs and lows. I associate having feelings with not being in control, and my therapist says that is completely not true. She also said that we are going to have a problem if I can't change the way I think about feelings. It's a personal choice I am going to have to make. Am I going to trust my therapist to guide me out of this hole, or am I going to stay stuck because I am afraid of getting hurt again. My assignment is to stay present and be mindful of what is happening inside and outside of me. I also need to keep a journal where I keep track of my feelings by answering the following questions.

1. What am I feeling?
2. What are the contributing factors to the feeling?
3. On a scale of 1-10 how intense is the feeling?
4. Where in my body is the feeling?
5. What color is the feeling?

For example right now I feel miserable. I haven't felt good for a couple of days. There are a lot of things that I should be doing, but instead I have been laying in bed all day. I give it a 7 on intensity. I feel it in my back and the color is brown.

Well that one was easy. It's not hard to know how you feel when you are sick. I have a feeling this will be one of my harder assignments. Especially since most of the time I don't know what I'm feeling. Wish me luck.

MOODY MONDAY

3 Aqua A few things are on my mind. I want to be well. I don't want to be on meds. I want to have a baby. I've been on this ride before and it ended in a train wreck. I know I need more time. I love this talk given by one of my church leaders. It has taught me to slow down and focus on what matters most. I love what he says about tree rings and turbulence. I know that right now what matters most is that I allow myself the time I need to get well. Last year I didn't give myself enough time to completely get better. I'm looking forward to the new year and what it will bring as I continue to learn, grow, and heal. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2 GREEN This wont be long. It's my daughters birthday today and I'm busy getting ready for the party tonight. I can't believe she is 5 years old already. I feel like I missed out on a lot over the past 5 years. I was here physically, but mentally I was somewhere else. I'm still trying to get over the guilt of feeling like a bad mom. I know that I'm being too hard on myself given what was happening to me at the time. I'm happy to say that I am in a better place now. I'm more present with my children. I enjoy doing things with them. Sometimes my kids talk too much and it's real easy for me to checkout and not really pay attention to what they're saying, so I'm working on focusing on what is being said and validating their thoughts and feelings, and I can tell that they notice a difference in me when I do that. It feels good to be a mom:) Gotta go. Have a great day!

I SURVIVED

So last night I ended up at the Target pharmacy with 5 prescriptions in hand. One for me, 2 for my daughter, and 2 for my son. My daughter had a dr. app. yesterday because for the past 3 weeks she has had some nasty stuff growing in 2 of her fingernails. Turns out it is a staph infection. Fabulous! :( I decided that I was gonna be supermom and take all 3 kids to the app. While we are there my son's asthma decides to flare up. While the dr. is looking at my daughter's fingernails he is asking if I would like him to look at my son. He said you would have to wait for me to finish up with the rest of my patients. I decided that it would probably be best for my son to get checked out even though I dreaded the wait. I am proud to say that I survived being with all 3 of my children in an 8x8 room for 3 hours. We read stories, played I-spy, and got lots of drinks. My favorite part was when my 5 year old ran out into the hall and yelled what is taking you people so long! I scolded him for being so rude, but inside I was wondering the same thing! Anyways I think yesterday was a big step for me. I didn't let anxiety take over. I interacted with my children. We did things to stay busy, and the whole experience ended up not being too bad. Have a great day!