My Steps to Recovery: See, Believe, Feel, Heal

I'm a visual person. Printed word speaks to me and helps me get in touch with what I'm feeling. I tend to numb everything to get through difficult stuff. I put this collage together when I was in the throes of PPOCD. Lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It took awhile but I'm better now.

I consider myself recovered for about a good year, but I think you almost need to recover from recovering. I call this one my vision board. It is framed and hangs on my bedroom wall where I can see it all the time. It keeps me grounded in the things that were able to help me get to a better place. I know I can look at this anytime I'm feeling anxious or depressed and it will direct me back to the knowledge that I have that I am capable of conquering anything.

You are not alone. This isn't your fault. You will get better.

• If you need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

•  If you are looking for local pregnancy or postpartum support and resources in your area, please call or email us:

Postpartum Support International Warmline (English & Spanish)
1-800-944-4PPD (4773)
support@postpartum.ne

I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH!!!

Checking In

I am doing good. I did have to increase my meds due to extra stress and physical pain. Hopefully as the stress subsides so will the pain, and then I can go back down. Therapy is going well. We don't talk very much about sex, but it is fascinating how everything we do talk about ties right back into intimacy. I am seeing lots of improvement in myself and our relationship. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my girlies at Time Out For Women. Then on Monday Rob and I are both speaking at a training about our experience with PPOCD. I'm looking forward to hearing his side of the story. I don't think I would have been strong enough to hear it 6 months ago. Anyways that's my update. Have a great weekend!

Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love, Get Down Tonight

We had our first session together with Dr. Gold Thursday morning. It went so well we were back in her office Friday morning. Rob and I are fighting for an emotional connection. We love each other so much that neither one of us wants to say or do anything that could possibly hurt one another. That has prevented us from really being able to feel close to each other. In the past when we have had to have a serious conversation we have learned that it isn't safe to share our feelings with each other because it only causes the other person pain. We basically don't know how to talk to each other. This book is going to teach us how to do that.

It doesn't really matter what you are talking about. It's how you talk about it. Having a conversation is like dancing. For Rob and I we barely get one step in and the dance is over. So after our session on Thursday we attempted to have a conversation and it blew up in our face, and we were like this is why we don't talk to each other. We both wanted to give up. Long story short we are not giving up. We talked more Thursday night about how we feel stuck and now what do we do. We had intimate relations at 3 in the morning as a way for me to show Rob that I am not going to shut down like I would have in the past, and that I am in this 100%. We were back in Dr. Gold's office Friday morning ready to try again. She helped walk us through the conversation we were trying to have the day before and I think made a lot of things clearer to us as to how to communicate more effectively. We left feeling so much better. Yay!

Back to School

I was not expecting a reaction this morning sending the kids off for their first day of school. I am anxious and feeling really alone :(

Yellow Yellow Yellow

 We just got home from a week long vacation. We had an amazing time. We went to Oregon to visit my grandparents, and then we drove down the coast through Eureka California where I lived for the first 5 years of my life. It's funny how I miss everything about this area even though I was barely old enough to remember most of it. It just brought me great joy to be there again. The Redwoods are awesomely beautiful!

 

Things are going really good with the new therapist. The last time I went we started EMDR. One of the first parts of EMDR is creating a safe place in your mind where you can go when you start to feel like you are going to freak out. I tried EMDR with the last therapist but I wasn't able to ever really find my safe place so we never continued on with EMDR. I hear EMDR can be stressful because you revisit the unpleasant things that have happened in your life so it's important to have a safe place. When my son went to therapy for the trauma he had associated with the break in he did EMDR and it worked for him. I had to really create my own place that felt safe to me. I started with just being in the mountains surrounded by pine trees and the sounds and smells that go along with being there. Then my therapist had me put on some headphones and hold these little buzzers one in each hand. I would hear a tone in my ear and feel a buzz in my hand. Left side then right. It would go back and forth. I was in charge of the speed and volume. My therapist talked while this was going on. She talked about my safe place. My job was to focus and just try to be in my safe place. After a few minutes she would turn off the noise and buzzing and we would talk about what thoughts and feelings were popping into my mind. My safe place would change a little with each little session until I truly felt safe. It has evolved even more since then. Because I am so visual and I like to be creative I made a collage of my safe place. It's a combination of a lot of things. This place only exists in my head and no one else can be there without my permission. Anyways I don't quite know how to describe EMDR or how it works and you are probably thinking it sounds like a bunch of voodoo, so google it if you want more information.

And since I am working on my sexuality I thought I'd share a couple of sites that have been helpful for me. Growing up LDS you are taught that sex is a sacred beautiful thing that is reserved for after marriage. You go from no no no to yes yes yes. No one ever tells you about the yes part. Ya there are some LDS books on intimacy you can read but those are all pretty bland and didn't answer my questions. Over the last couple of months I came across a couple of blogs written by LDS therapists. ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com and patheos.com. On the patheos website search for mormon therapist and all of her posts will come up. If you have questions about sex and you are like me and you don't want to actually have to talk to someone about it these are a couple of great sites to go to.

What I've Really Been Up To

So something I didn't tell you about my new therapist is that she also specializes in sex therapy, and that is why I am seeing her. Out of respect for me, my husband, and our marriage I'm not going to go into details on here. About 9 years ago my OB/GYN suggested that I see a sex therapist, and I was like no way! Because this is how I kinda pictured what a sex therapist would be.

Meet Ina "Laughing" Winds

A little too much for me! Years went by. Had two more babies. Depression, anxiety, PPOCD, blah, blah, blah, and blah. Sex therapy was the last thing on my mind. Well over the last several months it has been on my mind so I brought it up with my PPD therapist and she said go for it. It is time to deal with these other issues. So I started searching on line for someone who would be a good fit for me, and I think I've found her.

Meet Dr. Lisa Gold

She is 2 miles down the road from where I live, and we have the same beliefs. We have only met once so far, but I totally feel like she understands where I am coming from. Everything she said made so much sense, and she is confident that she can help us.

So there you have it. I'm not going to be seeing the PPD therapist anymore unless I absolutely have to. She says it gets too messy seeing 2 therapists at the same time, and that there really isn't a whole lot more work for her to do with me anyways. I'm proud of the progress I have made over the last 2 years. I am in a place where I can finally say that I feel like I have recovered from PPOCD. I didn't think that would ever happen.  I will continue to go to the PPD support group to give support to other mom's, and I love volunteering for the warmline. Educating others on Perinatal Mood Disorders will always be my passion!

Have a great week!