I'm Going to Be Okay

Two months ago my therapist asked me how it made me feel to know that other women out there have experienced the same thing that I have been through and that I will get better. I told her that I didn't really care and to just make it go away. She then pointed to the magic wand on her shelf that guess what..... isn't really magic. She can't just wave the wand and make it go away. I need to own what I have been through and take responsibility for my recovery. I can't place that on anybody but myself.

Today I watched this video by Katherine Stone over at PostpartumProgress. Today I care. Today I find comfort in knowing that other women know what it is like to have PPOCD. Today I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I find joy in a lazy summer morning laying around in our pj's. Or if you're my 5 year old you run around in your undies. I love that boy so much I could eat him for lunch! Have a great day!

I'M BACK . . . . . .

Sorry that it has been a year. I'm going to try and make this long story short and spare you all the details. Last May I decided that I was going to go off my meds because I felt good and thought that it would be a good time to have a baby. Now I know that you shouldn't just stop taking your meds, so I talked to my doctor and he gave me the green light, so I blame him. Just kidding, but really I shouldn't have stopped taking them. It was too soon.

Two months after I quit taking the meds I started to feel funny. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I had bad headaches, and my mood was going down hill. I was afraid to be alone with my kids again. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't care. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. I continued to try to get pregnant while pushing through all the muck.

After seven months of trying to get pregnant and five months of muck I went back to my doctor to figure out what was going on with me. He diagnosed me with PMDD. (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) I thought great another mood disorder to deal with. Is this going to be my life? That was in January. Another funny thing happened in January. I became pregnant! Despite how I had been feeling the previous months I was excited to be having another baby. The symptoms of the PMDD went away and I was feeling good about everything.

Because of my previous miscarriage I wanted to make sure things were going ok, so I went in for an early ultrasound on March 1st. I was seven weeks along. My heart sunk when I didn't see a heart beat. The lady tried to tell me that it was still to early to tell for sure and to not worry, but I knew. On March 10th it was confirmed that I would be losing the baby. Everything came crashing down around me. I knew that it was going to be ugly, but something else happened to me. I had a sense of determination. I wasn't going to let this take me.

I immediately knew that I needed to find a new therapist. Someone who specialized in women issues. Before I even lost the baby I was emailing the Pres. of the AZ Postpartum Wellness Coalition. I found a therapist in my area that specializes in perinatal mood disorders. I had the miscarriage on March 21st. Ten days later I was sitting in the office of my new therapist. Starting from square one.

So what have I learned so far? I now know that what I experienced after I had my daughter four years ago was something called Postpartum OCD. I am a perfect textbook case example of what happens to someone when you let postpartum anything go untreated. For me Postpartum OCD meant high anxiety, and horrible thoughts and images in my mind. There was no way I was going to tell anyone what was happening. I thought that it would go away on its own, but it didn't. I suffered through this for two years before I started looking for help. When I found out that I was going to be having a miscarriage I started having flashbacks from those two years. Only this time the scary images that I would see in my mind were happening outside of me. I would look in the mirror and see it shatter. I would see cuts on my arm. I would see holes punched in the walls. I would look at my children's faces and see bruises. I knew that what I was seeing wasn't really there, but it was still terrifying. I got back on the meds right away and thankfully those kinds of things have stopped.

I'm sad that it has been four years. I'm sad that I suffered in silence for two freaking years. I'm sad that I spent the past year and a half in therapy that wasn't working for me. I'm sad for how this affects my family. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to get better, and I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not going to hide behind this anymore. I like what they are doing over at PostpartumProgress.com. They are talking about it and raising awareness about perinatal mood disorders. Women everyday are coming out on their blogs and sharing their experiences. I want to tell my story. I want to help other women. I'm a visual person and I see my mental health in colors. Ten being the worst is black, and one being the best is yellow. I'm at a six right now and that is the color brown. My therapist said when I'm yellow then I can help. Clearly the point I will be making is to not wait to get help. It's not worth it!

I've been looking over my previous posts. All five of them. I know. I'm quite the blogger. Anyways back to the point I was going to make. Those five posts were too pretty. I didn't do justice to Postpartum OCD and the things that I experienced. I was still hiding back then. I thought about changing the name of my blog to PPOCDisCRAP or WATCHwhereYOUstep, but I've decided to leave it. FINDjoyTODAY. It is still important for me to acknowledge the things in my life that bring me joy. It helps me see through the muck. Today it was racing my daughter down the hall and having a little dance party with her.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I'm done with this post. It wasn't exactly short, and there was probably to many details. Oh well. FIND JOY TODAY! I'm going to hit the publish post button now.

Door #1 or Door #2

Two weeks ago I came here with one of my best friends and thousands of other woman. For my birthday/mother's day gift I got to leave my family for 4 days and go up to BYU for Women's Conference. For two full days I attended spiritually uplifting classes. We raced like mad women from class to class to make sure we could get in. The rooms filled up quickly, and while I'm sure all the classes were excellent. I didn't want to end up in a class about taking care of your elderly parents, or adjusting to life as an empty nester.

My favorite class was titled "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" (Philippians 4:11) I love that! This is my new favorite scripture. A young mother of one child who lost her husband to cancer three years ago was one of the speakers for this class. I watched her as she sat on stage before the class started, and tears were filling my eyes. I could sense and feel a tremendous amount of love and peace that was being poured down upon her from a loving Heavenly Father as she prepared to tell us her story.

She taught me that in life there are two doors we can choose from. The first door has the word WHY on it. This door is very easy to open and once we are inside, it is hard to get out. We constantly ask why we have to go through such hard trials. I know I have done a lot of this.

The second door has the word WHAT on it. This door is harder to open, but once we are inside we allow ourselves to become submissive to Heavenly Father. We ask what can I do to be better? What am I supposed to learn from my trials? We allow Heavenly Father to teach us and show us the way. I feel like I almost have this door open.

The other day my daughter was trying to open the door to our business and the door got too heavy for her to completely open and it closed on her arm. I quickly ran over and opened the door for her and she was fine. I thought of door #2 as I freed my daughters arm from this heavy door. I feel like I am caught in the doorway of what, and I wish sometimes that someone would just open the door the rest of the way for me. I know that I have to figure it out for myself. I also know that I need to work on having more trust and faith in Heavenly Father.

The other 2 days that I was in Utah were spent visiting with family members who live there and lots of SHOPPING! I bought this yellow flower box and lots of other fantastic things for my bedroom. It was crazy how much joy I felt by just looking at these fresh tulips. They have since died, but I will continue to have fresh flowers in my bedroom. You should try having fresh flowers in your bedroom. It improved many things in my bedroom. If you know what I mean.

Anyways now I'm just being silly. My grandma reads this blog. Have I no decency! Thanks for checking in. Sorry I'm not a very good blogger.

Be Still

"Be Still"

Hillary Weeks

Another day, I'll try again.

But can You tell me will the hurting ever end?

I've been taught, and I believe,

But its been awhile since I've been on my knees.

But I need You by my side.

I don't have the strength to make it on my own.

And Lord do you hear my prayer?

How soon will You answer me?

I know you're weary.

I know you've had all you can bear,

And now you ask of me on bended knee,

I promise I'll be there.

I've watched you struggle,

And yet I can see how much you've grown.

Child could you feel my power in your darkest hour?

You were not alone.

Be still and know that I am God.

I'm by your side,

Whom shall you fear?

I'll give you strength.

My child, I am here!

Be still and know that I am God,

And there's no prayer that I don't hear.

Lift up your head my child.

I am here.

Right now I am finding joy in my faith. Faith in my Savior Jesus Christ. Faith in the plan that is for me. This past week I have really tried to pray and ponder the scriptures every day, and to know who I really am. My stake patriarch came to our house last Sunday night at my request, and visited with me and my husband. I wanted to learn from him and feel of the tremendous spirit that he brings. He has so much knowledge and I was spiritually fed that night.

He encouraged me to look in the mirror, and to really try to make a connection with my spirit. If we can truly understand the spirit that is ours, and where we come from, we can get through the trials in our life. The next morning I put my kids in front of the tv and locked myself in the closet. I listened to this song "Be Still" on repeat while I stared at myself in the mirror for a good 15 minutes. It was an awesome experience. You should try it.

The further I get out of this trial of PPD the more I can see that I never was alone. I sure felt alone while I was there, but now I can see that the Lord was by my side the whole time. I know that Heavenly Angels surrounded me and protected me and my family from harm.

I know we have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that Jesus Christ died for me, and that he understands all the pain and sorrow that I have felt in my life. I don't know why some trials have to be so hard, but I know that each trial I overcome I come away better and stronger for it. So bring it on. Not really. I could use a little break.

My Second Born

I find so much joy in this kid. I was able to take him to his short stuff sports class this past Saturday. When he woke up that morning he said I want to wear my muscle shirt and headband to sports. He got some funny looks from others but I thought he was absolutely adorable. I loved how the headband squished his eyes. I have a special connection with this one. He is definitely a mommas boy. At the same time he tries my patience every second of the day and makes me question my ability to be a "good" mom. My therapist would ask what makes a mom "good", and I would say all the things that I am not. So really I need to focus on all the things that I am. I need to soak up the moments like short stuff sports and squishy little eyes. Because at the end of the day when my son gives me one of his GIANT smiles, a BIG hug, and tells me he loves me, I know deep down inside that I'm doing the best that I can.

It's just a PENGUIN

So December was a super busy month for me, as I'm sure it was for all of you. In all the hustle and bustle it was hard for me to take the time to feel the joy. I know that I had many wonderful experiences this past month. I was just so stinking busy doing this and that. Going here and there. That I didn't let the joy sink in, but I would like to share one experience.

Who knew that you could find joy at 3:30 AM being a mom. Not me. I woke up to my 7 year old son standing at the side of our bed. When he knew that we had seen him he scurried out of the room. My husband turned to me and said that our son had been up for the past hour, and that he didn't know what else he could do for him. They had gotten a drink. Gone to the bathroom. Said a prayer that the bad dreams would stop, and nothing brought comfort to our son. Now I rarely get up during the night because if I do it takes me a long time to fall back asleep, but I knew it was my turn. My husband had already been up for a hour and he deserves to sleep too.

I put my son back in bed and stroked his forehead and told him to relax and that he was going to be just fine and there are no such things as monsters and on and on. Not once did he even blink his eyes. He just kept telling me over and over again how scared he was. He sat up in bed and said mom I know that monsters are not real, but when I see the monster it's scary and it's real to me. When he said those words I immediately knew how I was going to help him.

I remembered saying almost the exact same words in one of my sessions. I was talking to my therapist about the scary thoughts and images that bothered me so much, and he said let's do an experiment. He said I am going to time you for one minute. Think about whatever you want, but whatever you do don't think about a penguin.

Go.

So of course right away I saw a big fat penguin looking at me, and at first I got really irritated that this penguin wouldn't go away, so I closed my eyes and just tried to relax. The penguin went in and out of my thoughts and I didn't let it bother me.

Times up.

The therapist thought that it was interesting that I closed my eyes, and wanted to know what happened when I did that. I said it helped me to relax and think about other things. Sometimes the penguin was there and sometimes it wasn't. No big deal. The therapist said that I was his first patient ever to learn what I was supposed to without having to do the second part of the experiment. Which is to think about whatever you want for a minute and it's okay if you think about a penguin. I didn't have to do that part because I already got it.

I started crying and he asked what the tears were about. I said this is what I have been doing for the past 2 years. I have taught myself how to relax through all this fear and anxiety and it's not working. I want it to go away. It's so scary to me. So then I was shown a clip from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The scene was called Boggart in the wardrobe. It showed me how to change my fears in to something ridiculous. I knew that I needed to teach my son the same thing.

So I said to my son. What would happen if we gave your monster a baby bottle and put a party hat on his head. My son busted up laughing. He knew exactly what he was supposed to do. Let me try mom. He stuck both pointer fingers into his ears, shut his eyes, and said an elephant wearing sneakers. That was followed with lots of giggling. He said okay mom you can go. I'll let you know how it goes in the morning.

I then laid in bed awake for the next 2 hours like I knew that I would, but it was all worth it. I thought about a lot of things in those 2 hours, but mainly I was feeling joy in being a mom. I was able to teach my son something that will help him through out his life. Something that I had only just begun to understand. Everything I do. Everything I go through. It's all worth it. For moments like these. Have a great day! Don't worry about the penguin. It's just a penguin.

My Journey

I have been impressed by other women out there in the blogging world who have been willing to put it all out there so that I can learn from their experiences. Thank you. I'm feeling like I need to do the same for myself and for others out there who maybe are experiencing similar trials. I have struggled with depression off and on for the past14 years. I have had to deal with the divorce and infidelity of both of my parents. My parents no longer hold onto the very values that they taught me to believe in. My parents have chosen lifestyles that have kept them from caring for their childrens spiritual, emotional, and physical needs on a daily basis, so I am raising my teenage brother and sister. I don't know if my parents will come across this blog or not, but if they do I want them to know that I do love them very much, but I do not approve of the things that they do.

I have a fabulous husband who has been there for me every step of the way since I first met him at my 16th birthday party. I have 3 beautiful children who bring me so much joy. At the same time I feel so overwhelmed with raising these special spirits. I had my last 2 kids less than a year apart and it was very hard to take care of 2 babies, but things were going well.

About 8 months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a whole new level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I knew right away that it must be post-partum depression. I completely shut down inside. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.

Then just a couple of months later at the beginning of this year I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just came from.

I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through this alone again. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I needed to go on medication again. I know it makes him sad. Like he isn't good enough to make me happy. I hope he doesn't feel that way. I have the greatest husband in the world. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better.

I called up a therapist that I knew of to schedule an appointment and the conversation went like this.

Therapist:When would you like to come in?

Me:As soon as you can see me.

Therapist:This might be too soon, but my 5:15 just canceled. Can you be here in 45 minutes?

So after holding on to all this fear and anxiety for two years I had 45 minutes to prepare myself to spill my guts. I got off the phone and started bawling, said a prayer, pulled myself together, and was out the door. That first session is kind of hard because you spend most of the time spilling your guts and then it's time to go. I'm like wait fix me. What am I suppposed to do? I have had several sessions since then. Some have been really good and helpful, and other times I feel so shut down inside that I don't know what to say or where I want the session to go and I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time.

I've been surprised that all the ugly stuff that brought me so much stress has been the easiest to overcome. I think the hardest thing for me is going to be changing my self image, and breaking down the extremely tall wall around me so that I can reach out to others and allow others to reach back to me. My therapist referenced Pres. Monson's talk about finding joy in the journey from this past General Conference and encouraged me to find joy in my life. There are mornings when I lay in bed not wanting to get up and I wonder how I will possibly find joy, and then I think that it doesn't say stay in bed and wait for joy to fall upon you. It says GET UP AND FIND JOY!

So here I am with this blog. I'm not sure what to expect from doing this. I guess I would hope to help others out there who also feel like they are all alone, but I think my main goal is to show myself that I can feel joy in my life. I don't want this blog to be depressing. I know it wont always be pretty, but I promise to find joy in something with every post. If you are still reading thanks for sticking with me. I will close out this post with something from Pres. Monson. "My sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey." FIND JOY IN YOUR JOURNEY! Oh and today I found joy in the rain. I also found joy in chasing my little ones around the house and then pretending to eat them once I caught them. YUMMY!