YELLOW! I feel great today! Our foreign exchange student arrived last night. My initial anxiety over a stranger in our home for three weeks has gone away. She is very nice and I think we are going to have a lot of fun.
My mom came over on Saturday and helped us get the house clean and ready for our guest. Thanks mom! My mom let me know that she has read my blog. We had a good conversation. She apologized for being a source of some of my pain. I let her know that I had forgiven her, but that sometimes I have bad days where I'm sad over the situation. So is that forgiveness? I guess that's between me and God. I like what my friend Brooke said about forgiveness. She said forgiveness is love, and I truly love my mom. I can't say the same for my dad, so I have some work to do. If you would like to give me your thoughts on forgiveness just leave me a comment. I'm turning in my paper this Thursday.
Have a great week!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I'm a Survivor
My name is Julie and I’m a survivor of postpartum ocd. I have three children ages 9, 6, and 5. I have also been raising my brother and sister over the past 6 years. Despite a lot of family drama going on during my first two pregnancies my postpartum experience with my two boys was a great time for me. I think it is important to know that when my second son was just three months old I became pregnant with my daughter. I believe this played a big part in my getting postpartum ocd. My hormones never had a chance to settle down and when they finally did it was devastating. About eight months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I had horrible thoughts involving myself and my children. I would see pictures and video clips of these thoughts in my mind. I completely shut down inside. I felt so much shame. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.
Then just a couple of months later I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just come from.
I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through it alone this time. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I had kept this secret from him for almost two years. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better. I ended up calling the first therapist that I could think of. I was with this therapist for a year and a half knowing that I probably wasn’t getting the right kind of care. We never discussed perinatal mood disorders. The term postpartum ocd was never mentioned. I still felt very much alone. I didn’t understand why the horrible thoughts and images wouldn’t go away.
Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling well I decided that it was time to have a baby. Probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and so just over a year ago I got pregnant. I was excited this time around. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. When I was seven weeks along I found out that the pregnancy was not viable and that I would be losing the baby. My life came crashing down around me. This was a very scary time for me. The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body. I knew that what I was seeing was not really there, but I was still terrified. I immediately got back on medication. I also knew that I needed to find a new therapist who specialized in women’s issues.
A friend told me about the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and I contacted Dr. Hibbert through email to see if there was someone that she would recommend for me. Exactly one year ago today I found myself in the office of my new therapist starting at square one. It was a relief to finally talk to someone who knew about what I was going through. It was nice to have a diagnosis. I was able to research postpartum ocd and read about other women’s experiences, and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
It has been helpful for me to understand that I’m not the only one who has had intrusive thoughts. You know they talk about the baby blues when you leave the hospital and the Dr. asks how you are feeling at the 6 week checkup but no one ever explained intrusive thoughts to me. I literally thought that I was going insane. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me. It’s important that we raise awareness about these issues so that women can better understand the postpartum period and not be afraid to get help when they need it.
I’ve come a long way in the last year. Before there was such a disconnect between me and my children. Because of the thoughts and images I was afraid to be their mother, and a lot of the responsibility fell on my husband and my sister. I don’t live in fear anymore. I’m learning to feel connected to my children. I’m learning to find joy in motherhood. I’m learning to be at peace with who I am.
A great opportunity that I have had is to be a warmline volunteer. Every Tuesday I get to respond to calls from other women who are concerned that they are experiencing a perinatal mood disorder. It has been healing for me to be able to talk to others, and to give them the resources that they need so that they can get the right kind of care. I’m glad that I get to share my story. I want other women to know that they are not alone, and that they don’t need to suffer in silence like I did. I feel that if I’m able to help just one person than my suffering will have had a purpose.
Then just a couple of months later I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just come from.
I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through it alone this time. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I had kept this secret from him for almost two years. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better. I ended up calling the first therapist that I could think of. I was with this therapist for a year and a half knowing that I probably wasn’t getting the right kind of care. We never discussed perinatal mood disorders. The term postpartum ocd was never mentioned. I still felt very much alone. I didn’t understand why the horrible thoughts and images wouldn’t go away.
Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling well I decided that it was time to have a baby. Probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and so just over a year ago I got pregnant. I was excited this time around. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. When I was seven weeks along I found out that the pregnancy was not viable and that I would be losing the baby. My life came crashing down around me. This was a very scary time for me. The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body. I knew that what I was seeing was not really there, but I was still terrified. I immediately got back on medication. I also knew that I needed to find a new therapist who specialized in women’s issues.
A friend told me about the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and I contacted Dr. Hibbert through email to see if there was someone that she would recommend for me. Exactly one year ago today I found myself in the office of my new therapist starting at square one. It was a relief to finally talk to someone who knew about what I was going through. It was nice to have a diagnosis. I was able to research postpartum ocd and read about other women’s experiences, and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
It has been helpful for me to understand that I’m not the only one who has had intrusive thoughts. You know they talk about the baby blues when you leave the hospital and the Dr. asks how you are feeling at the 6 week checkup but no one ever explained intrusive thoughts to me. I literally thought that I was going insane. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me. It’s important that we raise awareness about these issues so that women can better understand the postpartum period and not be afraid to get help when they need it.
I’ve come a long way in the last year. Before there was such a disconnect between me and my children. Because of the thoughts and images I was afraid to be their mother, and a lot of the responsibility fell on my husband and my sister. I don’t live in fear anymore. I’m learning to feel connected to my children. I’m learning to find joy in motherhood. I’m learning to be at peace with who I am.
A great opportunity that I have had is to be a warmline volunteer. Every Tuesday I get to respond to calls from other women who are concerned that they are experiencing a perinatal mood disorder. It has been healing for me to be able to talk to others, and to give them the resources that they need so that they can get the right kind of care. I’m glad that I get to share my story. I want other women to know that they are not alone, and that they don’t need to suffer in silence like I did. I feel that if I’m able to help just one person than my suffering will have had a purpose.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Help Please
I had therapy today and we talked about forgiveness, and now my homework assignment is to write a paper about forgiveness. I'm supposed to get other peoples opinions on the topic. So if you are reading this would you pretty please leave a comment for me. What is your definition of forgiveness? What does it look like to you? How does it feel? Thank you!
Monday, February 28, 2011
MOODY MONDAY
2 Green I'm having a good day. I would probably be yellow if I wasn't feeling guilty about sleeping in again. I don't know what my deal is but ever since my Zoloft was increased it has been hard for me to wake up. I know that it just sounds like an excuse to be lazy, but it's not. I haven't had any problems going down on the Abilify. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I don't want to create something that isn't really there by analyzing every thought or feeling that I have.
It's going to be a busy week. We have a foreign exchange student from Germany coming to live with us for most of March. I feel a lot of anxiety over the fact that we are going to be her American experience. Hopefully we will all have a good time. I'm most worried about how dinner time will go. I already know she won't like my cooking because she is vegetarian. I guess we'll take her to the grocery store and let her get what she wants. She will go to school with Emily during the day, and after Emily graduates Emily will go to Germany for a month and live with her family. I don't think I could be so adventurous. I get nervous driving from Mesa to Phoenix:)
Anyways, have a good week. I'll be busy getting my spring cleaning done early in anticipation of our guest arriving.
It's going to be a busy week. We have a foreign exchange student from Germany coming to live with us for most of March. I feel a lot of anxiety over the fact that we are going to be her American experience. Hopefully we will all have a good time. I'm most worried about how dinner time will go. I already know she won't like my cooking because she is vegetarian. I guess we'll take her to the grocery store and let her get what she wants. She will go to school with Emily during the day, and after Emily graduates Emily will go to Germany for a month and live with her family. I don't think I could be so adventurous. I get nervous driving from Mesa to Phoenix:)
Anyways, have a good week. I'll be busy getting my spring cleaning done early in anticipation of our guest arriving.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Good Visit
So I talked to the NP today and she was perfectly fine letting me come down on my medication. I had to promise to go back up though if the thoughts start coming back. Hopefully I don't have any problems, but if I do I wont let myself get discouraged. Like I said I want to do this the right way so that I can have the best possible chance of a full recovery. Pray for me. Thanks! Have a great day!
Monday, February 21, 2011
MOODY MONDAY
4Pink I'm feeling slightly discouraged. I had therapy on Friday and I told my therapist that I want to start coming down on some of my meds and she kinda flipped out on me. She doesn't think that it would be a very good idea at this point. She said a lot of people go off there meds the second they are feeling better and then they slip back. My response to this is been there done that. I'm glad that I can look back on my blog to see where I have been and learn from past mistakes. The last time I was on medication I came off too soon and wound up with more problems than when I started. My heart is telling me that she is right and that I need to listen to the professionals. My mind is telling me that it has been a year and that I should be able to handle it without the meds now. I want to do it right this time. I see the NP tomorrow and we will be having this discussion. I guess I just want to know that there is a plan and that I have some reasonable goals set for myself.
I also told my therapist how I got sad and was crying over my issues with my mom. I asked if it was okay to still have these sad angry feelings over the situation and her answer was absolutely. She said it's called having feelings. It was kind of a light bulb moment for me. It brought a smile to my face to realize that I had felt something and that I didn't let it get out of control. My therapist thought that it was fantastic!
My homework is to type up my story that I want to share for the survivors panel that I will be on coming up at the end of March. I'll make sure to post it when I'm done. Have a great week!
I also told my therapist how I got sad and was crying over my issues with my mom. I asked if it was okay to still have these sad angry feelings over the situation and her answer was absolutely. She said it's called having feelings. It was kind of a light bulb moment for me. It brought a smile to my face to realize that I had felt something and that I didn't let it get out of control. My therapist thought that it was fantastic!
My homework is to type up my story that I want to share for the survivors panel that I will be on coming up at the end of March. I'll make sure to post it when I'm done. Have a great week!
Monday, February 14, 2011
MOODY MONDAY
HApPy VaLEntiNeS DaY! I feel Yellow today! I don't really have a reason for it. I just feel really happy today despite the fact that half of the family has been sick. I ended up not going to therapy last week. My therapist was sick and had to cancel. By the time I see her this Friday it will have been 24 days since my last appointment. That's the longest I have gone without counseling since I started this journey, and for me to be yellow today is huge I think! I worked on my collage all week and got it done.
I'm happy with how it turned out. It has all the good and the bad that came with PPOCD. I know I will never be the same person, but change is good and I'm a stronger person because of it.
Have a great week!
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