I have a confession to make. I had a lot of anxiety while I typed up my last post. My therapist thought it would be fun to see if I could go 3 weeks without seeing her. I panicked inside when she told me this, but made the appointment for 3 weeks out anyways. She told me I could call her if something came up. I was also thinking about my next homework assignment which is to identify my old behaviors when they come up. Then I need to list what I am trying to avoid or what I am scared of, and then list what I can do differently. One of my old behaviors is hiding in my room when my kids are being naughty. You know, not listening, fighting, being too loud, making messes, that sort of thing. If it's really bad then I hide in my closet. The furthest point I can get away from it all without leaving the house. My therapist gets after me if I go to the closet so I've been pretty good about not going in there. Tell me I'm not the only mom that hides from her kids:) I wondered why I have avoided being a mom when it comes to discipline and what it is I am scared of, and all of a sudden all the intrusive thoughts, images, and video clips that have played in my mind over the past 4 years came into my head. Stupid intrusive thoughts. I cried. It was very quick lasting about 15-20 seconds. I quickly finished up the post. Then I took my sleeping pills to numb my mind and was out in 30 minutes.
The next morning I called my therapist to let her know that 3 weeks was not going to work. I will be seeing her this Friday. We will be talking about intrusive thoughts. Why do I have them? What do they mean? How do they relate to my relationship with my children? And how the heck do I get rid of them!!? It has been long enough! Seriously!!!
Now that that's out of the way lets get to the good news for today. Like the fact that I'm YELLOW! I think that it is great that even though I have these negative experiences I'm not letting them affect my mood. I'm learning to deal with the good and the bad, and to that I say welcome to life!
2 comments:
I was having a very non-yellow day today, worrying about anything and everything. My worries right now are mostly pregnancy related. Will I ever get pregnant again? If I do, will I lose the baby? Stuff that I wish I could get out of my mind.
I ran across a quote that said, "Worry does not change what happens tomorrow, it does not change what happened yesterday, it only takes the joy out of what happens today."
I needed to hear that, as I was moping around...taking the joy out of today. I was missing moments that should've been making me happy.
I think you are doing great and I'm impressed that you are not letting negative thoughts affect your mood. I think that is so difficult & I'm going to work towards that. You are amazing, thanks for sharing this blog!
Just today I locked Sam in his room and lay down in mine. Then when he had to come out to pee pee I went down stairs to hide from him. He was up all night and so was I and I knew I just did not have what it takes to be patient. Better absent than angry - right?!
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