MOODY MONDAY

3 aqua I'm not sure what to talk about today. I'm having a hard time feeling any emotion, good or bad. While the medication I take is doing a good job at keeping away the intrusive thoughts it's also making me numb to feelings. I shouldn't be complaining since I don't like feelings anyways, and I'll take the numbness over the intrusive thoughts any day, but I think that is part of my problem. I need to allow myself to feel. Anytime something crappy has happened in my life I add it to my list of crappy things that have happened to me in my life and I push the feelings that go along with it aside. It's like I'm carrying around this backpack full of bricks and it's keeping me stuck in this cycle of depression. I'm feeling something because now I'm crying. I'm thinking about my mom. How I wish for my mom to hold me and love me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm going to try to be sensitive here because there is a chance that my mom will read this. I know that my mom wished that her mother loved her more. I know that my mom did the best that she could while I was growing up. I know that if my mom reads this she would say the same thing back to me. That she wishes I would love her for who she is and tell her everything is okay, but everything is not okay. Ultimately in the end my mom gave up on her family. She went against everything she raised me to believe in, and it has just made everything so complicated. I'm sad and angry about the whole situation. There I said what I was feeling. I love my mom and appreciate her efforts and all that she does for my family. I just wish things were different. All righty then. I didn't know that was in me today. I usually only think about that stuff around mothers day.

Everything else seems to be fine. My moods are stable. Anything under 5 is great. I'm slowly weaning myself off my nighttime meds. I don't think I need it anymore, and besides I don't like not remembering anything from the night. Like the other night I got a text at 11:30. I woke up and read the text. I talked to my husband about it, and the next morning I didn't remember a thing about it. Kinda freaked me out. Anyways have a great week. I see my therapist in the morning. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh and I find joy in going back to sleep with my husband after he takes the kids to school;)