The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body and I was terrified. I had two of these episodes. I knew that what I was seeing wasn’t really there. The first one happened a few days after I found out that I was going to miscarry. I was standing in the bathroom crying and I looked in the mirror and saw it shatter. I looked down at my arm and saw that it was covered in cuts. I knew that I had to get out of that bathroom. As I walked out of my bedroom and down the hallway I saw holes punched in the wall. I just kept walking. I knew that I would be ok once I was around someone. My second episode happened a few weeks after I miscarried. I was looking at my daughter and her face started to spin and bruises started to appear on her face. I knew that if I kept looking I was going to see a monster. I wasn’t able to look at my children for days after. This time there was no debate. I knew that I needed to go back on medication.
I had about 4 recurring thoughts that caused me great anxiety. I couldn’t bathe the children without thinking that I would drown them. I didn’t like to be in the kitchen because I was afraid that I would hurt me or my children with a knife. While driving I would have the thought to crash the car. The thought that bothered me the most was every time we would get in the car to go somewhere I would have the thought to start the car and not open the garage. All of my thoughts were accompanied by pictures or videos. I would see everything happening in my mind. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me.
I can't believe all that was happening just a year ago. I feel so disconnected from that person. Thank goodness! Today is actually the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I thought that March was going to be a hard month for me, but instead I've only seen the positive and how far I have come. Yea me!
Today I am finding joy in the rain. Love the rain! Have a fabulous week!
3 comments:
I also experienced the knife and car thoughts and feelings. And that is when I too decided to go on medication. I am glad you are willing to share specifics. I think that women tend to think if they hear you had bad thoughts that it could not be as bad as the thoughts they were having. So details are good. Hope you are doing well!
I've thought about you a LOT this month, knowing that it has been 1 year since the miscarriage & I'm so glad to hear that it has been a positive month versus a hard one. You have come so far in the past year & I hope you know how much love and support you have!!!
I agree with Staci. You've come so far. You are amazing. I am glad that you're doing well, especially this month. Thank you for the hope you give to any others that may be suffering, and showing them that they can get help.
Post a Comment