MOODY MONDAY

HApPy VaLEntiNeS DaY! I feel Yellow today! I don't really have a reason for it. I just feel really happy today despite the fact that half of the family has been sick. I ended up not going to therapy last week. My therapist was sick and had to cancel. By the time I see her this Friday it will have been 24 days since my last appointment. That's the longest I have gone without counseling since I started this journey, and for me to be yellow today is huge I think! I worked on my collage all week and got it done.

I'm happy with how it turned out. It has all the good and the bad that came with PPOCD. I know I will never be the same person, but change is good and I'm a stronger person because of it.

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

3 aqua I'm not sure what to talk about today. I'm having a hard time feeling any emotion, good or bad. While the medication I take is doing a good job at keeping away the intrusive thoughts it's also making me numb to feelings. I shouldn't be complaining since I don't like feelings anyways, and I'll take the numbness over the intrusive thoughts any day, but I think that is part of my problem. I need to allow myself to feel. Anytime something crappy has happened in my life I add it to my list of crappy things that have happened to me in my life and I push the feelings that go along with it aside. It's like I'm carrying around this backpack full of bricks and it's keeping me stuck in this cycle of depression. I'm feeling something because now I'm crying. I'm thinking about my mom. How I wish for my mom to hold me and love me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm going to try to be sensitive here because there is a chance that my mom will read this. I know that my mom wished that her mother loved her more. I know that my mom did the best that she could while I was growing up. I know that if my mom reads this she would say the same thing back to me. That she wishes I would love her for who she is and tell her everything is okay, but everything is not okay. Ultimately in the end my mom gave up on her family. She went against everything she raised me to believe in, and it has just made everything so complicated. I'm sad and angry about the whole situation. There I said what I was feeling. I love my mom and appreciate her efforts and all that she does for my family. I just wish things were different. All righty then. I didn't know that was in me today. I usually only think about that stuff around mothers day.

Everything else seems to be fine. My moods are stable. Anything under 5 is great. I'm slowly weaning myself off my nighttime meds. I don't think I need it anymore, and besides I don't like not remembering anything from the night. Like the other night I got a text at 11:30. I woke up and read the text. I talked to my husband about it, and the next morning I didn't remember a thing about it. Kinda freaked me out. Anyways have a great week. I see my therapist in the morning. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh and I find joy in going back to sleep with my husband after he takes the kids to school;)

CUTE SQUISHY BABY

I took the advice of my SIL and stole this pic off her blog to put on mine. Here I am getting some
baby love from my sweet niece Reese. She is only 5 weeks old and she is already smiling up a storm. Like I said I'm happy where I'm at. It's nice to hold these sweet babies and then give them back to their parents. Three more babies on the way. A nephew, and 2 unknown. I can't wait!

MOODY MONDAY

2 green I'm a survivor! There is a 2 day training on perinatal mood disorders coming up at the end of March, and I am going to be on the survivors panel. I get to tell my story! I also get to attend the training as a student because I am a warmline volunteer. I'm excited for the things that I will learn that will help me to better help the moms that are calling in to the warmline.

Everything seems to be going well. I forgot to take my meds twice last week. My theory is I have been feeling so much better that taking medication just doesn't even cross my mind some days. Either way I know that messing with my brain chemistry isn't the brightest thing to be doing right now, so I am trying to remember to take my pills first thing in the morning after breakfast. You'd think it would be habit by now:)

This last week I found joy in holding cute little squishy babies. I really do feel at peace with where I am at. My time will come. For now I need to just enjoy the peace, and work on being the best possible mom I can be to my 3 children who I love so much! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY-Wednesday Edition

Sheesh! I've been slacking on Mondays. I got home from my trip to Idaho Monday afternoon and Moody Monday never even crossed my mind. I'm at a 4 pink today. I'm feeling some guilt over all the time off that I've had from my family, and just trying to get back into being the mom. I had a great time in Idaho with Emily! I definitely didn't need to get all worked up about the weather and driving in the snow. Eleven degree weather wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Emily did great on her audition, and now we are just waiting to see what kind of scholarships she can get. Thank you babe for taking care of the kids so we could go on this trip.

I went to the PPD support group yesterday, and we did art therapy. We were asked to bring pictures of us before our postpartum struggles and after postpartum set in. We used our pictures to make a collage. Through drawing we were to try and express how we were feeling during these different times in our lives. This was the picture that I used when I drew how I was feeling after the PPOCD set in.

This picture was taken about 3 months after it all started.I felt a lot of anxiety as I worked around this picture. I drew a black jagged edge filled in with the color red around the picture. I felt like I was turning into a monster back then. Every image that played in my mind was black and red. Almost demon like. I can't begin to describe the terror that I felt. When I look into my eyes in this picture I see a lot of pain and fear. I have come so far and am feeling so much better, but when I think about this time in my life I get extremely anxious. I'm hoping that through doing the EMDR we will be able to make this time seem not quite so bad.

This is another picture that I used to show a time when I felt like I was really happy. I was pregnant with my daughter in this picture. There is a year and four month difference between this picture and the other one. I can see the difference in my eyes. I was loving my baby boy while cooking my baby girl and I couldn't have been happier. I drew yellow squiggly lines around this picture. Yellow because you know why, and squiggly lines because it was a little crazy taking care of a baby while trying to take care of my pregnant needs.

This last picture is just of the collage itself. It's not done. We are going to continue to add to it. The first picture on there is of me and my husband. I was 3 months pregnant with our first son. While this was a happy time too I was puking my brains out 5 times a day and didn't feel the need to show you a close up of it :)

Anyways I need to go pick up my boys from school. I hope you are having a great week. See ya on Monday or whatever day it is ;)

MOODY MONDAY-WEDNESDAY EDITION

I'm at a 2 GREEN today. I've been feeling pretty good. The intrusive thoughts are still decreasing. I've gone entire days without having one, and it feels awesome! Yay for Zoloft! I had therapy yesterday and we started a process called EMDR. You can read more about it at http://www.emdr.com/.


I had a great weekend! I went to LA with 22 other women from my husbands side of the family. We had so much fun! We went to a taping of Minute to Win It and we got to take a picture with the host of the show. The rest of the time I spent relaxing in the hotel and shopping the LA Fashion District. I found 4 purses that I just had to have:)







Anyways, now it's time for me to pack my bags for Idaho. I'm still a little nervous about this trip, but it should be fun. I'm excited to spend some time with just me and my little sister. I'm gonna miss her when she is gone:( I don't know if I have talked about this before, but I believe my sister was given to me for a reason. When I was in the depths of PPOCD she was there to pick up the pieces. When I felt like I couldn't do the mom thing anymore she was there to play with the kids and keep them happy. It was always such a relief when Emily would come home from school. It meant that I had made it through another day without doing something stupid. And by stupid I mean hurting my children. It was always my greatest fear that I was going to harm my own children. Now I know that I never was going to, but when I was having the thoughts, pictures, and video clips playing over and over in my head I wasn't so sure. I didn't know what was happening to me and I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I'm so thankful for how far I have come and for the support of my family. I couldn't be doing it without them. Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

3 aqua I don't have much on my mind today. I've been really tired, which leads to feeling lazy, which turns into thinking that I am a bad wife/mother. So I am fighting the negative thoughts today.

My 9 year old had some interesting thoughts yesterday. He is wondering if I am past the point of being able to have a baby, but he is hopeful that I will have another baby. He says we need a girl to balance things out. He also said that after the baby comes I will need to take medicine to make sure I don't have any more babies because 4 is enough! I'm glad that my children like to be involved in our family planning.

I have some anniversaries coming up. I can't believe that it has been a year since I became pregnant! Time is going by so fast. March will probably be a hard month for me, but I'll deal with it when it gets here. For now I am trying to stay positive and focus on just how far I have come in the last year. Yay me!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!