I'm a Survivor

My name is Julie and I’m a survivor of postpartum ocd. I have three children ages 9, 6, and 5. I have also been raising my brother and sister over the past 6 years. Despite a lot of family drama going on during my first two pregnancies my postpartum experience with my two boys was a great time for me. I think it is important to know that when my second son was just three months old I became pregnant with my daughter. I believe this played a big part in my getting postpartum ocd. My hormones never had a chance to settle down and when they finally did it was devastating. About eight months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I had horrible thoughts involving myself and my children. I would see pictures and video clips of these thoughts in my mind. I completely shut down inside. I felt so much shame. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.

Then just a couple of months later I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just come from.

I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through it alone this time. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I had kept this secret from him for almost two years. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better. I ended up calling the first therapist that I could think of. I was with this therapist for a year and a half knowing that I probably wasn’t getting the right kind of care. We never discussed perinatal mood disorders. The term postpartum ocd was never mentioned. I still felt very much alone. I didn’t understand why the horrible thoughts and images wouldn’t go away.

Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling well I decided that it was time to have a baby. Probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and so just over a year ago I got pregnant. I was excited this time around. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. When I was seven weeks along I found out that the pregnancy was not viable and that I would be losing the baby. My life came crashing down around me. This was a very scary time for me. The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body. I knew that what I was seeing was not really there, but I was still terrified. I immediately got back on medication. I also knew that I needed to find a new therapist who specialized in women’s issues.

A friend told me about the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and I contacted Dr. Hibbert through email to see if there was someone that she would recommend for me. Exactly one year ago today I found myself in the office of my new therapist starting at square one. It was a relief to finally talk to someone who knew about what I was going through. It was nice to have a diagnosis. I was able to research postpartum ocd and read about other women’s experiences, and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

It has been helpful for me to understand that I’m not the only one who has had intrusive thoughts. You know they talk about the baby blues when you leave the hospital and the Dr. asks how you are feeling at the 6 week checkup but no one ever explained intrusive thoughts to me. I literally thought that I was going insane. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me. It’s important that we raise awareness about these issues so that women can better understand the postpartum period and not be afraid to get help when they need it.

I’ve come a long way in the last year. Before there was such a disconnect between me and my children. Because of the thoughts and images I was afraid to be their mother, and a lot of the responsibility fell on my husband and my sister. I don’t live in fear anymore. I’m learning to feel connected to my children. I’m learning to find joy in motherhood. I’m learning to be at peace with who I am.

A great opportunity that I have had is to be a warmline volunteer. Every Tuesday I get to respond to calls from other women who are concerned that they are experiencing a perinatal mood disorder. It has been healing for me to be able to talk to others, and to give them the resources that they need so that they can get the right kind of care. I’m glad that I get to share my story. I want other women to know that they are not alone, and that they don’t need to suffer in silence like I did. I feel that if I’m able to help just one person than my suffering will have had a purpose.