MOODY MONDAY

I saw my therapist this morning. I love how direct she is with me. Today she said that she isn't going to blow sunshine up my butt just to make me feel better. She said we have to deal with reality. Growing up reality was avoided in my house. There was always a big elephant in the room that never got discussed. It's still that way with my family. She pointed out that I have had more anxiety and depression since our last appointment where we talked about the reality of me having another child. I want everything to be unicorns and rainbows, and I don't want to deal with the fear and all the what ifs of having another baby. I have been avoiding my feelings by being tired and wanting to sleep my life away. I have allowed small things that have bothered me turn into big depressing things. Like my weight. I have gained over 25#'s since starting on the meds just over a year ago :( Instead of dealing with it and doing things like exercise, and eating healthier, I've let myself get depressed over it and I've listened to a lot of negative self talk. Blah Blah Blah. I'm tired of getting stuck in these old behavior patterns. It's time for me to really make some changes in my life. I have lots of great plans for myself once school starts up again. For now I will just enjoy having my kids home for the next couple of weeks. Oh and despite the anxiety and depression my mood has been yellow today! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

4 pink I'm feeling mixed emotions around here. Any confidence that I had in my ability to have another child is gone. I have a lot to work on. I'm thankful for my therapist and husband who push and challenge me. I will not just jump off my meds and get pregnant like I did last time. I will take things slow. I will make sure I'm in a good place. I've been doing good, but I need more stability under my belt. I need to make sure I want to have a baby for all the right reasons. I wish I wasn't so anxious and confused. If just the thought of having a baby makes me feel this way, than what would an actual baby do to me? This needs to be a happy choice, and all I feel right now is scared. I need to work on BEING a mom to the kids I already have. I need to set all this baby talk aside for now and just focus on me and my family.

Lots of changes are coming up next month. My sister is moving out :( We are all very sad about this, but hopefully it will be a good change for everyone. Also all of my children will be starting school. I'm going to have a lot of me time. I need to set some goals and have a plan to help me stay busy or else I can tell you right now my moods will not be pretty. Well I need to get off the computer and do some domestic things like dishes and make dinner. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I'll go with yellow! It was a good week. I was supposed to see my therapist this morning with my hubby, but she had to cancel because she is sick. We rescheduled for this Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. I want to talk about babies :)

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't be in therapy forever. As much as my therapist has been a pain in my butt I will miss her. She rescued me from the awful hell I was in, and I will be sad when I no longer get to talk to her on a regular basis. I know that I can always go back and that therapy can be one of my tools, but right now I probably don't need to go as much. I know I should be proud of that, but instead it just scares me. One of my homework assignments is to define my resources. Who can I go to, what can I do when I find myself struggling. My other assignment is to gather my thoughts and write out what I would say to my dad if he were to come to therapy with me. Just the thought of that makes me nauseated, but somehow I've got to figure out that relationship.

Anyways it's late and I need to go to bed. Good Night! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I'm yellow today! Just enjoying the day with my family! Have a Happy Fourth of July!

MOODY MONDAY

Went to the pharmacy today. Eighty-six bucks for thirty pills. I know it could be a lot worse so I wont complain too much. I saw the NP today and she said this is the best that she has seen me. I let her know that I'm getting baby hungry. We will talk again in a couple of months to see where I'm at and possibly work out a plan to start weaning off some of my meds. I'm not going to rush it though. If there's one thing I learned from my last experience with stopping meds to get pregnant it is to take things slooooow.

I'm at a 3 aqua today. I didn't sleep very well last night and it has made for a bit of a rougher day. That and the kids have been naughty lately. Only 44 days till school starts:) Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I got me some baby love last week from this cutie and he melted my heart. I've been pretty content lately with the three kiddos that I have, but this baby reminded me of the desires of my heart. It's not time yet, but one day I know that I will be ready for this. With the help of "my team" I will be able to bring another sweet spirit into this world and our family. I know that I am at high risk for developing another perinatal mood disorder and that it could be worse than before. I also know that this is treatable, and should I find myself back in that hell, I know that I will not be alone. That's the worst part of my whole story. I was alone for so long and it didn't have to be that way. I find comfort in knowing that I have the best family and friends and that there will be many pairs of eyes watching me and making sure that all goes well next time around.

For now though I will continue to focus on my recovery which has been going quite well. Hello Yellow! Summer is flying by! I'm finding joy in spending time with my kids, and I won't lie. It helps that they go to summer camp four days a week for four hours a day :) Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

So just over a month ago I drove around in my car for about 20 minutes not realizing that my sunglasses looked liked this, and I just knew that there was some sort of lesson I could learn from this silliness. When I first put on the glasses I was in my dark garage getting ready to back out. Something seemed kinda funny but I wasn't able to tell what it was. Even when the sunlight was hitting me in the face I wasn't able to tell that one of the lenses was missing. It wasn't until my daughter said Mom somethings wrong with your glasses that I took them off and realized that the lense was gone. I couldn't believe that I had driven around for that long looking like that, and that I wasn't able to see with my own eyes what was going on. It took someone on the outside to help me figure it out.

I would like to relate this to my depression and anxiety. First of all I can't believe I have been living like this for the past five years not being able to see all the good that is around me. I know that I have a great life, but with the darkness of depression it was hard for me to really even care about my life or the people in it. I didn't see all the good that was right in front of my face. Then there is the anxiety which makes everything appear to be something it's not. I hate anxiety! It's amazing what anxiety can do to you physically and mentally. I'm learning to control it. My husband is learning how to help me with it. By the way our appointment went fabulous! I didn't get yelled at, and I think we both learned a lot about how to help me with the anxiety and the thoughts. I feel like I have been in the light for the past six months or so, but at times it has still been hard for me to see, and so I get help from the outside. I trust others to see for me, as they help me figure it all out.

The lesson that I learned is when you are struggling with anything in life it's always best to have a second pair of eyes. Find that someone that you can trust your life with, and when you can't see because things are too dark, let that someone see for you. I also learned that maybe I should get my eyes checked =)

I hope you are all having a fabulously yellow day like I am. Happy Monday!