I have been impressed by other women out there in the blogging world who have been willing to put it all out there so that I can learn from their experiences. Thank you. I'm feeling like I need to do the same for myself and for others out there who maybe are experiencing similar trials. I have struggled with depression off and on for the past14 years. I have had to deal with the divorce and infidelity of both of my parents. My parents no longer hold onto the very values that they taught me to believe in. My parents have chosen lifestyles that have kept them from caring for their childrens spiritual, emotional, and physical needs on a daily basis, so I am raising my teenage brother and sister. I don't know if my parents will come across this blog or not, but if they do I want them to know that I do love them very much, but I do not approve of the things that they do.
I have a fabulous husband who has been there for me every step of the way since I first met him at my 16th birthday party. I have 3 beautiful children who bring me so much joy. At the same time I feel so overwhelmed with raising these special spirits. I had my last 2 kids less than a year apart and it was very hard to take care of 2 babies, but things were going well.
About 8 months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a whole new level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I knew right away that it must be post-partum depression. I completely shut down inside. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.
Then just a couple of months later at the beginning of this year I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just came from.
I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through this alone again. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I needed to go on medication again. I know it makes him sad. Like he isn't good enough to make me happy. I hope he doesn't feel that way. I have the greatest husband in the world. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better.
I called up a therapist that I knew of to schedule an appointment and the conversation went like this.
Therapist:When would you like to come in?
Me:As soon as you can see me.
Therapist:This might be too soon, but my 5:15 just canceled. Can you be here in 45 minutes?
So after holding on to all this fear and anxiety for two years I had 45 minutes to prepare myself to spill my guts. I got off the phone and started bawling, said a prayer, pulled myself together, and was out the door. That first session is kind of hard because you spend most of the time spilling your guts and then it's time to go. I'm like wait fix me. What am I suppposed to do? I have had several sessions since then. Some have been really good and helpful, and other times I feel so shut down inside that I don't know what to say or where I want the session to go and I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time.
I've been surprised that all the ugly stuff that brought me so much stress has been the easiest to overcome. I think the hardest thing for me is going to be changing my self image, and breaking down the extremely tall wall around me so that I can reach out to others and allow others to reach back to me. My therapist referenced Pres. Monson's talk about finding joy in the journey from this past General Conference and encouraged me to find joy in my life. There are mornings when I lay in bed not wanting to get up and I wonder how I will possibly find joy, and then I think that it doesn't say stay in bed and wait for joy to fall upon you. It says GET UP AND FIND JOY!
So here I am with this blog. I'm not sure what to expect from doing this. I guess I would hope to help others out there who also feel like they are all alone, but I think my main goal is to show myself that I can feel joy in my life. I don't want this blog to be depressing. I know it wont always be pretty, but I promise to find joy in something with every post. If you are still reading thanks for sticking with me. I will close out this post with something from Pres. Monson. "My sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey." FIND JOY IN YOUR JOURNEY! Oh and today I found joy in the rain. I also found joy in chasing my little ones around the house and then pretending to eat them once I caught them. YUMMY!
I have a fabulous husband who has been there for me every step of the way since I first met him at my 16th birthday party. I have 3 beautiful children who bring me so much joy. At the same time I feel so overwhelmed with raising these special spirits. I had my last 2 kids less than a year apart and it was very hard to take care of 2 babies, but things were going well.
About 8 months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a whole new level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I knew right away that it must be post-partum depression. I completely shut down inside. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.
Then just a couple of months later at the beginning of this year I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just came from.
I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through this alone again. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I needed to go on medication again. I know it makes him sad. Like he isn't good enough to make me happy. I hope he doesn't feel that way. I have the greatest husband in the world. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better.
I called up a therapist that I knew of to schedule an appointment and the conversation went like this.
Therapist:When would you like to come in?
Me:As soon as you can see me.
Therapist:This might be too soon, but my 5:15 just canceled. Can you be here in 45 minutes?
So after holding on to all this fear and anxiety for two years I had 45 minutes to prepare myself to spill my guts. I got off the phone and started bawling, said a prayer, pulled myself together, and was out the door. That first session is kind of hard because you spend most of the time spilling your guts and then it's time to go. I'm like wait fix me. What am I suppposed to do? I have had several sessions since then. Some have been really good and helpful, and other times I feel so shut down inside that I don't know what to say or where I want the session to go and I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time.
I've been surprised that all the ugly stuff that brought me so much stress has been the easiest to overcome. I think the hardest thing for me is going to be changing my self image, and breaking down the extremely tall wall around me so that I can reach out to others and allow others to reach back to me. My therapist referenced Pres. Monson's talk about finding joy in the journey from this past General Conference and encouraged me to find joy in my life. There are mornings when I lay in bed not wanting to get up and I wonder how I will possibly find joy, and then I think that it doesn't say stay in bed and wait for joy to fall upon you. It says GET UP AND FIND JOY!
So here I am with this blog. I'm not sure what to expect from doing this. I guess I would hope to help others out there who also feel like they are all alone, but I think my main goal is to show myself that I can feel joy in my life. I don't want this blog to be depressing. I know it wont always be pretty, but I promise to find joy in something with every post. If you are still reading thanks for sticking with me. I will close out this post with something from Pres. Monson. "My sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey." FIND JOY IN YOUR JOURNEY! Oh and today I found joy in the rain. I also found joy in chasing my little ones around the house and then pretending to eat them once I caught them. YUMMY!
