Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I'M BACK . . . . . .

Sorry that it has been a year. I'm going to try and make this long story short and spare you all the details. Last May I decided that I was going to go off my meds because I felt good and thought that it would be a good time to have a baby. Now I know that you shouldn't just stop taking your meds, so I talked to my doctor and he gave me the green light, so I blame him. Just kidding, but really I shouldn't have stopped taking them. It was too soon.

Two months after I quit taking the meds I started to feel funny. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I had bad headaches, and my mood was going down hill. I was afraid to be alone with my kids again. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't care. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. I continued to try to get pregnant while pushing through all the muck.

After seven months of trying to get pregnant and five months of muck I went back to my doctor to figure out what was going on with me. He diagnosed me with PMDD. (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) I thought great another mood disorder to deal with. Is this going to be my life? That was in January. Another funny thing happened in January. I became pregnant! Despite how I had been feeling the previous months I was excited to be having another baby. The symptoms of the PMDD went away and I was feeling good about everything.

Because of my previous miscarriage I wanted to make sure things were going ok, so I went in for an early ultrasound on March 1st. I was seven weeks along. My heart sunk when I didn't see a heart beat. The lady tried to tell me that it was still to early to tell for sure and to not worry, but I knew. On March 10th it was confirmed that I would be losing the baby. Everything came crashing down around me. I knew that it was going to be ugly, but something else happened to me. I had a sense of determination. I wasn't going to let this take me.

I immediately knew that I needed to find a new therapist. Someone who specialized in women issues. Before I even lost the baby I was emailing the Pres. of the AZ Postpartum Wellness Coalition. I found a therapist in my area that specializes in perinatal mood disorders. I had the miscarriage on March 21st. Ten days later I was sitting in the office of my new therapist. Starting from square one.

So what have I learned so far? I now know that what I experienced after I had my daughter four years ago was something called Postpartum OCD. I am a perfect textbook case example of what happens to someone when you let postpartum anything go untreated. For me Postpartum OCD meant high anxiety, and horrible thoughts and images in my mind. There was no way I was going to tell anyone what was happening. I thought that it would go away on its own, but it didn't. I suffered through this for two years before I started looking for help. When I found out that I was going to be having a miscarriage I started having flashbacks from those two years. Only this time the scary images that I would see in my mind were happening outside of me. I would look in the mirror and see it shatter. I would see cuts on my arm. I would see holes punched in the walls. I would look at my children's faces and see bruises. I knew that what I was seeing wasn't really there, but it was still terrifying. I got back on the meds right away and thankfully those kinds of things have stopped.

I'm sad that it has been four years. I'm sad that I suffered in silence for two freaking years. I'm sad that I spent the past year and a half in therapy that wasn't working for me. I'm sad for how this affects my family. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to get better, and I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not going to hide behind this anymore. I like what they are doing over at PostpartumProgress.com. They are talking about it and raising awareness about perinatal mood disorders. Women everyday are coming out on their blogs and sharing their experiences. I want to tell my story. I want to help other women. I'm a visual person and I see my mental health in colors. Ten being the worst is black, and one being the best is yellow. I'm at a six right now and that is the color brown. My therapist said when I'm yellow then I can help. Clearly the point I will be making is to not wait to get help. It's not worth it!

I've been looking over my previous posts. All five of them. I know. I'm quite the blogger. Anyways back to the point I was going to make. Those five posts were too pretty. I didn't do justice to Postpartum OCD and the things that I experienced. I was still hiding back then. I thought about changing the name of my blog to PPOCDisCRAP or WATCHwhereYOUstep, but I've decided to leave it. FINDjoyTODAY. It is still important for me to acknowledge the things in my life that bring me joy. It helps me see through the muck. Today it was racing my daughter down the hall and having a little dance party with her.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I'm done with this post. It wasn't exactly short, and there was probably to many details. Oh well. FIND JOY TODAY! I'm going to hit the publish post button now.