MOODY MONDAY

2 green Everyone seems to have recovered from the flu in our house, and we were able to have a wonderful Christmas weekend. I see the NP tomorrow for some medication tweeking. She put me on a new anti-anxiety med the last time I saw her, and I didn't handle it very well. I had an increase in violent pictures playing in my mind, and a strong desire to feel physical pain. People around me could tell that something wasn't right, and I didn't feel like me, so I quit taking it. I'm feeling much better. End of story.

I'm a new aunt again. I just got a new nephew and a niece, with two more on the way. I'm excited for all these new babies, but I'm sad at the same time that it's not me having the baby. I know I'm not ready, but I wonder if I will ever be ready. I wish I could tell the future. What would having a baby do to me? Would the PPOCD come back? The NP talks real positively about me having another baby, but when I bring it up with my therapist she asks me if I would consider adoption. I'm just confused and I shouldn't even be thinking about all this right now, but it's hard when I'm surrounded by it. Anyways enough of that.

I'm looking forward to this week. My husband has the whole week off from work, so I'm excited for some alone time with him. Have a great week and a Happy New Year!

5 purple I still feel blah. Some of my kids now feel blah. Hoping it moves through fast and we are all feeling well for the holidays. Merry Christmas! HO HO HO!

FEELINGS

So I need to get in touch with my feelings. I'm really good at not feeling anything. It's just easier to stay numb than to experience the highs and lows. I associate having feelings with not being in control, and my therapist says that is completely not true. She also said that we are going to have a problem if I can't change the way I think about feelings. It's a personal choice I am going to have to make. Am I going to trust my therapist to guide me out of this hole, or am I going to stay stuck because I am afraid of getting hurt again. My assignment is to stay present and be mindful of what is happening inside and outside of me. I also need to keep a journal where I keep track of my feelings by answering the following questions.

1. What am I feeling?
2. What are the contributing factors to the feeling?
3. On a scale of 1-10 how intense is the feeling?
4. Where in my body is the feeling?
5. What color is the feeling?

For example right now I feel miserable. I haven't felt good for a couple of days. There are a lot of things that I should be doing, but instead I have been laying in bed all day. I give it a 7 on intensity. I feel it in my back and the color is brown.

Well that one was easy. It's not hard to know how you feel when you are sick. I have a feeling this will be one of my harder assignments. Especially since most of the time I don't know what I'm feeling. Wish me luck.

MOODY MONDAY

3 Aqua A few things are on my mind. I want to be well. I don't want to be on meds. I want to have a baby. I've been on this ride before and it ended in a train wreck. I know I need more time. I love this talk given by one of my church leaders. It has taught me to slow down and focus on what matters most. I love what he says about tree rings and turbulence. I know that right now what matters most is that I allow myself the time I need to get well. Last year I didn't give myself enough time to completely get better. I'm looking forward to the new year and what it will bring as I continue to learn, grow, and heal. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2 GREEN This wont be long. It's my daughters birthday today and I'm busy getting ready for the party tonight. I can't believe she is 5 years old already. I feel like I missed out on a lot over the past 5 years. I was here physically, but mentally I was somewhere else. I'm still trying to get over the guilt of feeling like a bad mom. I know that I'm being too hard on myself given what was happening to me at the time. I'm happy to say that I am in a better place now. I'm more present with my children. I enjoy doing things with them. Sometimes my kids talk too much and it's real easy for me to checkout and not really pay attention to what they're saying, so I'm working on focusing on what is being said and validating their thoughts and feelings, and I can tell that they notice a difference in me when I do that. It feels good to be a mom:) Gotta go. Have a great day!

I SURVIVED

So last night I ended up at the Target pharmacy with 5 prescriptions in hand. One for me, 2 for my daughter, and 2 for my son. My daughter had a dr. app. yesterday because for the past 3 weeks she has had some nasty stuff growing in 2 of her fingernails. Turns out it is a staph infection. Fabulous! :( I decided that I was gonna be supermom and take all 3 kids to the app. While we are there my son's asthma decides to flare up. While the dr. is looking at my daughter's fingernails he is asking if I would like him to look at my son. He said you would have to wait for me to finish up with the rest of my patients. I decided that it would probably be best for my son to get checked out even though I dreaded the wait. I am proud to say that I survived being with all 3 of my children in an 8x8 room for 3 hours. We read stories, played I-spy, and got lots of drinks. My favorite part was when my 5 year old ran out into the hall and yelled what is taking you people so long! I scolded him for being so rude, but inside I was wondering the same thing! Anyways I think yesterday was a big step for me. I didn't let anxiety take over. I interacted with my children. We did things to stay busy, and the whole experience ended up not being too bad. Have a great day!

Terrific Tuesday

I'm feeling better today. I'm gonna go with YELLOW! So I've been keeping a little secret. Remember how I was wanting to have a photo shoot with my kids. Well back in October we got our pics taken. I sat down with the photographer before hand and shared with her what my experience has been like with PPOCD. I told her how I feel disconnected from my kids a lot of times, and that I wanted her to show me in a picture that I do have a connection with my children. The results are amazing and brought tears to my eyes. Now on days when things just don't seem to be going right I can look at these and remind myself just how good I have it. http://www.atjphoto.com/brinton Go ahead. Click on the link. You know you want to.

MOODY MONDAY

I'm somewhere between yellow and brown. I'm not sure, but I don't have any time to explain right now. I'm going to a football game with the hubby. It should be a lot of fun. If I have time later tonight I'll get back on and try to figure me out. If not, I'll see you tomorrow.

MOODY MONDAY

I'm having a YELLOW day! I love this time of year! Tomorrow is my husbands B-day. Then in a couple of weeks it will be my Irish twins B-days. My daughter will be turning 5, and then 5 days later my son will turn 6. So they will be the same age for 5 days. I don't recommend having babies back to back. It kinda messed me up, but I'm so thankful that I have these two kids in my life. They make my life fun and interesting, and I love them so much! Today I found joy in playing Dora Candy Land with my daughter. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving week!

THE BOX

I went to therapy today. My next assignment is to come up with ways to get out of my box. Didn't I just do this a few weeks ago? My therapist said yes you did, and you get to keep doing it until you put it into action. You mean I actually have to do the things I come up with? :) I guess just coming up with an idea isn't going to help me much. I need a plan. I've been making this too hard trying to come up with activities and hobbies for me to do when really there are some simple things that I can do to get out of the box. The first thing I would like to work on is smiling. Looking people in the eyes and smiling. I'm usually not aware of my facial expressions and sometimes people read me the wrong way, so this is going to take some real effort on my part. I can do this :):):):):):) Have a great weekend!

MOODY MONDAY

2 GREEN I don't have much else to say. I'm kind of tired today. I stayed up late making sure my son could breathe. The one with the freckles:) He is so sweet even when he can't breathe and he is coughing so hard that he throws up. After throwing up for the 3rd time last night he brought his bowl to my husband and said "will you empty out my tank?" Then he did his funny little giggle that makes me smile every time. I find joy in taking care of my children. Have a great day!

Who am I?

In therapy this week my therapist drew a diagram that looked kinda like this. She was showing me how I have surrounded myself with all these things related to my mental health and how it kinda keeps me stuck in it. It makes it hard for me to reach out of that inner circle and be who I really am. This leads into my homework assignment which is to write a paper on who I am without my mental health struggles. Honestly when I think about who I am I think PPOCD. It is all I have known for the last 4+ years and it has controlled me. It's time to take back my life. I am NOT PPOCD! Sadly I have neglected who I really am and that makes this assignment hard for me. I did what I needed to do in order to feel safe, and that has meant neglecting my relationships with family, friends, and with God. I think for me to know who I am I need to start being what I am. I don't know if that makes sense. Like I know that I am a mom. I have 3 kids that remind me of that everyday. It's a succesful day in our house if the kids eat 3 meals and are still wearing their clothes at the end of the day. But there is so much more to being a mom than just feeding and dressing the children. I have friends, but there is more that I could be doing to be a friend. I am a Daughter of God, but at the end of most days I'm too stubborn and tired to pray. I don't know. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I know that I have focused most of my attention on my mental health, but that is because I was in such a scary place and I'm afraid that if I'm not constantly thinking about or doing something that has to do with mental health I will find myself back in that place. It has been almost 9 months now since the scary episodes. I am more stable now. It is time for me to start making some changes. The inner and outer circles need to switch places. I need to look at all this mental health stuff differently. Here is my new diagram.
I like that one a lot better! I am not my mental health struggles, but through these life experiences I can be made a stronger daughter, sister, friend, mother, and daughter of God. I will finish this post with some words from a church primary song that just popped into my head. I know who I am. I know God's plan. I'll follow him in faith. Oh and today I found joy in listening to my 5 year old son giggle all day. He really is the cutest boy ever!

Meet my Therapist

This is the lady that has been helping me (kicking my butt) for the last 7 months. I love her! She also suffered with PPOCD. I realize that there are a lot of women with perinatal mood disorders that don't have access to the professional kind of help they need and deserve, and I feel very fortunate to have found Michelle. It has been helpful for me to know that she knows exactly where I have been, and more importantly where I can be, and how to get me there.

MOODY MONDAY

They call me mellow yellow. I'm going to be kind to myself and start the week out yellow. It's not a jump up and down so excited to be alive yellow. It's just like I said.... mellow yellow. I don't have anything to complain about. I don't feel stressed or anxious. I feel content. All good things. I saw the psychiatric np again last week. We decided to raise my medication. She is hoping to zap the intrusive thoughts, and I'm just hoping the rest of my brain doesn't get zapped:) No but really it would be nice if the thoughts and images would completely go away. It's like being the main character in a horror movie and not being able to stop it. It's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. Thankgoodness! I so badly want to put this all behind me and move on with my life. I wish that I would have talked to someone 4 years ago when this all started. Life would probably be a lot easier. Oh well. It is what it is. I am moving on and I am getting better. Even if it is 2 steps forward 1 step back. Oh and I find immense joy in the freckles on the cheeks of my 5 year old. I love that boy so much! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

1 1/2 Yellowish Green I don't know. Am I allowed to do that? I guess so. It is my blog! I'm just enjoying some quiet time at home getting the laundry done. I throw the green in there because I'm feeling a little anxious today. Not sure what it's about, but I'm glad that I can recognize it, and deal with it appropriately. Maybe a thought record would be helpful. Anyways I'll let you know what I come up with. Have a great day!

P.S. I find joy in listening to my children have conversations with each other. Like last night when my daughter told her brother that when he gets married he will have to kiss a girl. His response was "Hello! I'm gonna get a lot of wedding presents!" I need to keep an eye on that boy. I have a funny feeling he is already getting kisses from some girls in his kindergarten class. Heaven help us!

Fear

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

In therapy this week we talked a little bit about fear, and how I have let fear control my life. I can see that my fears keep me stuck in this cycle of depression. For me to do anything beyond what I have already done in order to be stable would be really hard. I'm quite comfortable in my box, and for me to get out of the box will be painful. It will require me to make some real changes. Something I haven't done with my last 3 therapists. This time has to be different. I want to be well for myself, husband, and children. My family is worth fighting for and so am I.

My homework assignment is to identify 3 things that I would like to try just for fun. It can't involve mental health. I'm already good at that. I attend the PPD support group, and I volunteer for the warmline. Both are great ways for me to get out of the box, but what can I do for fun. So far I have come up with taking a sewing class. What's something you have always wanted to try? If you have any great ideas please share them with me.

I hope you're having a great Halloween weekend! I'll see you tomorrow for Moody Monday.

MOODY MONDAY

Still Pink. Today I'm thinking about changes. I wish I lived in a place where the leaves did this! I wish I could change the way I think, act, and feel just as easily as the leaves change colors in the Fall. Who knows. Maybe its hard work for a leaf to change colors. They certainly don't do it here where I live. All I know is that I'm stuck. I can tell that I'm resisting change. I want to get better. I really do! I'm more stable now which is great considering where I started from 8 months ago, but I know I haven't changed. I'm gonna have to decide for myself if I'm really worth fighting for. Am I willing to do the hard work? In the past I've always settled for stable, and that just gets me a new therapist every 2-3 years. This time around it has to be different. Anyways enough of that. Just something for me to think about. Have a great day!

Super Saturday

So Moody Monday was a wash. It's a good thing I didn't have access to a computer on Monday because I was at a 10 BLACK. Luckily I had a good friend bring me yellow tulips and dark chocolate :) My trip to visit my grandparents went well. The weather was beautiful. It was nice to be in a place where fall happens! My due date came and went without much thought. Yes I still want to have a baby, but I'm glad that it isn't right now. I need to focus on getting better and having a baby would have only complicated things more than they already are.

So you are probably wondering why my mood was black. On the last night of our trip we got a call from our family letting us know that our home had been burglarized and our car was stolen. It was so hard to be so far away while all this was happening. A big thank you to our families for taking care of our children and making sure they were safe. It's a horrible feeling to not feel safe in your own home. We are getting everything put back together again. Stuff can be replaced. I'm just thankful to have my family!

My mood has slowly been coming back down. I'm somewhere around a 4 PINK now. I went to a support group for postpartum depression last week. I think it will be helpful to keep going. It was nice to be able to talk openly about my experiences and not feel judged by anybody. I think it will also help me to better handle calls that I might get on the warmline. I've taken several shifts now and I really enjoy doing it.

Anyways it's getting late and I feel like I'm blabbing. I'm going to bed. See you on Monday.

HAPPY MOODY MONDAY

My shirt is yellow. My shoes are yellow, and my mood is yellow. I'm having a great day! The kids will be home all week and I'm looking forward to it. Therapy went well on Friday. My therapist is noticing a cycle to my anxiety and intrusive thoughts so we are working on decreasing my anxiety. My homework for the week is to take care of myself, breathing exercises, and do some fun things with the kids. I think I can do that! I'm flying to Oregon this weekend with my husband to visit my grandparents. It should be a lot of fun. I'm a little anxious about the flight. Okay a lot anxious. I see my psychiatric NP tomorrow and I will get some anti-anxiety meds for the flight. I've never taken something for a flight before, but I figure there is no reason to put myself through all that anxiety, so we'll see how it goes. Staci Allen you get my kids if something happens to us :) I'd love to keep chatting but I have a pot of soup to make for the family Halloween party tonight. Chicken tortilla. YUM! Hope the weather cools off enough to enjoy the soup! Have a great rest of the day!

MOODY MONDAY

I have a confession to make. I had a lot of anxiety while I typed up my last post. My therapist thought it would be fun to see if I could go 3 weeks without seeing her. I panicked inside when she told me this, but made the appointment for 3 weeks out anyways. She told me I could call her if something came up. I was also thinking about my next homework assignment which is to identify my old behaviors when they come up. Then I need to list what I am trying to avoid or what I am scared of, and then list what I can do differently. One of my old behaviors is hiding in my room when my kids are being naughty. You know, not listening, fighting, being too loud, making messes, that sort of thing. If it's really bad then I hide in my closet. The furthest point I can get away from it all without leaving the house. My therapist gets after me if I go to the closet so I've been pretty good about not going in there. Tell me I'm not the only mom that hides from her kids:) I wondered why I have avoided being a mom when it comes to discipline and what it is I am scared of, and all of a sudden all the intrusive thoughts, images, and video clips that have played in my mind over the past 4 years came into my head. Stupid intrusive thoughts. I cried. It was very quick lasting about 15-20 seconds. I quickly finished up the post. Then I took my sleeping pills to numb my mind and was out in 30 minutes.

The next morning I called my therapist to let her know that 3 weeks was not going to work. I will be seeing her this Friday. We will be talking about intrusive thoughts. Why do I have them? What do they mean? How do they relate to my relationship with my children? And how the heck do I get rid of them!!? It has been long enough! Seriously!!!

Now that that's out of the way lets get to the good news for today. Like the fact that I'm YELLOW! I think that it is great that even though I have these negative experiences I'm not letting them affect my mood. I'm learning to deal with the good and the bad, and to that I say welcome to life!

MOODY MONDAY

2 GREEN. Therapy was great today! I think my therapist is the best. She shared this poem with me.

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. . . I am helpless.
It isn't my fault. . .
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall. . . it's a habit. . . but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"

Love it!!!! Hope you had a great day and if not there is always tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. You get what I mean. It will get better.

BAD DAY

So I didn't stay YELLOW, but that's okay. I'm learning to be okay when a bad day comes along. I know we all have bad days. It doesn't mean that I have to feel sorry for myself or get depressed. It doesn't mean that I'm slipping back into the black hole that I was in. It is what it is. Like a bad hair day I suppose.

I had to go to the pharmacy this week to get my meds. I hate going there. No matter how hard I try I can't stop the negative thoughts and emotions that rush through me as I pick up my medications. Three different ones to be exact. While I know these drugs are saving my life right now, I sure wish I didn't need them. I can tell that I need to do a thought record on this. I'm gonna have to go to the pharmacy at least once a month for the next little while and it shouldn't have to ruin my day everytime I go.

Anyways I'm gonna go do a thought record on taking medication, and hopefully I can look at this in a different way. I have therapy tomorrow afternoon. I'll do Moody Monday after my session. I never know how I'm gonna feel when I walk out of there :)

MOODY MONDAY

Still YELLOW! Have a fabulous day!

Just so you know . . . .

I'm having a YELLOW Day!

Tuesday Edition of Moody Monday (aka Monday was crazy)

I had a busy day yesterday and Moody Monday never even crossed my mind. Last week was kind of hard. I got up to a 7 ORANGE which is never any good when it comes to my mood. There was just a lot of stressful situations last week which led to intrusive thoughts and negative feelings. I think I handled it well though and today I'm at a 2 GREEN.

Yesterday I had therapy, and she always asks me what my greatest need is, and yesterday I said to be able to feel love. Both on the receiving and giving end. We talked about how love is an action not a feeling. I can't just wait for warm fuzzy feelings of love to come over me. I need to put love into action. On the flip side I need to accept love from others. I almost always have negative feelings associated with people showing me love. For example. My sweet husband swept and mopped the kitchen floor this morning. (love you babe!) Normally I would have told myself that I am lazy, and I should have mopped the floors yesterday, and my poor husband works all day long and comes home to a messy house, and blah blah blah blah blah. Today I said to myself my husband is great! He must really appreciate the things that I do everyday. He must really love me to be mopping the floors because he hates mopping just as much as I do. Then I gave him a big kiss to show him that I love and appreciate him for all that he does. See how that works? So much better than beating myself up all day, and I can enjoy my clean kitchen floor for at least a few more hours ;) I hope you have a LOVELY day!

MOODY MONDAY

4 PINK I had some bad days last week. Nothing too terrible. Just some sadness and anger. I had an assignment for therapy to write a goodbye letter to the miscarriage and baby. I wrote this nice 2 page letter about how I was thankful for the experience because I have learned so much from it. I said goodbye to the pain of the miscarriage. I said goodbye to the baby. I wrote about how I no longer feel like I am in hell, and how amazing and wonderful that feels. I wrote down the words to the hymn How Firm a Foundation because that song has given me strength over the past 8 months. I was definitely using my logical side when I wrote this letter. I knew that this happened for a reason. It led me to find the right kind of help for me so I can end this horrible thing called PPOCD.

After writing the letter I didn't feel right. This went on for several days, and I was getting really frustrated because of it. I sat down at my desk. I got out my pen and paper and started writing again, and this is what came out. This whole miscarriage thing was stupid and crappy. I'm sad and angry because I should be having a baby next month and I'm not. My due date was October 16th. I also wrote that this sickness is all that I have known for the past 4 years, and that it has been scary for me to have so many good days. These are the last 3 sentences that I wrote down. I am afraid of who I can be. I am afraid of the responsibility. I am afraid to fail.

The next day I had therapy and I was afraid that my therapist was going to get after me for feeling this way. Instead she was jumping out of her seat, throwing her hands up in the air, and screaming YEA! She was excited that I had this insight. I was allowing myself to have feelings and that's a good thing. We talked about how it's okay to have these bad days, but that it doesn't mean that we have to stay stuck in them. So I am climbing out of those bad days last week, and this week will be better. I'll let you know when I see YELLOW!

Oh and I found joy in spending the last couple of days with my husband and children up in the mountains, and today I find joy in being home alone while my husband and children are still up in the mountains :) I love them so much, but it's nice to have some alone time. Have a great Labor Day!

MOODY MONDAY

I would just like to say that on Saturday I was YELLOW. I am working on becoming a warmline volunteer. I copied the following information about the warmline from the website www.postpartumcouples.com.

Arizona Warmline:
(888) 434-MOMS

When you call the warmline you will leave a message and a trained parent volunteer who has "been there" will return your call as soon as possible. The warmline volunteers offer support, encouragement, resources, and referrals within your community in the state of Arizona.
We are here to help. You are not alone.

I spoke with the coordinator for the warmline on Saturday and we are going to meet this weekend so I can get the materials that I need to do this. I am super excited! I want to feel like my suffering had a purpose, and this is just a small way that I can help. I was also seeing yellow because of this.

I have been having a lot of fun fixing up some old furniture pieces for my bedroom. I like to think about how far I have come and the changes that I have been making to myself while I do this. It has been very therapeutic.

Anyways on to my mood today. I'm at a 2 GREEN. If I can get all my chores done for the day then I'll bet I'm seeing YELLOW by the end of the day. If not GREEN will do :) Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

3 AQUA. So I've had a little more anxiety this past week. It lasts for about 10 seconds. I feel like I can't breathe and my head starts to spin, but I pull out of it quickly. I think it is triggered by the fact that things are going well. I usually start to worry that something bad is going to happen when I'm doing good. That's just what I have learned from my life experiences. So I'm trying to find the middle. I know we all have good and bad days. My mood doesn't always have to be super happy nor does it need to be down in the dumps depressed. Which makes me wonder.......I really want to have this photo shoot with my kids, but what are the chances that I will be seeing YELLOW on Monday 4 weeks in a row. Not very good I think, so I'm changing my goal. I need to see YELLOW at least once a week for 4 weeks in a row. That seems more realistic to me. Because really there is nothing wrong with GREEN, PINK, OR AQUA. I'm happy seeing all of these colors, and that is my real goal. To just be happy! Most of the time :) Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

Let's get right to it. 2 Green. Isn't that just fantastic! It might have something to do with the fact that the kids are back in school :) I know I'm headed in the right direction. My meds are working the way they should, and I'm going to therapy every other week instead of once a week now. So things are looking good. I'm gonna go to bed now cause I'm kinda tired. Oh and today I found joy in hanging out with my sister tonight. The one that lives with me. She is amazing and I love her! Good night.

Hooray for Education!!!!!

Today I find joy in this. . . . .


I sent my boys off for their first day of school. The one in the green shirt is going to be in all day kindergarten. I'll be praying for his teacher today:)

The beginning of the school year is sort of an anniversary for me. It was after I sent my first son to kindergarten 4 years ago that I started having the intrusive thoughts. I was home alone with my two babies and it was terrifying. Today I sent off my second son to kindergarten with a heart full of love for my children. I look back at the past 4 years and I can see how far I have come. I know it's Wednesday and not Moody Monday, but today I see YELLOW, and it feels AWESOME! Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

I missed last Monday because we decided to go to Sea World last minute. We had a fabulous time as a family. As for my mood I'm gonna have to go with a 3 AQUA! I love this color. It is the color of my bedroom walls. It's very calming, but I still want YELLOW! Therapy is going well, and I think I'm getting my meds finally figured out. Oh and by the way school starts this Wednesday, and we are all very excited around here! And my 10 year anniversary is this Tuesday. I love my husband so much for sticking by me over the past 10 years. He is the BEST! So lots of good things are happening. I'm sharing more of myself with those around me and that feels good. Have a HAPPY MONDAY!

Thought Record

This is what a thought record looks like. This is the last one that I did and that I feel comfortable sharing with you. In the first column you write down what the situation is. What happened that led to the unpleasant emotion.

In the second column you say what emotion you are feeling. Sad, angry, anxious, etc., and you give it a number. On a scale of 1 to 10 how strong is that emotion.

In the third column you write down the automatic thoughts you are telling yourself because of the situation. Then you give those thoughts a number too. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you really believe those thoughts.

In the fourth column you write down a more rational response to the situation or what is really the truth. Then you give this a number too. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you believe the rational response. This is my favorite part because it really does work for me. It helps me fight those automatic thoughts that I have about myself that bring me down.

In the last column you re-rate your belief in the automatic thought. Then you write down the emotion you are feeling after you have done the thought record, and rate that emotion as well.

I really enjoy doing these because I feel so much better after I complete the thought record. I think everyone could benefit from doing this. We all have situations that come up that create negative thoughts and feelings, and this helps you to take a step back and see things differently. I've tried doing this in my head as well, but it doesn't work very good for me. I always feel better after writing everything out though, and I hope it will work for you too. Have a happy thoughtful day!

MOODY MONDAY

6 Brown Darn it! Oh well. Just a little more moody than last week. I think I've been thinking and worrying too much over the last week. I need to be better at catching my negative thoughts, so that I can do thought records because those really help me. I'll show you what a thought record looks like on another day. For now I need to go to bed and hopefully dream about the color YELLOW.

Wordle

I was bored. Click to see my wordle.

Moody Monday

So I was thinking maybe this would be a good way for me to make sure I post at least once a week. I would like to keep track of my moods and how I have been feeling. So on Mondays I will tell you exactly how I feel. I know it seems backwards but 1 yellow is the best mood, and 10 black is the worst. I'm not planning on any tens, but if a ten does show up send dark chocolate and flowers my way please. And the results are in. Drum roll please . . . . . . . . . .

4 PINK. Not to bad. It would be lower if I didn't feel like I have had the flu for the past several days, but I'll take it. I switched one of my medications last week and I can already feel a huge difference. I know I'm headed in the right direction. Pink's a nice color, but it's not yellow. When I can consistently stay at a yellow for 4 weeks in a row than I am going to reward myself with a photo shoot with my children. I've already talked to the photographer about what I want and I'm so excited. I've missed out on a lot over the past 4 years, and I can't wait to see myself become the mom I've always known I can be. Cheesy yes. Sorry no!

Tulips Roses It's All the Same

This is my cute brother Brian. He just got home from serving a mission for our church down in the jungles of Brazil. The other two people in the picture are my cute sister Susan and her cute daughter Vie. The other night I was visiting with Brian about life and the things that have been going on while he has been gone for two years. I felt like I should share this part of my life with him because like I said I'm not hiding behind this anymore. I even recently told my mother in law. HUGE! My family is so important to me and especially my brothers and sisters. We've been through a lot together and have always been there to help and support each other in our trials and this shouldn't be any different. So I told my brother about this blog of mine, and he said that he would read it.




Last Tuesday I had therapy and it went kinda crappy. I wasn't able to gather my thoughts together and express what I was thinking. My therapist kept saying stop shrugging your shoulders we are beyond shoulder shrugging. So I would spit out words and broken thoughts, but it wasn't what I was really feeling. I left my appointment feeling down on myself. Which I recognize is just my old way of thinking. I really am trying to think more optimistically:)

I would just like to say thanks to my sisters and sister in laws who are always willing to watch my children while I have my appointments. They have been lifesavers to me. On this day it was Susan who came over to watch my kids while I was gone, and then she continued to hang out with me after I got home. So I'm home visiting with Susan trying to not be sad and Brian shows up with these. A dozen yellow roses. He said, "I don't even know what tulips are, so I got you these and they are yellow."


On my side bar you will see that happy things to me are tulips and the color yellow. Brian told me that he read my blog and that it made him cry and he couldn't sleep all night. I hugged him and fought back tears. He told me he was proud of me and that I AM doing a good job. He said lots of nice things to me and I took it. I believed what he was saying, and I quit feeling sorry for myself. Then we went to Barros and had a lovely black olive pizza. It was delicious! I love my brothers and sisters. The End.

I'm Going to Be Okay

Two months ago my therapist asked me how it made me feel to know that other women out there have experienced the same thing that I have been through and that I will get better. I told her that I didn't really care and to just make it go away. She then pointed to the magic wand on her shelf that guess what..... isn't really magic. She can't just wave the wand and make it go away. I need to own what I have been through and take responsibility for my recovery. I can't place that on anybody but myself.

Today I watched this video by Katherine Stone over at PostpartumProgress. Today I care. Today I find comfort in knowing that other women know what it is like to have PPOCD. Today I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I find joy in a lazy summer morning laying around in our pj's. Or if you're my 5 year old you run around in your undies. I love that boy so much I could eat him for lunch! Have a great day!

I'M BACK . . . . . .

Sorry that it has been a year. I'm going to try and make this long story short and spare you all the details. Last May I decided that I was going to go off my meds because I felt good and thought that it would be a good time to have a baby. Now I know that you shouldn't just stop taking your meds, so I talked to my doctor and he gave me the green light, so I blame him. Just kidding, but really I shouldn't have stopped taking them. It was too soon.

Two months after I quit taking the meds I started to feel funny. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I had bad headaches, and my mood was going down hill. I was afraid to be alone with my kids again. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't care. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. I continued to try to get pregnant while pushing through all the muck.

After seven months of trying to get pregnant and five months of muck I went back to my doctor to figure out what was going on with me. He diagnosed me with PMDD. (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) I thought great another mood disorder to deal with. Is this going to be my life? That was in January. Another funny thing happened in January. I became pregnant! Despite how I had been feeling the previous months I was excited to be having another baby. The symptoms of the PMDD went away and I was feeling good about everything.

Because of my previous miscarriage I wanted to make sure things were going ok, so I went in for an early ultrasound on March 1st. I was seven weeks along. My heart sunk when I didn't see a heart beat. The lady tried to tell me that it was still to early to tell for sure and to not worry, but I knew. On March 10th it was confirmed that I would be losing the baby. Everything came crashing down around me. I knew that it was going to be ugly, but something else happened to me. I had a sense of determination. I wasn't going to let this take me.

I immediately knew that I needed to find a new therapist. Someone who specialized in women issues. Before I even lost the baby I was emailing the Pres. of the AZ Postpartum Wellness Coalition. I found a therapist in my area that specializes in perinatal mood disorders. I had the miscarriage on March 21st. Ten days later I was sitting in the office of my new therapist. Starting from square one.

So what have I learned so far? I now know that what I experienced after I had my daughter four years ago was something called Postpartum OCD. I am a perfect textbook case example of what happens to someone when you let postpartum anything go untreated. For me Postpartum OCD meant high anxiety, and horrible thoughts and images in my mind. There was no way I was going to tell anyone what was happening. I thought that it would go away on its own, but it didn't. I suffered through this for two years before I started looking for help. When I found out that I was going to be having a miscarriage I started having flashbacks from those two years. Only this time the scary images that I would see in my mind were happening outside of me. I would look in the mirror and see it shatter. I would see cuts on my arm. I would see holes punched in the walls. I would look at my children's faces and see bruises. I knew that what I was seeing wasn't really there, but it was still terrifying. I got back on the meds right away and thankfully those kinds of things have stopped.

I'm sad that it has been four years. I'm sad that I suffered in silence for two freaking years. I'm sad that I spent the past year and a half in therapy that wasn't working for me. I'm sad for how this affects my family. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to get better, and I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not going to hide behind this anymore. I like what they are doing over at PostpartumProgress.com. They are talking about it and raising awareness about perinatal mood disorders. Women everyday are coming out on their blogs and sharing their experiences. I want to tell my story. I want to help other women. I'm a visual person and I see my mental health in colors. Ten being the worst is black, and one being the best is yellow. I'm at a six right now and that is the color brown. My therapist said when I'm yellow then I can help. Clearly the point I will be making is to not wait to get help. It's not worth it!

I've been looking over my previous posts. All five of them. I know. I'm quite the blogger. Anyways back to the point I was going to make. Those five posts were too pretty. I didn't do justice to Postpartum OCD and the things that I experienced. I was still hiding back then. I thought about changing the name of my blog to PPOCDisCRAP or WATCHwhereYOUstep, but I've decided to leave it. FINDjoyTODAY. It is still important for me to acknowledge the things in my life that bring me joy. It helps me see through the muck. Today it was racing my daughter down the hall and having a little dance party with her.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I'm done with this post. It wasn't exactly short, and there was probably to many details. Oh well. FIND JOY TODAY! I'm going to hit the publish post button now.