YELLOW :)

It was a lot easier to talk about how I'm doing when it was just me in therapy. Now it's me and my husband in therapy together talking about the most personal aspects of our lives. Not that I have to share everything, but I miss my updates and trying to figure out where I'm at on my scale of Yellow to Black. I hope to do better. It's good for me to write stuff down so I can see my progress. Here are a few updates.

Rob & I continue to work on communication. I don't know why it has to be so hard. We love each other so much and have been a support to one another for like the past 18 years or something crazy like that. We are getting better at talking, but it's still painful. Earlier this week I had a meltdown and we both ended up crying and holding on to each other. It felt so weird to me. I emailed our therapist to talk about it and this was her response.  From what I'm reading, it sounds like you and Rob talking, him asking what you were needing from him in that moment, you sharing what you were needing, him sharing his fears, you sharing yours and sobbing together:  if that's what happened, then as difficult and strange as it may have been, it is exactly what you are both needing to be doing. I guess we are doing it right :)

I'm learning that I have been allowing shame to control me and that shame is my enemy. Bad shame. Have you heard of Brene Brown? She is awesome! She is a shame researcher. Sounds like fun huh? Watch this video. It is fantastic!  http://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

To help me along in the sex therapy department, last October, I decided to do a sexy photo shoot. You know me. I'm a visual artsy type person. When I was dealing with my PPOCD I took pictures with my kids. Now that I'm working on sex issues I take pictures in my underwear :) Rob didn't know and I surprised him with a book of the pics for his birthday. He loved it and it was seriously one of the funnest things I have ever done. One of my faves. Yellow of course!

Well it's after midnight. I should go to bed. It has been a fabulous weekend! Rob took the kids up North to the family ranch, and I stayed home to get some things done around the house. The peace and quiet was also nice as I brace myself for summer. Friday was the first day of no school and they were already bored and wanting to be entertained :)

Happy Memorial Day! Much love to all those who have fought to protect our freedoms!

My Steps to Recovery: See, Believe, Feel, Heal

I'm a visual person. Printed word speaks to me and helps me get in touch with what I'm feeling. I tend to numb everything to get through difficult stuff. I put this collage together when I was in the throes of PPOCD. Lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It took awhile but I'm better now.

I consider myself recovered for about a good year, but I think you almost need to recover from recovering. I call this one my vision board. It is framed and hangs on my bedroom wall where I can see it all the time. It keeps me grounded in the things that were able to help me get to a better place. I know I can look at this anytime I'm feeling anxious or depressed and it will direct me back to the knowledge that I have that I am capable of conquering anything.

You are not alone. This isn't your fault. You will get better.

• If you need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

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Postpartum Support International Warmline (English & Spanish)
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