Terrific Tuesday

I'm feeling better today. I'm gonna go with YELLOW! So I've been keeping a little secret. Remember how I was wanting to have a photo shoot with my kids. Well back in October we got our pics taken. I sat down with the photographer before hand and shared with her what my experience has been like with PPOCD. I told her how I feel disconnected from my kids a lot of times, and that I wanted her to show me in a picture that I do have a connection with my children. The results are amazing and brought tears to my eyes. Now on days when things just don't seem to be going right I can look at these and remind myself just how good I have it. http://www.atjphoto.com/brinton Go ahead. Click on the link. You know you want to.

MOODY MONDAY

I'm somewhere between yellow and brown. I'm not sure, but I don't have any time to explain right now. I'm going to a football game with the hubby. It should be a lot of fun. If I have time later tonight I'll get back on and try to figure me out. If not, I'll see you tomorrow.

MOODY MONDAY

I'm having a YELLOW day! I love this time of year! Tomorrow is my husbands B-day. Then in a couple of weeks it will be my Irish twins B-days. My daughter will be turning 5, and then 5 days later my son will turn 6. So they will be the same age for 5 days. I don't recommend having babies back to back. It kinda messed me up, but I'm so thankful that I have these two kids in my life. They make my life fun and interesting, and I love them so much! Today I found joy in playing Dora Candy Land with my daughter. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving week!

THE BOX

I went to therapy today. My next assignment is to come up with ways to get out of my box. Didn't I just do this a few weeks ago? My therapist said yes you did, and you get to keep doing it until you put it into action. You mean I actually have to do the things I come up with? :) I guess just coming up with an idea isn't going to help me much. I need a plan. I've been making this too hard trying to come up with activities and hobbies for me to do when really there are some simple things that I can do to get out of the box. The first thing I would like to work on is smiling. Looking people in the eyes and smiling. I'm usually not aware of my facial expressions and sometimes people read me the wrong way, so this is going to take some real effort on my part. I can do this :):):):):):) Have a great weekend!

MOODY MONDAY

2 GREEN I don't have much else to say. I'm kind of tired today. I stayed up late making sure my son could breathe. The one with the freckles:) He is so sweet even when he can't breathe and he is coughing so hard that he throws up. After throwing up for the 3rd time last night he brought his bowl to my husband and said "will you empty out my tank?" Then he did his funny little giggle that makes me smile every time. I find joy in taking care of my children. Have a great day!

Who am I?

In therapy this week my therapist drew a diagram that looked kinda like this. She was showing me how I have surrounded myself with all these things related to my mental health and how it kinda keeps me stuck in it. It makes it hard for me to reach out of that inner circle and be who I really am. This leads into my homework assignment which is to write a paper on who I am without my mental health struggles. Honestly when I think about who I am I think PPOCD. It is all I have known for the last 4+ years and it has controlled me. It's time to take back my life. I am NOT PPOCD! Sadly I have neglected who I really am and that makes this assignment hard for me. I did what I needed to do in order to feel safe, and that has meant neglecting my relationships with family, friends, and with God. I think for me to know who I am I need to start being what I am. I don't know if that makes sense. Like I know that I am a mom. I have 3 kids that remind me of that everyday. It's a succesful day in our house if the kids eat 3 meals and are still wearing their clothes at the end of the day. But there is so much more to being a mom than just feeding and dressing the children. I have friends, but there is more that I could be doing to be a friend. I am a Daughter of God, but at the end of most days I'm too stubborn and tired to pray. I don't know. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I know that I have focused most of my attention on my mental health, but that is because I was in such a scary place and I'm afraid that if I'm not constantly thinking about or doing something that has to do with mental health I will find myself back in that place. It has been almost 9 months now since the scary episodes. I am more stable now. It is time for me to start making some changes. The inner and outer circles need to switch places. I need to look at all this mental health stuff differently. Here is my new diagram.
I like that one a lot better! I am not my mental health struggles, but through these life experiences I can be made a stronger daughter, sister, friend, mother, and daughter of God. I will finish this post with some words from a church primary song that just popped into my head. I know who I am. I know God's plan. I'll follow him in faith. Oh and today I found joy in listening to my 5 year old son giggle all day. He really is the cutest boy ever!

Meet my Therapist

This is the lady that has been helping me (kicking my butt) for the last 7 months. I love her! She also suffered with PPOCD. I realize that there are a lot of women with perinatal mood disorders that don't have access to the professional kind of help they need and deserve, and I feel very fortunate to have found Michelle. It has been helpful for me to know that she knows exactly where I have been, and more importantly where I can be, and how to get me there.

MOODY MONDAY

They call me mellow yellow. I'm going to be kind to myself and start the week out yellow. It's not a jump up and down so excited to be alive yellow. It's just like I said.... mellow yellow. I don't have anything to complain about. I don't feel stressed or anxious. I feel content. All good things. I saw the psychiatric np again last week. We decided to raise my medication. She is hoping to zap the intrusive thoughts, and I'm just hoping the rest of my brain doesn't get zapped:) No but really it would be nice if the thoughts and images would completely go away. It's like being the main character in a horror movie and not being able to stop it. It's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. Thankgoodness! I so badly want to put this all behind me and move on with my life. I wish that I would have talked to someone 4 years ago when this all started. Life would probably be a lot easier. Oh well. It is what it is. I am moving on and I am getting better. Even if it is 2 steps forward 1 step back. Oh and I find immense joy in the freckles on the cheeks of my 5 year old. I love that boy so much! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

1 1/2 Yellowish Green I don't know. Am I allowed to do that? I guess so. It is my blog! I'm just enjoying some quiet time at home getting the laundry done. I throw the green in there because I'm feeling a little anxious today. Not sure what it's about, but I'm glad that I can recognize it, and deal with it appropriately. Maybe a thought record would be helpful. Anyways I'll let you know what I come up with. Have a great day!

P.S. I find joy in listening to my children have conversations with each other. Like last night when my daughter told her brother that when he gets married he will have to kiss a girl. His response was "Hello! I'm gonna get a lot of wedding presents!" I need to keep an eye on that boy. I have a funny feeling he is already getting kisses from some girls in his kindergarten class. Heaven help us!