YELLOW! I had a fantastic weekend with the family! We decided Friday night at 5 o'clock to go to Vegas. Two hours later we were in the car and on our way. We really wanted to show our foreign exchange student a good time. We thought it was a shame for her to come all the way to America and all she gets to see is Arizona. We had a great time!
I saw the NP last week and she prescribed me a new medication. I know that the idea was for me to go down on the number of meds that I'm on, but I feel good about this decision. I was talking to her about how I feel like there is still something wrong with me that hasn't ever been addressed. She asked the right questions and we both feel like I might have ADD. I think it's something I've had my whole life, and I'm thrilled to finally be getting some help for it.
The two day training is this Thursday and Friday. I will be speaking on Thursday. I'm a little bit nervous, but so excited to become more educated on this disorder. It's important to talk about these issues so that other moms don't feel alone like I did. Have a great week!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
MOODY MONDAY
2 Green I went to group last week and they convinced me that I need to be more specific in my story that I share at the training coming up. So I have been working on adding some details that are a little more difficult for me to share. I was pretty vague in my survivor story that I posted a couple weeks ago. I wasn't sure how much information I wanted to share, but I'm going to be speaking to a group of professionals and they need to know what can happen when someone suffers from a perinatal mood disorder and doesn't get the right kind of treatment. Here are the couple of paragraphs that I have decided to add to my story.
The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body and I was terrified. I had two of these episodes. I knew that what I was seeing wasn’t really there. The first one happened a few days after I found out that I was going to miscarry. I was standing in the bathroom crying and I looked in the mirror and saw it shatter. I looked down at my arm and saw that it was covered in cuts. I knew that I had to get out of that bathroom. As I walked out of my bedroom and down the hallway I saw holes punched in the wall. I just kept walking. I knew that I would be ok once I was around someone. My second episode happened a few weeks after I miscarried. I was looking at my daughter and her face started to spin and bruises started to appear on her face. I knew that if I kept looking I was going to see a monster. I wasn’t able to look at my children for days after. This time there was no debate. I knew that I needed to go back on medication.
I had about 4 recurring thoughts that caused me great anxiety. I couldn’t bathe the children without thinking that I would drown them. I didn’t like to be in the kitchen because I was afraid that I would hurt me or my children with a knife. While driving I would have the thought to crash the car. The thought that bothered me the most was every time we would get in the car to go somewhere I would have the thought to start the car and not open the garage. All of my thoughts were accompanied by pictures or videos. I would see everything happening in my mind. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me.
I can't believe all that was happening just a year ago. I feel so disconnected from that person. Thank goodness! Today is actually the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I thought that March was going to be a hard month for me, but instead I've only seen the positive and how far I have come. Yea me!
Today I am finding joy in the rain. Love the rain! Have a fabulous week!
Monday, March 7, 2011
MOODY MONDAY
YELLOW! I feel great today! Our foreign exchange student arrived last night. My initial anxiety over a stranger in our home for three weeks has gone away. She is very nice and I think we are going to have a lot of fun.
My mom came over on Saturday and helped us get the house clean and ready for our guest. Thanks mom! My mom let me know that she has read my blog. We had a good conversation. She apologized for being a source of some of my pain. I let her know that I had forgiven her, but that sometimes I have bad days where I'm sad over the situation. So is that forgiveness? I guess that's between me and God. I like what my friend Brooke said about forgiveness. She said forgiveness is love, and I truly love my mom. I can't say the same for my dad, so I have some work to do. If you would like to give me your thoughts on forgiveness just leave me a comment. I'm turning in my paper this Thursday.
Have a great week!
My mom came over on Saturday and helped us get the house clean and ready for our guest. Thanks mom! My mom let me know that she has read my blog. We had a good conversation. She apologized for being a source of some of my pain. I let her know that I had forgiven her, but that sometimes I have bad days where I'm sad over the situation. So is that forgiveness? I guess that's between me and God. I like what my friend Brooke said about forgiveness. She said forgiveness is love, and I truly love my mom. I can't say the same for my dad, so I have some work to do. If you would like to give me your thoughts on forgiveness just leave me a comment. I'm turning in my paper this Thursday.
Have a great week!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I'm a Survivor
My name is Julie and I’m a survivor of postpartum ocd. I have three children ages 9, 6, and 5. I have also been raising my brother and sister over the past 6 years. Despite a lot of family drama going on during my first two pregnancies my postpartum experience with my two boys was a great time for me. I think it is important to know that when my second son was just three months old I became pregnant with my daughter. I believe this played a big part in my getting postpartum ocd. My hormones never had a chance to settle down and when they finally did it was devastating. About eight months after I had my daughter I started experiencing a level of depression and anxiety that I had never before felt, and it was terrifying. I had horrible thoughts involving myself and my children. I would see pictures and video clips of these thoughts in my mind. I completely shut down inside. I felt so much shame. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I felt like if I could just get through each day one at a time without having to let anyone know what I was going through it would have to eventually pass. There were good days and bad days, but after about 18 months of internal hell, I felt like I had pulled through it.
Then just a couple of months later I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just come from.
I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through it alone this time. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I had kept this secret from him for almost two years. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better. I ended up calling the first therapist that I could think of. I was with this therapist for a year and a half knowing that I probably wasn’t getting the right kind of care. We never discussed perinatal mood disorders. The term postpartum ocd was never mentioned. I still felt very much alone. I didn’t understand why the horrible thoughts and images wouldn’t go away.
Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling well I decided that it was time to have a baby. Probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and so just over a year ago I got pregnant. I was excited this time around. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. When I was seven weeks along I found out that the pregnancy was not viable and that I would be losing the baby. My life came crashing down around me. This was a very scary time for me. The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body. I knew that what I was seeing was not really there, but I was still terrified. I immediately got back on medication. I also knew that I needed to find a new therapist who specialized in women’s issues.
A friend told me about the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and I contacted Dr. Hibbert through email to see if there was someone that she would recommend for me. Exactly one year ago today I found myself in the office of my new therapist starting at square one. It was a relief to finally talk to someone who knew about what I was going through. It was nice to have a diagnosis. I was able to research postpartum ocd and read about other women’s experiences, and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
It has been helpful for me to understand that I’m not the only one who has had intrusive thoughts. You know they talk about the baby blues when you leave the hospital and the Dr. asks how you are feeling at the 6 week checkup but no one ever explained intrusive thoughts to me. I literally thought that I was going insane. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me. It’s important that we raise awareness about these issues so that women can better understand the postpartum period and not be afraid to get help when they need it.
I’ve come a long way in the last year. Before there was such a disconnect between me and my children. Because of the thoughts and images I was afraid to be their mother, and a lot of the responsibility fell on my husband and my sister. I don’t live in fear anymore. I’m learning to feel connected to my children. I’m learning to find joy in motherhood. I’m learning to be at peace with who I am.
A great opportunity that I have had is to be a warmline volunteer. Every Tuesday I get to respond to calls from other women who are concerned that they are experiencing a perinatal mood disorder. It has been healing for me to be able to talk to others, and to give them the resources that they need so that they can get the right kind of care. I’m glad that I get to share my story. I want other women to know that they are not alone, and that they don’t need to suffer in silence like I did. I feel that if I’m able to help just one person than my suffering will have had a purpose.
Then just a couple of months later I found out that I was pregnant. I cried for many days afraid of all the emotions that would come with the pregnancy. After a couple of weeks I began to accept and plan for a new baby. Within 24 hours of letting our families know that we were expecting, I miscarried. I felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to have another baby. I needed to take care of myself for a change. A friend of mine who has had several miscarriages warned me that my hormones and emotions were going to be all over the place, and to take it easy. I prayed that I would be able to deal with everything, but after a couple of months I found myself back in the hell I had just come from.
I knew that I had to get help. I couldn't go through it alone this time. I started with my doctor. He prescribed medication for me. Then I talked to my husband. I felt so bad telling him that I had kept this secret from him for almost two years. I couldn't tell my Dr. and husband everything that I was going through because it was too ugly. I was hoping that the medication would just make it all go away, but after several months I wasn't feeling any better. I ended up calling the first therapist that I could think of. I was with this therapist for a year and a half knowing that I probably wasn’t getting the right kind of care. We never discussed perinatal mood disorders. The term postpartum ocd was never mentioned. I still felt very much alone. I didn’t understand why the horrible thoughts and images wouldn’t go away.
Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling well I decided that it was time to have a baby. Probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and so just over a year ago I got pregnant. I was excited this time around. I so desperately wanted to put everything behind me and move on with my life. When I was seven weeks along I found out that the pregnancy was not viable and that I would be losing the baby. My life came crashing down around me. This was a very scary time for me. The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body. I knew that what I was seeing was not really there, but I was still terrified. I immediately got back on medication. I also knew that I needed to find a new therapist who specialized in women’s issues.
A friend told me about the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and I contacted Dr. Hibbert through email to see if there was someone that she would recommend for me. Exactly one year ago today I found myself in the office of my new therapist starting at square one. It was a relief to finally talk to someone who knew about what I was going through. It was nice to have a diagnosis. I was able to research postpartum ocd and read about other women’s experiences, and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
It has been helpful for me to understand that I’m not the only one who has had intrusive thoughts. You know they talk about the baby blues when you leave the hospital and the Dr. asks how you are feeling at the 6 week checkup but no one ever explained intrusive thoughts to me. I literally thought that I was going insane. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me. It’s important that we raise awareness about these issues so that women can better understand the postpartum period and not be afraid to get help when they need it.
I’ve come a long way in the last year. Before there was such a disconnect between me and my children. Because of the thoughts and images I was afraid to be their mother, and a lot of the responsibility fell on my husband and my sister. I don’t live in fear anymore. I’m learning to feel connected to my children. I’m learning to find joy in motherhood. I’m learning to be at peace with who I am.
A great opportunity that I have had is to be a warmline volunteer. Every Tuesday I get to respond to calls from other women who are concerned that they are experiencing a perinatal mood disorder. It has been healing for me to be able to talk to others, and to give them the resources that they need so that they can get the right kind of care. I’m glad that I get to share my story. I want other women to know that they are not alone, and that they don’t need to suffer in silence like I did. I feel that if I’m able to help just one person than my suffering will have had a purpose.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Help Please
I had therapy today and we talked about forgiveness, and now my homework assignment is to write a paper about forgiveness. I'm supposed to get other peoples opinions on the topic. So if you are reading this would you pretty please leave a comment for me. What is your definition of forgiveness? What does it look like to you? How does it feel? Thank you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
