MOODY MONDAY

2 Green I'm having a good day. I would probably be yellow if I wasn't feeling guilty about sleeping in again. I don't know what my deal is but ever since my Zoloft was increased it has been hard for me to wake up. I know that it just sounds like an excuse to be lazy, but it's not. I haven't had any problems going down on the Abilify. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I don't want to create something that isn't really there by analyzing every thought or feeling that I have.

It's going to be a busy week. We have a foreign exchange student from Germany coming to live with us for most of March. I feel a lot of anxiety over the fact that we are going to be her American experience. Hopefully we will all have a good time. I'm most worried about how dinner time will go. I already know she won't like my cooking because she is vegetarian. I guess we'll take her to the grocery store and let her get what she wants. She will go to school with Emily during the day, and after Emily graduates Emily will go to Germany for a month and live with her family. I don't think I could be so adventurous. I get nervous driving from Mesa to Phoenix:)

Anyways, have a good week. I'll be busy getting my spring cleaning done early in anticipation of our guest arriving.

Good Visit

So I talked to the NP today and she was perfectly fine letting me come down on my medication. I had to promise to go back up though if the thoughts start coming back. Hopefully I don't have any problems, but if I do I wont let myself get discouraged. Like I said I want to do this the right way so that I can have the best possible chance of a full recovery. Pray for me. Thanks! Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

4Pink I'm feeling slightly discouraged. I had therapy on Friday and I told my therapist that I want to start coming down on some of my meds and she kinda flipped out on me. She doesn't think that it would be a very good idea at this point. She said a lot of people go off there meds the second they are feeling better and then they slip back. My response to this is been there done that. I'm glad that I can look back on my blog to see where I have been and learn from past mistakes. The last time I was on medication I came off too soon and wound up with more problems than when I started. My heart is telling me that she is right and that I need to listen to the professionals. My mind is telling me that it has been a year and that I should be able to handle it without the meds now. I want to do it right this time. I see the NP tomorrow and we will be having this discussion. I guess I just want to know that there is a plan and that I have some reasonable goals set for myself.

I also told my therapist how I got sad and was crying over my issues with my mom. I asked if it was okay to still have these sad angry feelings over the situation and her answer was absolutely. She said it's called having feelings. It was kind of a light bulb moment for me. It brought a smile to my face to realize that I had felt something and that I didn't let it get out of control. My therapist thought that it was fantastic!

My homework is to type up my story that I want to share for the survivors panel that I will be on coming up at the end of March. I'll make sure to post it when I'm done. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

HApPy VaLEntiNeS DaY! I feel Yellow today! I don't really have a reason for it. I just feel really happy today despite the fact that half of the family has been sick. I ended up not going to therapy last week. My therapist was sick and had to cancel. By the time I see her this Friday it will have been 24 days since my last appointment. That's the longest I have gone without counseling since I started this journey, and for me to be yellow today is huge I think! I worked on my collage all week and got it done.

I'm happy with how it turned out. It has all the good and the bad that came with PPOCD. I know I will never be the same person, but change is good and I'm a stronger person because of it.

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

3 aqua I'm not sure what to talk about today. I'm having a hard time feeling any emotion, good or bad. While the medication I take is doing a good job at keeping away the intrusive thoughts it's also making me numb to feelings. I shouldn't be complaining since I don't like feelings anyways, and I'll take the numbness over the intrusive thoughts any day, but I think that is part of my problem. I need to allow myself to feel. Anytime something crappy has happened in my life I add it to my list of crappy things that have happened to me in my life and I push the feelings that go along with it aside. It's like I'm carrying around this backpack full of bricks and it's keeping me stuck in this cycle of depression. I'm feeling something because now I'm crying. I'm thinking about my mom. How I wish for my mom to hold me and love me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm going to try to be sensitive here because there is a chance that my mom will read this. I know that my mom wished that her mother loved her more. I know that my mom did the best that she could while I was growing up. I know that if my mom reads this she would say the same thing back to me. That she wishes I would love her for who she is and tell her everything is okay, but everything is not okay. Ultimately in the end my mom gave up on her family. She went against everything she raised me to believe in, and it has just made everything so complicated. I'm sad and angry about the whole situation. There I said what I was feeling. I love my mom and appreciate her efforts and all that she does for my family. I just wish things were different. All righty then. I didn't know that was in me today. I usually only think about that stuff around mothers day.

Everything else seems to be fine. My moods are stable. Anything under 5 is great. I'm slowly weaning myself off my nighttime meds. I don't think I need it anymore, and besides I don't like not remembering anything from the night. Like the other night I got a text at 11:30. I woke up and read the text. I talked to my husband about it, and the next morning I didn't remember a thing about it. Kinda freaked me out. Anyways have a great week. I see my therapist in the morning. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh and I find joy in going back to sleep with my husband after he takes the kids to school;)

CUTE SQUISHY BABY

I took the advice of my SIL and stole this pic off her blog to put on mine. Here I am getting some
baby love from my sweet niece Reese. She is only 5 weeks old and she is already smiling up a storm. Like I said I'm happy where I'm at. It's nice to hold these sweet babies and then give them back to their parents. Three more babies on the way. A nephew, and 2 unknown. I can't wait!