MOODY MONDAY

I played this Kelly Clarkson song for my therapist last Friday. This song reminds me of all the feelings I have associated with my parents. I'm tired of blaming my parents for my issues. My homework assignment is to take this song and go line by line and write what the negative meaning is behind each line. My therapist said she wants me to know just how much control I have given to my parents. I told her I know. She said pointing to her heart I want you to really know.

I see the NP tomorrow morning. I'm going to ask if I can try to come off one of my meds again. I tried once before to come off this one and it was recommended that I check into the hospital. I don't think it was exactly fair though because I blame it on the ADD medication that I started the same time I was weaning off the med. So we'll try again and see how it goes. Send prayers my way. Please and thank you.

I've been having some good days, so I'm going to go with YELLOW! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I just got home from my first official workout with my trainer. It didn't go so well. I'm so not use to physical activity and I embarrassingly threw up after pushing it too hard. Luckily someone got a garbage can to me just in time. My trainer felt really bad. She pointed to the other two trainers in the room and said this only happens to them. I'm supposed to be the nice trainer. It would be real easy for me to say never mind, but I'm not giving up. I go back on Wednesday to try again. This time it will only be for 30 minutes and we will go a lot slower.

I saw my therapist last Friday, and I'll see her again this Friday. It's been a long time since I've been two weeks in a row. I know awhile ago I said that I didn't need to go as often, but I think that I was just trying to escape before things got too hard for me. I've hit a wall. I know that if I want to get any better than where I'm at I'm gonna have to change some things. I realized on Friday that I still have a lot of pain associated with the choices that my parents have made and it is keeping me stuck where I'm at. My therapist asked me how long do I want to let who my parents are control me. I got tears in my eyes, but I wasn't able to answer her question, so that turned into my homework assignment. Write about and answer three questions. How long do I want to let who my parents are control me? How can I accept my parents for who they are? And what do I need to accept about them? Rarely do I show emotion, so my therapist was thrilled that she hit on something that made me cry, so we need to find out what it is about. So far I have a page and a half written. This is probably one of the most important assignments that I have been given and I'm taking it seriously. My husband laughs at me because I've been listening to my "angry music" and beating the heck out of my pillow to get in touch with my feelings. I say whatever it takes to get it out.

As for my mood I'm gonna say 5 purple. I really hate throwing up so that kinda ruined my day. No worries. I'll be fine tomorrow : ) Have a great week!

Get Down and Give Me 20!

I started seeing a personal trainer today. She was very nice. Nothing like the picture that I had in my head. Hopefully this will be the motivation I need to get in shape. I know that I will feel so much better mentally and physically by exercising. I just need a little help.

MOODY MONDAY

The first day of school was a success. I did shed a few tears sending them all off, otherwise I had a fantastic day with my husband who took the day off so we could spend our anniversary together. Love you babe!

Last week was rough for me. I struggled with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I heard of a girl in my area that committed suicide and it really hit home even though I didn't know her. We were the same age, had the same number of children, same faith, and she had postpartum psychosis. It just makes me wonder what her story was. Was she getting help for it? Did she have someone to talk to? Then the superhero in me that wants to save everyone comes out and I wonder what I can do so that this doesn't happen again. I don't have an answer, but I'm willing to figure it out. I've got lots of time on my hands : )

Went to therapy with my hubby last Friday. We talked about how I almost always attach a negative meaning to everything that happens in my life. Like when my son told the psychologist that I never go with them to Grandma's house to go swimming. All I heard was I'm a bad mom, and I was sure that that was what the psychologist was thinking too. My therapist said how bout you look at it this way. Your husband wants to spend quality time with his children and give you a little break from the kids, and shame on the psychologist if she did judge you. You are a great mom! My therapist asked where are you at because I was giving her a blank look. I told her I was upset with myself for not having this concept figured out yet. She was like oh brother and really!???? She said it's not about perfection! She then asked what I would write on my blog next and I said that I would write that my therapist yelled at me and she threw her head back yelling to the heavens always gotta be a victim! I can see how my thinking is more on the pessimistic side and with the help of my husband we are going to challenge those negative views. Having said that I will think positively and score my mood at 2 Green. not quite yellow but feeling much better than last week. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

4 pink I've had some sadness over the past week. I met with a child psychologist last week. She is going to be working with my oldest son who has had a lot of anxiety since our house was broken into last October. Meeting with her forced me to look at the past. It made me sad to realize that no matter how hard I tried to hide this illness from my family it still affected them. I can't dwell on all the things I shoulda coulda done. I can take care of me and my family today. I hope my family knows how much I love them.

I find joy in the fact that my 11 year wedding anniversary is this week, and lets not forget the first day of school which happens to fall on our anniversary. What a wonderful day Wednesday will be! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY on a Tuesday

I was a little under the weather yesterday with a bladder infection, but I'm feeling much better today :) One more week before school starts! I don't know if I should cry or jump up and down for joy. I think there will probably be a little bit of both. I know that I've mentioned this before but the beginning of the school year is the anniversary for me of when my PPOCD really kicked in full swing. It's been a long 5 years but I wouldn't change any of it. Well maybe if I could change one thing it would be to have gotten help when it first started, but even then I learned a lot about myself during the two years that I was silent. Faith in my savior Jesus Christ was key in my getting through those two years. There came a point though that I didn't want to just suffer and endure through it anymore. I knew that I couldn't be the wife and mother that I wanted to be by staying silent. My family deserved better. I'm proud of how far I've come. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but I know that I will get there. Have a great week! Oh dear I almost forgot to tell you where I'm at today. Yellow!