I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH!!!

Checking In

I am doing good. I did have to increase my meds due to extra stress and physical pain. Hopefully as the stress subsides so will the pain, and then I can go back down. Therapy is going well. We don't talk very much about sex, but it is fascinating how everything we do talk about ties right back into intimacy. I am seeing lots of improvement in myself and our relationship. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my girlies at Time Out For Women. Then on Monday Rob and I are both speaking at a training about our experience with PPOCD. I'm looking forward to hearing his side of the story. I don't think I would have been strong enough to hear it 6 months ago. Anyways that's my update. Have a great weekend!

Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love, Get Down Tonight

We had our first session together with Dr. Gold Thursday morning. It went so well we were back in her office Friday morning. Rob and I are fighting for an emotional connection. We love each other so much that neither one of us wants to say or do anything that could possibly hurt one another. That has prevented us from really being able to feel close to each other. In the past when we have had to have a serious conversation we have learned that it isn't safe to share our feelings with each other because it only causes the other person pain. We basically don't know how to talk to each other. This book is going to teach us how to do that.

It doesn't really matter what you are talking about. It's how you talk about it. Having a conversation is like dancing. For Rob and I we barely get one step in and the dance is over. So after our session on Thursday we attempted to have a conversation and it blew up in our face, and we were like this is why we don't talk to each other. We both wanted to give up. Long story short we are not giving up. We talked more Thursday night about how we feel stuck and now what do we do. We had intimate relations at 3 in the morning as a way for me to show Rob that I am not going to shut down like I would have in the past, and that I am in this 100%. We were back in Dr. Gold's office Friday morning ready to try again. She helped walk us through the conversation we were trying to have the day before and I think made a lot of things clearer to us as to how to communicate more effectively. We left feeling so much better. Yay!

Back to School

I was not expecting a reaction this morning sending the kids off for their first day of school. I am anxious and feeling really alone :(

Yellow Yellow Yellow

 We just got home from a week long vacation. We had an amazing time. We went to Oregon to visit my grandparents, and then we drove down the coast through Eureka California where I lived for the first 5 years of my life. It's funny how I miss everything about this area even though I was barely old enough to remember most of it. It just brought me great joy to be there again. The Redwoods are awesomely beautiful!

 

Things are going really good with the new therapist. The last time I went we started EMDR. One of the first parts of EMDR is creating a safe place in your mind where you can go when you start to feel like you are going to freak out. I tried EMDR with the last therapist but I wasn't able to ever really find my safe place so we never continued on with EMDR. I hear EMDR can be stressful because you revisit the unpleasant things that have happened in your life so it's important to have a safe place. When my son went to therapy for the trauma he had associated with the break in he did EMDR and it worked for him. I had to really create my own place that felt safe to me. I started with just being in the mountains surrounded by pine trees and the sounds and smells that go along with being there. Then my therapist had me put on some headphones and hold these little buzzers one in each hand. I would hear a tone in my ear and feel a buzz in my hand. Left side then right. It would go back and forth. I was in charge of the speed and volume. My therapist talked while this was going on. She talked about my safe place. My job was to focus and just try to be in my safe place. After a few minutes she would turn off the noise and buzzing and we would talk about what thoughts and feelings were popping into my mind. My safe place would change a little with each little session until I truly felt safe. It has evolved even more since then. Because I am so visual and I like to be creative I made a collage of my safe place. It's a combination of a lot of things. This place only exists in my head and no one else can be there without my permission. Anyways I don't quite know how to describe EMDR or how it works and you are probably thinking it sounds like a bunch of voodoo, so google it if you want more information.

And since I am working on my sexuality I thought I'd share a couple of sites that have been helpful for me. Growing up LDS you are taught that sex is a sacred beautiful thing that is reserved for after marriage. You go from no no no to yes yes yes. No one ever tells you about the yes part. Ya there are some LDS books on intimacy you can read but those are all pretty bland and didn't answer my questions. Over the last couple of months I came across a couple of blogs written by LDS therapists. ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com and patheos.com. On the patheos website search for mormon therapist and all of her posts will come up. If you have questions about sex and you are like me and you don't want to actually have to talk to someone about it these are a couple of great sites to go to.

What I've Really Been Up To

So something I didn't tell you about my new therapist is that she also specializes in sex therapy, and that is why I am seeing her. Out of respect for me, my husband, and our marriage I'm not going to go into details on here. About 9 years ago my OB/GYN suggested that I see a sex therapist, and I was like no way! Because this is how I kinda pictured what a sex therapist would be.

Meet Ina "Laughing" Winds

A little too much for me! Years went by. Had two more babies. Depression, anxiety, PPOCD, blah, blah, blah, and blah. Sex therapy was the last thing on my mind. Well over the last several months it has been on my mind so I brought it up with my PPD therapist and she said go for it. It is time to deal with these other issues. So I started searching on line for someone who would be a good fit for me, and I think I've found her.

Meet Dr. Lisa Gold

She is 2 miles down the road from where I live, and we have the same beliefs. We have only met once so far, but I totally feel like she understands where I am coming from. Everything she said made so much sense, and she is confident that she can help us.

So there you have it. I'm not going to be seeing the PPD therapist anymore unless I absolutely have to. She says it gets too messy seeing 2 therapists at the same time, and that there really isn't a whole lot more work for her to do with me anyways. I'm proud of the progress I have made over the last 2 years. I am in a place where I can finally say that I feel like I have recovered from PPOCD. I didn't think that would ever happen.  I will continue to go to the PPD support group to give support to other mom's, and I love volunteering for the warmline. Educating others on Perinatal Mood Disorders will always be my passion!

Have a great week!

Oh Mr. Sandman . . . .

Well I can add therapist #5 to my mental health resume. I started seeing someone this week who has a doctorate in marriage and family therapy to help me deal with some issues that I have. I learned in that one appointment that things that happened in my life along time ago are still impacting my life today. Things that I thought for sure I had taken care of with the other 4 therapists. It all made a lot of sense though what she was telling me this week. It just goes to show how important it is when seeking help to find someone that really specializes in what you are needing help with. Therapists are not all the same! I definitely learned that with my experience with PPOCD. I will continue to see my current therapist along with the new one and they will work together to coordinate my care.

I feel like I'm doing well, but I haven't been sleeping good for the past few weeks. I hope to get that figured out soon. I was in my closet organizing shoes at 4 AM yesterday morning because I couldn't sleep. Not acceptable. I need my sleep.

Yay for summer vacation starting today! I'm looking forward to a little less structure! I'm sure in a few weeks though I'll be counting down the days still school starts again!

Have  fabulous day! Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend!

MOODY MONDAY!

I saw the therapist and the NP a couple weeks ago. I was able to write everything down and express myself well as to how I have been feeling lately. They both agreed that maybe it would be good to switch meds. So over the past two weeks I have been weaning off one drug while starting another. I'm not sure what to think yet. I've been feeling pretty unstable since Friday. I think it has something to do with the Xanax though and not the new med. I put a call into the NP today and I should hear back from her tomorrow so that we can talk about it. I feel okay today, but I think that's because I took a Xanax yesterday. I think that I've taken it so regularly over the past month that my body has become dependent on it. I was supposed to see my therapist today and she had to call and cancel again. She had no voice. I could hardly understand her over the phone. Hopefully she is well enough to see me this Friday.

So despite feeling unstable I think I'm doing well. I know that med changes can be rough and it will take awhile to get everything where it should be. Until then I'm just trying to stay positive and be proactive. 5 purple

Have a great week!

Medicated

I have taken more Xanax in the past two weeks than I have in the last year. Too many things happened all at the same time that were out of my control. I'm kinda a control freak, and when I feel like I don't have control I start to get a little crazy. I was very much looking forward to talking about it with my therapist and then she called and canceled our appointment two hours before I was supposed to see her. Needless to say by the end of the day my hair was blue! Hair therapy works for me. It gives me a sense of control. I figured this out when I was sixteen years old. It was the day my parents sat me and my brother down and told us that my dad had cheated on my mom. That night I went to my Sunday school teachers home and asked her to chop off my hair. It felt really good! High school was extremely stressful for me and so my hair was always really really short. I hadn't figured out yet that I could just color my hair for the same effect.

I spoke to both the NP and my therapist this week, and will see them both next week. My moods have been anywhere between a 4 and a 9. I want to switch my meds, but I'm not feeling a whole lot of support on that idea, so we will see what happens.

Have a great weekend, and a Happy Easter! I'm gonna work on keeping the heart rate down, the head clear, and focusing on the meaning of Easter.

Good Morning Mom Kisses Bring Me Joy

I know its been awhile. I had to remind myself that this blog has been a form of journaling for me and I need to keep it up regardless of how I am feeling.

First up. There has been a lot of stress over the health of my son. The one with the freckles :) He had a mole removed at the beginning of January. The doctor called to let us know that they think it is something called a spitz nevus. The problem with spitz nevus is that it looks just like cancer, but good news is it doesn't behave like cancer. Bad news we have to cut open his arm and take out the area under the mole to see how deep this goes and hopefully get a more accurate diagnosis. So at the end of January we had that done and as you can see it was quite the cut for such a small thing. The doctor called back a couple of weeks later. Unfortunately the specialist in these types of moles is unable to make a diagnosis. He just can not tell for sure if it is spitz or melanoma. Of course I am like what do you mean you can't tell if my kid has cancer! The doctor also said that while they are pretty sure that they got it all out the specialist recommended a deeper cut to make sure there aren't any of those cells left in there. So we will be doing it all over again next Tuesday. Tanner has been so good! He cries a little while they numb it up, but other than that he just lets the doctor do his thing. I took Tanner to his regular pediatrician and they did some blood work just to make sure there wasn't anything else going on and that all came back fine so I am feeling a lot better about the whole situation.



Next up was a couple of Chicago Cubs spring training games where nice tributes were made to my Father in Law. Definitely emotional days for us but so nice to be with family and get to see others pay tribute to the amazing person my Father in Law is. I can't believe he has been gone for five months now. We sure do miss him!



My brother Craig returned home from his mission to New Jersey last week. We are happy to have him back home with us. The kids have really missed him and love having him back!

I would be lying if I said that these last couple of months haven't affected me. I am struggling to keep it all together. When Craig left on his mission I was pregnant. I should have a one year old now and instead the two year anniversary of my miscarriage is today. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I started to have fears that I was about to hallucinate. So I took a Xanax. No need to feel like that all day! The day got better. I spoke to a mom on the warmline for about an hour. It helped me to feel better about how far I have come and she said it was helpful for her too. Also made me grateful for my husband. Seriously there needs to be a My Husband is a Jerk hotline! I ended my day by spending a couple of hours in the Temple. My sister and her fiance went through for the first time last night. They will be getting married this Saturday. I love the peace I feel from being in the Temple!




Let me introduce you to Dr. Christina Hibbert. Since she isn't my Dr. I just call her Christi. She is an amazing psychologist who practices in Flagstaff. If my therapist didn't work out down here I would have totally driven the three hours to get the right kind of care! I just came across her new website and blog drchristinahibbert.com. There is a lot of good stuff on there. Go check it out and leave her a comment. Oh, and you can like her on facebook too. I can't wait to read her book! Christi is the first person I reached out to two years ago when I realized I was in trouble. She has done amazing things for women and families in the state of AZ.

Make it a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

So I know it has been awhile and my mom is worried that I'm not doing well, but I think it is a good thing. I'm not constantly checking and wondering where I am at. I'm going to have to rethink whether or not I need Moody Monday anymore. I am YELLOW in case you were wondering. I took a little trip down to Tucson on Friday with my amazing mother-in-law. I went to share my story at a training on perinatal mood disorders. My cousin Tiffany who lives in Tucson also came to watch me. So I had my own little audience! I didn't know she was going to do this, but my MIL recorded me when it was my turn. I hate watching and hearing myself on video, but I know there are several people that would like to see this so I will put it on here, and like I've said before I just hope that my story will help other moms not be afraid to reach out and talk to someone and get help when they are suffering. It was so not worth holding on to all that pain just because I was embarrassed and afraid of what people would think of me. It does get better! You are not alone!