One more month

The NP is giving me one more month to pull my stuff together. I told her that I just wasn't willing to go back on the med yet. She said she is confident that I can do this, but I need to be confident in myself. I promised to call her if it keeps getting worse. She also brought up ADD again and I was like hello we have talked about this before and you put me on that medicine and it did horrible things to me no thank you. Besides the idea is for me to come off the meds not add new ones. She agreed.

I had a meltdown on Wednesday. I've had high anxiety for over a week, and it got worse with trying to do my homework assignment. I called my therapist crying like a baby. I said I don't think I can do this homework. I'm not in a good place right now with trying to come off the med. She said don't do the homework. Then we talked about what my plan was going to be. I can't just sit at home and wallow in my stuff. She said get out of the house, go walk around Target, do something to nurture and take care of yourself. Walking around Target was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did agree to call my friend Crystal for some support. I called Crystal still crying and she offered to come over for a visit. So that was nice and it helped me to calm down. Yesterday was a little bit better. I had to force myself out of the house. I was literally sick to my stomach leaving the house. I went to the mall for some retail therapy and then I went and got a pedicure. Usually those things are fun for me to do, but yesterday it was just hard. I never would have thought that I would have to force myself to shop and get a pedicure. Today has been a lot better. I worked out which I haven't done in over a week, and then I got to babysit three of my nephews. One of which is a sweet little baby. Well they are all sweet, but it was nice to get some baby love.

Anyways I feel like I'm getting stronger each day, so I'm thankful for that. I know I can do it! Have a great weekend!

MOODY MONDAY

3 aqua. I'm tired. I was up way too late last night. I couldn't shut off my brain. I was nervous about my appointment with my mom this morning. I think it went well. We had so much fun that we are going to do it again in a month. I'm thankful that my mom is willing to do this for me. My homework assignment is to write about what the devastation of my family falling apart has cost me.

I see the NP tomorrow. If I'm honest then I will tell her that I feel like I'm slipping, but I really don't want to go back on the medication. I want to give myself a chance to do this without the med. We'll see what she has to say.

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

Yellow! Its been a long busy day. I'm thankful for the busy part. It was nice to not have time to get lost in my thoughts. I got to play with the cutest 1 year old today. Her mom just had surgery and isn't able to pick her up for the next 4 weeks, so I went over to help out where I could. It was nice to visit with my friend and get some toddler love at the same time. I love that age!

I'm looking forward to going to group tomorrow. Our group has really been growing lately. There is one mom in particular that I'm praying for. She has PPOCD and has really been struggling. I wish I knew all the right words to say to make her feel better. But when you are smack in the middle of this illness you really don't believe what other people try to tell you. You just want it to be over. You want to be better yesterday! Being a mom is one of the most amazing things you can do, and it stinks that some moms get dealt the perinatal mood disorder card. It just plain stinks, but I'm here to tell you that you will get better. It's gonna be okay.

Alright it's time for me to get in bed. I'll get off my soapbox. Have a great week! Oh and for the most part I find joy in helping my kids do their homework : )

My therapist says that the ball is in my court. It's up to me to choose if I'm going to do things differently. Um different would be the goal. I know I have all the "tools" to help me change. It's just that change is hard and from my experience it is often painful. Why would I want to sign up for that? I'll tell you why. Because I love my family and I want to be there for them. They deserve to have the best me.

MOODY MONDAY

YELLOW Life is good. I'm just trying to stay busy during the day. It helps that I workout three days a week. That takes up my whole morning. I seem to be doing well coming off my med. Although I'm not sleeping as well as I would like, so I will need to keep an eye on that.

Next month I get the opportunity to speak on a panel at another perinatal mood disorder training conference. I'm so excited to share my story again. I have had this picture hanging up in my room from the Kelly Rae Roberts collection for over a year now. It is a good reminder to me to tell my story and more importantly believe in healing. I still have moments where I feel like I am never going to be completely whole again and then I remember to have faith in the process and to believe in healing. It has already gotten so much better and I know if I continue to push myself and do the work I will keep progressing.

This week is therapy with the husband. I'm looking forward to it. It should be a good one. My husband is a trooper and I think that therapy has been helpful for us as a couple. I hope he feels the same way. I'm also looking forward to having my mom join me on the couch in a couple of weeks. I think it will be a positive experience for both of us. If anyone else wants to join me and my therapist for 40 minutes of pure enjoyment just let me know : )

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY on a Tuesday

I hope you had a fantastic Labor Day weekend! Mine was very quiet. My husband took the kids up north while I stayed home to enjoy some time to myself. Truth is I should have gone with my family. Being alone wasn't as fun as I was hoping it would be. Oh well. It's done. Lesson learned.

I saw my therapist today and felt a little beat up. I really don't feel like talking about it, but I will say that I think I am going to take my mom up on her offer to go to therapy with me. My only concern is that the relationship we have will get worse by doing this. My therapist said your mom is not an idiot. She isn't expecting this to be a picnic. She wants to help you though. I'm willing to try anything. I can use all the help I can get.

I talked to the NP and she agreed to let me try to come off one of my meds. So far so good. I'm still taking a small dose every other day to wean off of it.

As for my mood I'm gonna say 4 pink. Earlier today I would have said 6 brown but I'm feeling a lot better so I'll stay on the positive side. Have a great week!