MOODY MONDAY

SCHOOLS OUT! Yea for summer! Even better is the color YELLOW! So far so good on the Deplin. My mind feels clearer. I started keeping a thought journal so that I can better track how often the intrusive thoughts are happening, what they are about, and how they make me feel. I've never really tracked them before, and my therapist and the NP always ask how are the thoughts, and I don't think I've ever given them an accurate answer to that question. Hopefully by doing this we will all have a better look at what is really happening in my brain. I thought that the thoughts would increase if I was watching out for them, but so far it has shown me that they aren't as often or severe as they used to be. Out of the last six days I've had two days without any thoughts. The other four days I had 1-2 thoughts a day, and out of all those thoughts only two really bothered me. The two that bothered me were accompanied with mental images while the rest of the thoughts were not. So if I can stop the thought before it gets to the mental image stage then my anxiety doesn't increase and I'm able to not let the thought affect me. All good things to know.

Have a wonderful week! Oh and I found joy in having some alone time while my husband took the kids up north for the weekend. Bless my husband he really knows how to have a good time with the kids. Thanks babe. I love you!

MOODY MONDAY

5 purple. I've never had a purple Monday before. It's not bad. I just honestly don't know how I'm feeling today. It could go either way, so I picked the middle. I'm coming off a frustrating week for myself. I saw the NP this morning and I told her I'm ready to be done with everything. I want to be well. I want to get past this part of my life. I guess what I'm wondering is if i can move past it, but still be able to help others get through it. Or if doing things like the warmline and going to support groups just keeps me stuck in it. There's no question in my mind that I want to be able to do what I can to raise awareness about this illness. I just want to do what is going to be best for me.

So after I politely told the NP I was tired of coming to see her and all the med changes, we decided to add a new med:) It's called Deplin. It's considered a medical food whatever that means. Look it up if you want. It's kind of interesting. It's basically just folate. I've read some good things about it. Fingers are crossed that this is the extra kick in the butt that I need. I see my therapist tomorrow morning which I'm sure will also involve some butt kicking:)

I'm finding joy in kisses from my six year old. I don't even have to ask for them. First thing in the morning he runs up to me and gives me a hug and kiss, and then I try to eat the freckles right off his face. Warms my heart! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

Hello Yellow! I had a pretty good week. My husband and I went to our first therapy appointment together. I was worried that he was going to say some things that would be hard for me to hear, but he didn't have to say very much. He sat back while my therapist really let me have it. I don't mind when she beats me up. It just makes me fight that much harder to get better. It takes me a couple of days to process what happens in therapy, so a couple of days after the session I realized I didn't really like what she had to say to me, so I emailed her and let her know how I was feeling. She replied I could almost see you yelling at me, good job! She likes to tease that it is her goal to get me to yell in a session. I tend to not show emotion of any kind. I think a lot of people misunderstand me because of my lack emotion. My homework assignment is to pay attention to others facial expressions and how it relates to the way they are feeling. I also have to practice making my own faces in the mirror. Happy face :) Sad face :( Angry face :{ Scared face :o. I feel pretty silly, but it's a good thing for me to figure out.

I can't believe school is almost out. I'm very much looking forward to summer vacation. It will be nice to not have to worry about waking up in the morning. I should say nice for my husband. He's the one getting up with the boys and getting them ready for school. In the fall all 3 kids will be in school! Hallelujah the day is almost here. Not that I don't love my kids because I do very much. It will just be good for them to have their time and me to have mine.

Happy Monday!

MOODY MONDAY

4 Pink Its been a little up and down for the past few days. I've been irritable and tired even though I'm getting enough sleep and I have no reason to be cranky. I put in a call to the NP to see if she wants to adjust anything. I'm only taking two different meds right now and they are both low doses so maybe something just needs to be bumped up a little bit. Enough of that.

I had a wonderful Mothers Day! At church they gave all the mothers a book with questions that they asked all the kids and the answers that they gave. Here are the answers that my kids gave.

If your mom could have one wish, what would she wish for? Mason-1,000,000 purses, Tanner-hugs and kisses from me, Gemma-to love me

How does your mom make you feel special? Mason-she feeds me, Tanner-she takes me to the store, Gemma-she gives me a treat

What is your mom's favorite thing to say? Mason-do your homework, Tanner-what do you want for your birthday, Gemma-don't touch anything

What have you learned from your mom? Mason-to be good, Tanner-how to ride my bike in the street, Gemma-how to read

What is your favorite thing to do for your mom? Mason-do stuff, Tanner-give her a present, Gemma-clean up

What is your favorite thing about your mom? Mason-she's awesome, Tanner-that she is mine, Gemma-I love to hug her

If your mom could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? Mason-Alaska, Tanner-her bathroom, Gemma-to church

What is your mom's favorite thing to do? Mason-shopping, Tanner-making stuff with wood and painting it, Gemma-clean her room

If you could buy something for your mom, what would it be? Mason-the titanic, Tanner-a toy piggy, Gemma-a new tv

Anyways warms my heart to be the mother of these amazing children. Have a fantastic week!

Hope

I signed up for something called daily hope over at Postpartumprogress.com a month or so ago. I love this website and I love getting a daily email with encouraging supportive words. Today's daily hope really hit home for me.


"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts." ~ Marcus Aurelius

"Only nine words and this quote says so much. The first thing I think of when I read it is my intrusive thoughts and how they were so painful that they really did feel like they were crushing my soul, altering it forever in some way. The second thing I think of, though, is the fact that we have the power to affect the impact our thoughts have on us. We feel them, yes, but we can also learn to manage them. We can learn mindfulness, we can learn cognitive behavioral techniques, and we can do whatever it takes to make sure they don't use permanent dye by understanding that they come from our illness and do not reflect our true nature as human beings."- Katherine Stone

Three weeks ago I learned just how powerful the mind can be. I could not stop the thoughts and I felt like at any moment I was going to slip into a hallucination. It literally felt like I was about to check out of life and it was scary. I also learned that I am stronger than my thoughts. I was able to hang on and be mindful of all the circumstances surrounding the way I was feeling. I have come out of this experience with a sense of strength in myself. My thoughts do not reflect who I am and I am going to beat this stupid illness!!

Have a fantastic weekend!

MOODY MONDAY Wednesday Edition

I AM YELLOW! Gray to yellow in 2 weeks. Yay me! I had a wonderful time at woman's conference last week. On the flight up I sat next to my therapist from 16 years ago who just happened to be going to woman's conference too. It was nice to visit with her and catch her up on all that has happened in my life since seeing her last. I also had a good time staying with my cousin Robyn. She just had a baby a little over a month ago, and it was nice to get me some baby lovin and to visit with her family. My favorite quote from conference was "keep it small, keep it simple, give it time." It's a good reminder to keep doing the small and simple things, be patient, and great things will come to pass.

If there's one thing I've learned from PPOCD it is patience. I mean really its been almost five years. I've definitely given it some time. I continue to learn and grow through this process. I can see the blessings that have come out of this trial and I know great things will continue to happen for me. Another good quote from conference is " In the end everything will be okay, and if it isn't okay then it isn't the end."

Thanks again to everyone who has reached out to me. I can feel your love and support. I have been able to recover quite well and quickly from where I was at 2 1/2 weeks ago. Happy Wednesday!