MOODY MONDAY

4 Pink Yay for feeling so much better. It was a long week, but a good one. I've been able to stay busy and not lay around marinating in thoughts all day. I have a busy week planned. Tomorrow I will see the NP again. Hopefully not too many changes will be made. Then I'm going out to lunch with a friend from the support group I attend. Then Wednesday I'm packing my bags and taking off to Utah to attend Woman's Conference at BYU for the third year in a row. I love love love my husband for letting me take this time for myself. Its always been a positive experience for me and I can really use it this time around. I will miss my girlfriends that have come with me in the past. My thoughts and prayers will be back home with my friend whose mother passed away yesterday. I'm going to be staying with one of my fabulous cousins, and I look forward to spending some time with her and her family. Everyone take care and have a wonderful week. Happy Monday!

It's Gonna Be OK

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. I saw this on a church sign and it made me smile. I saw my therapist today and we talked about all that has been happening for me over the past few weeks. She said there were just too many stressors that occured all at the same time. She asked if we could just look at this experience as the perfect storm and move past it. We don't need to dwell on all that has happened. I don't want to fall so far back that I lose everything that I have worked towards over the last year. I need to own what is mine and keep moving forward. Things to work on over the next couple of weeks. DO NOT MARINATE IN THE THOUGHTS! Keep track of destructive thoughts and turn them into helpful thoughts. Keep talking to my husband. Get rid of the ADD med. I told her that I really liked the way it made me feel, and she said that's because it's like taking speed. She said when you get home you need to dispose of the med and then call and tell me that you did it. She didn't want me to have that temptation of taking any more of it. Anyways, I'm picking up the pieces and putting me back together. I'm back to heading in the right direction. Happy Wednesday!

MOODY MONDAY part two

I just wanted to get back on here and let you know that I'm feeling a lot better. I'd like to end my day at a 6 brown. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me today. I have really felt the love. Thank you especially to my mom who showed up this morning with tulips and dark chocolate. She left her job to come spend the day with me. She did my dishes, scrubbed my kitchen floor and who knows what else she did. We ate lunch together. We talked. We played scrabble. I won. It was a good day. I had a lot easier time controlling my thoughts today. I feel myself getting stronger with each day that I'm not taking that medication. I love you all! Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

9 gray Turns out I'm just not compatible with certain medications. I'm really quite angry that I've had this big setback. I was doing so well, and now I'm fighting like crazy just to keep my head above water. I'm tired. I spoke to my therapist on Tuesday and I will see her in 2 days. I saw the NP on Thursday and we are switching around some meds and she also recommended that I check myself into a behavioral health hospital for 5 days to make sure I'm safe. When she asked me if I would like her to put me in the hospital, inside my head I was screaming yes, but I just shook my head no. What about my family, my husband? Who would watch the kids? What would people think about me? That would be a lot of money! I think that I am strong enough to not do anything stupid. I'm just sooooo tired of fighting. I've come so far. I can't stop fighting now, and I won't! This is just a bump in the road. Things will smoothe out and I will be fine. Until then I'll just keep hanging on. I can do this!

MOODY MONDAY

6 Brown My anxiety has been through the roof over the past week and it's wearing me down. I've called my therapist. I've emailed my therapist, and I'll probably call her again before the week is over. I can feel myself slipping backwards and I'm just trying to hang on. I've been using my tools. Thought records, deep breathing, trying to stay present, and talking to my husband. That last one is kinda tricky. I know that my husband wants to understand what I'm going through, but at the same time it just stresses him out and makes him feel like a useless husband. Which completely is not the case!!! Are you hearing me babe? I have the greatest husband in the whole wide world. I don't know anyone that could handle our situation with as much patience and love as my husband does. Before my husband left for work today he said I'm sorry that your life stinks. That made me sad, and I tried to explain that my life does not stink. I know that I have a great life! I have 5 incredible kids, and an amazing husband. My life is good, and I'm even happy for the most part. It's just this darn anxiety is killing me. It's probable that my new medication has increased the anxiety. I'll be seeing the NP on Thursday to discuss it and undoubtedly there will be a change made to my meds. For now I'll just keep on breathing and try to stay busy. Have a happy Monday!

Sad day

So yesterday I went to group and found out that one of the other moms tried to take her own life over the weekend. My heart breaks for my friend. We shared our stories together at the training last week and it was just to much for her to handle. She wasn't ready. I wish there was something that I could say that would make her feel better. Sometimes I feel like I should be able to save the universe and yesterday was one of those days. It caused me a lot of sadness and anxiety knowing that I have no control over the universe and that the only person I can really save is myself. I started to doubt whether or not I should be telling my story. In sharing my story I want to help other women, but I feel like maybe my story is more discouraging than encouraging. Especially for someone who is suffering they probably don't want to hear that I have been struggling for five years. I started to blame myself for my friends actions. I had to call my therapist to process through my thoughts. She was like REALLY you want to take that on yourself it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I could hear her eyes rolling over the phone. I knew that my thoughts were irrational. I think that what was happening for me was that I was having normal sad feelings and I just didn't know what to do with them. Feelings are not my specialty:) Anyways I'm feeling better today although I am a little anxious because my husband is going to be talking to my therapist tonight on the phone. I'm realizing that for the past year it has been all about me, and maybe now it is time to be about us as a couple. I think it would be good for us to have some sessions together. If there is one thing that I learned at the training it is that perinatal mood disorders affect the entire family, not just the mom. I feel lucky that my husband is willing and wants to talk about his experience. I think it will be good for both of us. Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2 Green I would just like to start out by saying how much fun I had at the two day training on perinatal mood disorders. It was awesome to be in a room full of people dedicated to the well being of moms in the state of Arizona. Telling my story went well. A year ago I never would have thought that I would be talking to a group of sixty people about my intrusive thoughts and most personal moments of my life. If my story can help others than I'm happy to tell it. I'm going to join the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition where I will be able to help raise awareness in the community about perinatal mood disorders. All good things happening around here. I had therapy today. I'm down to only going once a month now. We talked about how that makes me nervous to go so long, but she says I'm doing well and that I need to believe in myself. I told her that I feel like the PPOCD is never going to be completely gone and she compared it to her daughter that has wavy hair. Her daughter hates her hair and wishes it was strait. She said my daughter has a choice. All she has to do is use a blow dryer and her hair will go straight. Similarly all I need to do is use the tools that I have learned in therapy to fight this. I know that I will have bad days. I need to not marinate in the sadness of a bad day and just keep pushing forward. Deep down I know that PPOCD wont be forever. One things for sure I will never be the same person. I will be better and stronger than I was before this experience. Have a fabulous week!