Moody Monday

So it has been awhile. I had a couple of rough weeks and I resorted to old coping skills. I kept silent and didn't tell anyone what was going on. I didn't feel like blogging because I didn't want to bother anyone with my troubles. I should know better by now that that doesn't work out very well for me. I'm past all that now and back on track. Today I am YELLOW! I had a wonderful Christmas yesterday and enjoyed the time that I got to spend with
family. I'm looking forward to this week! My husband is taking the whole week off so we can have some family time.


My fabulous SIL over at craftifyit.blogspot.com made me this wonderful sign for Christmas. It's the theme of my blog and I love it!!! It is going to hang in my room.


I also got a little something from my Mom. I'm super excited to have an iPad!!! I'm having fun figuring everything out and getting all my apps on it. My husband says now I will never have to get out of bed. Ha Ha!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas! Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

Okay I'm back! I just needed some time to think and process everything that has happened over the last month, and it didn't feel right to put a color to it. The funeral service was beautiful! My husband and all his siblings did a wonderful job at speaking and giving tribute to their Dad. We all miss him so much!

2 Green I have been doing pretty well. I've seen my therapist once a week for the past 3 weeks. Once with my husband. Once with my mom, and once for myself. The husband and I are good. She doesn't feel like we really need to go together anymore. If my mom is willing to go back then there is probably more stuff to work on. My therapist was pretty straightforward with my mom on some things last time. I'm use to my therapist. That's why I love her, but I'm not sure what my mom thought of the whole session. I saw my therapist today and she said that it was very impressive the way I was able to communicate with my mom last week. She also said this is the most stable I have been ever!

So things are moving along as they should be. My homework assignment is for both me and my husband. Since we both feel like our family isn't complete we are to pray to find out how Heavenly Father would want us to go about adding to our family. I know my therapist would push for us to adopt. I also know she is just doing her job. She has to tell me the risks. I told her adoption would be a lot of hard work. She held up my file and said you have been coming here since March 31st 2010 and then she asked me has this been hard work? She said you do not want to lose all this work you have done. I know I have a lot of thinkin and prayin to do, and I don't take this decision lightly.

Have a fantastic week with those you love! Happy Thanksgiving!

MOODY MONDAY

I'm not going to give a color to my mood today. I honestly don't know how I would rate where I am at. The last few days have been very sad for our family. One of the greatest men I have ever known, my father in law, passed away suddenly at work on Friday. It broke my heart to sit down with our children and tell them that their grandpa had died. My husband did a wonderful job at bearing his testimony to our kids about the knowledge that we have that grandpa is in heaven and that we will see him again someday. I love this man with all my heart. I have known him for half of my life. He was like a second Dad to all of my brothers and sisters. He raised my brother Brian as if he was his own son. He was such a great example to all that he came in contact with and he will be greatly missed.



This is a picture of all the grandchildren that we had framed for grandpa's 60th birthday just over a week ago. He was so proud of all his grandchildren. My father in law is an avid Chicago Cubs fan so we had these t-shirts made for the kids to wear. It says Grandpa's Favorite Cubs. Grandpa loved these kids so much and we pray that they will be able to hang on to the memories that they have with their grandpa.

I'm so thankful for the knowledge that I have that families are together forever! Love you Dad!

MOODY MONDAY

I'm great! YELLOW! I had a fantastic week with my family during Fall Break. I'm so looking forward to crafting with friends on Friday. Today I got my story typed up for the Perinatal Mood Disorder training conference coming up next week. I'm looking forward to speaking on the panel again. I invited my mother in law to come with me. I don't know how much of my story she knows. If she reads my blog she hasn't told me she does. Lately she has shown an interest in knowing about what I've been through. I figured this would be a good way to let her know where I've been over the last five years. Should be a good time. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

It feels good to be YELLOW once again. It has been awhile. I'm feeling strong. Friday was a beautiful day for my brother to get married. I'm so happy for him and his new wife.

Aren't they so cute together? I'm so thankful for my in-laws who have raised my brother for the past six years. They did an amazing job.

I love this time of year! I'm looking forward to the holidays and the cooler weather. I'm also looking forward to crafting. I'm going to make this


this

and this



I can't wait! Check out www.notsupersaturday.blogspot.com orders are due tomorrow. Have a great week!

Doing Better

I just wanted to get on here and say that I'm feeling a lot better today. I went to group then out to lunch with some girls from group. I was able to gather my thoughts and I emailed them to my therapist. She responded positively. All is well. I have a voice! It might take me 24 hours to find it, but it is there.

MOODY MONDAY

7 orange I wish I could say that I'm orange for Halloween. I'm feeling really discouraged and hopeless today. I saw my therapist this morning and it didn't go well. She was like why are we even here. She says that I'm sabotaging myself. She says that I'm going back to my old coping skills and I'm not using my tools. She said that I need to get assertive and stop being the victim. She wants to try doing the EMDR therapy on me again. She said she is going to push me harder than I've ever been pushed before. I left the office feeling sick to my stomach and with my anxiety level at a 7. I've just tried to stay busy today and not think about it too much. My brother is getting married on Friday, so this week is going to be busy. Hopefully that will help me push through this week. Have a great week!

One more month

The NP is giving me one more month to pull my stuff together. I told her that I just wasn't willing to go back on the med yet. She said she is confident that I can do this, but I need to be confident in myself. I promised to call her if it keeps getting worse. She also brought up ADD again and I was like hello we have talked about this before and you put me on that medicine and it did horrible things to me no thank you. Besides the idea is for me to come off the meds not add new ones. She agreed.

I had a meltdown on Wednesday. I've had high anxiety for over a week, and it got worse with trying to do my homework assignment. I called my therapist crying like a baby. I said I don't think I can do this homework. I'm not in a good place right now with trying to come off the med. She said don't do the homework. Then we talked about what my plan was going to be. I can't just sit at home and wallow in my stuff. She said get out of the house, go walk around Target, do something to nurture and take care of yourself. Walking around Target was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did agree to call my friend Crystal for some support. I called Crystal still crying and she offered to come over for a visit. So that was nice and it helped me to calm down. Yesterday was a little bit better. I had to force myself out of the house. I was literally sick to my stomach leaving the house. I went to the mall for some retail therapy and then I went and got a pedicure. Usually those things are fun for me to do, but yesterday it was just hard. I never would have thought that I would have to force myself to shop and get a pedicure. Today has been a lot better. I worked out which I haven't done in over a week, and then I got to babysit three of my nephews. One of which is a sweet little baby. Well they are all sweet, but it was nice to get some baby love.

Anyways I feel like I'm getting stronger each day, so I'm thankful for that. I know I can do it! Have a great weekend!

MOODY MONDAY

3 aqua. I'm tired. I was up way too late last night. I couldn't shut off my brain. I was nervous about my appointment with my mom this morning. I think it went well. We had so much fun that we are going to do it again in a month. I'm thankful that my mom is willing to do this for me. My homework assignment is to write about what the devastation of my family falling apart has cost me.

I see the NP tomorrow. If I'm honest then I will tell her that I feel like I'm slipping, but I really don't want to go back on the medication. I want to give myself a chance to do this without the med. We'll see what she has to say.

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

Yellow! Its been a long busy day. I'm thankful for the busy part. It was nice to not have time to get lost in my thoughts. I got to play with the cutest 1 year old today. Her mom just had surgery and isn't able to pick her up for the next 4 weeks, so I went over to help out where I could. It was nice to visit with my friend and get some toddler love at the same time. I love that age!

I'm looking forward to going to group tomorrow. Our group has really been growing lately. There is one mom in particular that I'm praying for. She has PPOCD and has really been struggling. I wish I knew all the right words to say to make her feel better. But when you are smack in the middle of this illness you really don't believe what other people try to tell you. You just want it to be over. You want to be better yesterday! Being a mom is one of the most amazing things you can do, and it stinks that some moms get dealt the perinatal mood disorder card. It just plain stinks, but I'm here to tell you that you will get better. It's gonna be okay.

Alright it's time for me to get in bed. I'll get off my soapbox. Have a great week! Oh and for the most part I find joy in helping my kids do their homework : )

My therapist says that the ball is in my court. It's up to me to choose if I'm going to do things differently. Um different would be the goal. I know I have all the "tools" to help me change. It's just that change is hard and from my experience it is often painful. Why would I want to sign up for that? I'll tell you why. Because I love my family and I want to be there for them. They deserve to have the best me.

MOODY MONDAY

YELLOW Life is good. I'm just trying to stay busy during the day. It helps that I workout three days a week. That takes up my whole morning. I seem to be doing well coming off my med. Although I'm not sleeping as well as I would like, so I will need to keep an eye on that.

Next month I get the opportunity to speak on a panel at another perinatal mood disorder training conference. I'm so excited to share my story again. I have had this picture hanging up in my room from the Kelly Rae Roberts collection for over a year now. It is a good reminder to me to tell my story and more importantly believe in healing. I still have moments where I feel like I am never going to be completely whole again and then I remember to have faith in the process and to believe in healing. It has already gotten so much better and I know if I continue to push myself and do the work I will keep progressing.

This week is therapy with the husband. I'm looking forward to it. It should be a good one. My husband is a trooper and I think that therapy has been helpful for us as a couple. I hope he feels the same way. I'm also looking forward to having my mom join me on the couch in a couple of weeks. I think it will be a positive experience for both of us. If anyone else wants to join me and my therapist for 40 minutes of pure enjoyment just let me know : )

Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY on a Tuesday

I hope you had a fantastic Labor Day weekend! Mine was very quiet. My husband took the kids up north while I stayed home to enjoy some time to myself. Truth is I should have gone with my family. Being alone wasn't as fun as I was hoping it would be. Oh well. It's done. Lesson learned.

I saw my therapist today and felt a little beat up. I really don't feel like talking about it, but I will say that I think I am going to take my mom up on her offer to go to therapy with me. My only concern is that the relationship we have will get worse by doing this. My therapist said your mom is not an idiot. She isn't expecting this to be a picnic. She wants to help you though. I'm willing to try anything. I can use all the help I can get.

I talked to the NP and she agreed to let me try to come off one of my meds. So far so good. I'm still taking a small dose every other day to wean off of it.

As for my mood I'm gonna say 4 pink. Earlier today I would have said 6 brown but I'm feeling a lot better so I'll stay on the positive side. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I played this Kelly Clarkson song for my therapist last Friday. This song reminds me of all the feelings I have associated with my parents. I'm tired of blaming my parents for my issues. My homework assignment is to take this song and go line by line and write what the negative meaning is behind each line. My therapist said she wants me to know just how much control I have given to my parents. I told her I know. She said pointing to her heart I want you to really know.

I see the NP tomorrow morning. I'm going to ask if I can try to come off one of my meds again. I tried once before to come off this one and it was recommended that I check into the hospital. I don't think it was exactly fair though because I blame it on the ADD medication that I started the same time I was weaning off the med. So we'll try again and see how it goes. Send prayers my way. Please and thank you.

I've been having some good days, so I'm going to go with YELLOW! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I just got home from my first official workout with my trainer. It didn't go so well. I'm so not use to physical activity and I embarrassingly threw up after pushing it too hard. Luckily someone got a garbage can to me just in time. My trainer felt really bad. She pointed to the other two trainers in the room and said this only happens to them. I'm supposed to be the nice trainer. It would be real easy for me to say never mind, but I'm not giving up. I go back on Wednesday to try again. This time it will only be for 30 minutes and we will go a lot slower.

I saw my therapist last Friday, and I'll see her again this Friday. It's been a long time since I've been two weeks in a row. I know awhile ago I said that I didn't need to go as often, but I think that I was just trying to escape before things got too hard for me. I've hit a wall. I know that if I want to get any better than where I'm at I'm gonna have to change some things. I realized on Friday that I still have a lot of pain associated with the choices that my parents have made and it is keeping me stuck where I'm at. My therapist asked me how long do I want to let who my parents are control me. I got tears in my eyes, but I wasn't able to answer her question, so that turned into my homework assignment. Write about and answer three questions. How long do I want to let who my parents are control me? How can I accept my parents for who they are? And what do I need to accept about them? Rarely do I show emotion, so my therapist was thrilled that she hit on something that made me cry, so we need to find out what it is about. So far I have a page and a half written. This is probably one of the most important assignments that I have been given and I'm taking it seriously. My husband laughs at me because I've been listening to my "angry music" and beating the heck out of my pillow to get in touch with my feelings. I say whatever it takes to get it out.

As for my mood I'm gonna say 5 purple. I really hate throwing up so that kinda ruined my day. No worries. I'll be fine tomorrow : ) Have a great week!

Get Down and Give Me 20!

I started seeing a personal trainer today. She was very nice. Nothing like the picture that I had in my head. Hopefully this will be the motivation I need to get in shape. I know that I will feel so much better mentally and physically by exercising. I just need a little help.

MOODY MONDAY

The first day of school was a success. I did shed a few tears sending them all off, otherwise I had a fantastic day with my husband who took the day off so we could spend our anniversary together. Love you babe!

Last week was rough for me. I struggled with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I heard of a girl in my area that committed suicide and it really hit home even though I didn't know her. We were the same age, had the same number of children, same faith, and she had postpartum psychosis. It just makes me wonder what her story was. Was she getting help for it? Did she have someone to talk to? Then the superhero in me that wants to save everyone comes out and I wonder what I can do so that this doesn't happen again. I don't have an answer, but I'm willing to figure it out. I've got lots of time on my hands : )

Went to therapy with my hubby last Friday. We talked about how I almost always attach a negative meaning to everything that happens in my life. Like when my son told the psychologist that I never go with them to Grandma's house to go swimming. All I heard was I'm a bad mom, and I was sure that that was what the psychologist was thinking too. My therapist said how bout you look at it this way. Your husband wants to spend quality time with his children and give you a little break from the kids, and shame on the psychologist if she did judge you. You are a great mom! My therapist asked where are you at because I was giving her a blank look. I told her I was upset with myself for not having this concept figured out yet. She was like oh brother and really!???? She said it's not about perfection! She then asked what I would write on my blog next and I said that I would write that my therapist yelled at me and she threw her head back yelling to the heavens always gotta be a victim! I can see how my thinking is more on the pessimistic side and with the help of my husband we are going to challenge those negative views. Having said that I will think positively and score my mood at 2 Green. not quite yellow but feeling much better than last week. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

4 pink I've had some sadness over the past week. I met with a child psychologist last week. She is going to be working with my oldest son who has had a lot of anxiety since our house was broken into last October. Meeting with her forced me to look at the past. It made me sad to realize that no matter how hard I tried to hide this illness from my family it still affected them. I can't dwell on all the things I shoulda coulda done. I can take care of me and my family today. I hope my family knows how much I love them.

I find joy in the fact that my 11 year wedding anniversary is this week, and lets not forget the first day of school which happens to fall on our anniversary. What a wonderful day Wednesday will be! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY on a Tuesday

I was a little under the weather yesterday with a bladder infection, but I'm feeling much better today :) One more week before school starts! I don't know if I should cry or jump up and down for joy. I think there will probably be a little bit of both. I know that I've mentioned this before but the beginning of the school year is the anniversary for me of when my PPOCD really kicked in full swing. It's been a long 5 years but I wouldn't change any of it. Well maybe if I could change one thing it would be to have gotten help when it first started, but even then I learned a lot about myself during the two years that I was silent. Faith in my savior Jesus Christ was key in my getting through those two years. There came a point though that I didn't want to just suffer and endure through it anymore. I knew that I couldn't be the wife and mother that I wanted to be by staying silent. My family deserved better. I'm proud of how far I've come. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but I know that I will get there. Have a great week! Oh dear I almost forgot to tell you where I'm at today. Yellow!

MOODY MONDAY

I saw my therapist this morning. I love how direct she is with me. Today she said that she isn't going to blow sunshine up my butt just to make me feel better. She said we have to deal with reality. Growing up reality was avoided in my house. There was always a big elephant in the room that never got discussed. It's still that way with my family. She pointed out that I have had more anxiety and depression since our last appointment where we talked about the reality of me having another child. I want everything to be unicorns and rainbows, and I don't want to deal with the fear and all the what ifs of having another baby. I have been avoiding my feelings by being tired and wanting to sleep my life away. I have allowed small things that have bothered me turn into big depressing things. Like my weight. I have gained over 25#'s since starting on the meds just over a year ago :( Instead of dealing with it and doing things like exercise, and eating healthier, I've let myself get depressed over it and I've listened to a lot of negative self talk. Blah Blah Blah. I'm tired of getting stuck in these old behavior patterns. It's time for me to really make some changes in my life. I have lots of great plans for myself once school starts up again. For now I will just enjoy having my kids home for the next couple of weeks. Oh and despite the anxiety and depression my mood has been yellow today! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

4 pink I'm feeling mixed emotions around here. Any confidence that I had in my ability to have another child is gone. I have a lot to work on. I'm thankful for my therapist and husband who push and challenge me. I will not just jump off my meds and get pregnant like I did last time. I will take things slow. I will make sure I'm in a good place. I've been doing good, but I need more stability under my belt. I need to make sure I want to have a baby for all the right reasons. I wish I wasn't so anxious and confused. If just the thought of having a baby makes me feel this way, than what would an actual baby do to me? This needs to be a happy choice, and all I feel right now is scared. I need to work on BEING a mom to the kids I already have. I need to set all this baby talk aside for now and just focus on me and my family.

Lots of changes are coming up next month. My sister is moving out :( We are all very sad about this, but hopefully it will be a good change for everyone. Also all of my children will be starting school. I'm going to have a lot of me time. I need to set some goals and have a plan to help me stay busy or else I can tell you right now my moods will not be pretty. Well I need to get off the computer and do some domestic things like dishes and make dinner. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I'll go with yellow! It was a good week. I was supposed to see my therapist this morning with my hubby, but she had to cancel because she is sick. We rescheduled for this Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. I want to talk about babies :)

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't be in therapy forever. As much as my therapist has been a pain in my butt I will miss her. She rescued me from the awful hell I was in, and I will be sad when I no longer get to talk to her on a regular basis. I know that I can always go back and that therapy can be one of my tools, but right now I probably don't need to go as much. I know I should be proud of that, but instead it just scares me. One of my homework assignments is to define my resources. Who can I go to, what can I do when I find myself struggling. My other assignment is to gather my thoughts and write out what I would say to my dad if he were to come to therapy with me. Just the thought of that makes me nauseated, but somehow I've got to figure out that relationship.

Anyways it's late and I need to go to bed. Good Night! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I'm yellow today! Just enjoying the day with my family! Have a Happy Fourth of July!

MOODY MONDAY

Went to the pharmacy today. Eighty-six bucks for thirty pills. I know it could be a lot worse so I wont complain too much. I saw the NP today and she said this is the best that she has seen me. I let her know that I'm getting baby hungry. We will talk again in a couple of months to see where I'm at and possibly work out a plan to start weaning off some of my meds. I'm not going to rush it though. If there's one thing I learned from my last experience with stopping meds to get pregnant it is to take things slooooow.

I'm at a 3 aqua today. I didn't sleep very well last night and it has made for a bit of a rougher day. That and the kids have been naughty lately. Only 44 days till school starts:) Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

I got me some baby love last week from this cutie and he melted my heart. I've been pretty content lately with the three kiddos that I have, but this baby reminded me of the desires of my heart. It's not time yet, but one day I know that I will be ready for this. With the help of "my team" I will be able to bring another sweet spirit into this world and our family. I know that I am at high risk for developing another perinatal mood disorder and that it could be worse than before. I also know that this is treatable, and should I find myself back in that hell, I know that I will not be alone. That's the worst part of my whole story. I was alone for so long and it didn't have to be that way. I find comfort in knowing that I have the best family and friends and that there will be many pairs of eyes watching me and making sure that all goes well next time around.

For now though I will continue to focus on my recovery which has been going quite well. Hello Yellow! Summer is flying by! I'm finding joy in spending time with my kids, and I won't lie. It helps that they go to summer camp four days a week for four hours a day :) Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

So just over a month ago I drove around in my car for about 20 minutes not realizing that my sunglasses looked liked this, and I just knew that there was some sort of lesson I could learn from this silliness. When I first put on the glasses I was in my dark garage getting ready to back out. Something seemed kinda funny but I wasn't able to tell what it was. Even when the sunlight was hitting me in the face I wasn't able to tell that one of the lenses was missing. It wasn't until my daughter said Mom somethings wrong with your glasses that I took them off and realized that the lense was gone. I couldn't believe that I had driven around for that long looking like that, and that I wasn't able to see with my own eyes what was going on. It took someone on the outside to help me figure it out.

I would like to relate this to my depression and anxiety. First of all I can't believe I have been living like this for the past five years not being able to see all the good that is around me. I know that I have a great life, but with the darkness of depression it was hard for me to really even care about my life or the people in it. I didn't see all the good that was right in front of my face. Then there is the anxiety which makes everything appear to be something it's not. I hate anxiety! It's amazing what anxiety can do to you physically and mentally. I'm learning to control it. My husband is learning how to help me with it. By the way our appointment went fabulous! I didn't get yelled at, and I think we both learned a lot about how to help me with the anxiety and the thoughts. I feel like I have been in the light for the past six months or so, but at times it has still been hard for me to see, and so I get help from the outside. I trust others to see for me, as they help me figure it all out.

The lesson that I learned is when you are struggling with anything in life it's always best to have a second pair of eyes. Find that someone that you can trust your life with, and when you can't see because things are too dark, let that someone see for you. I also learned that maybe I should get my eyes checked =)

I hope you are all having a fabulously yellow day like I am. Happy Monday!

MOODY MONDAY

Is it Monday already!? That week sure flew by. I had a couple of rough days, but all in all it was a good week. Today is a GREEN day! Ask me how I'm feeling tomorrow after I go to therapy with my husband. Last time I got beat up :) I'll let you know how it goes this time. Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

SCHOOLS OUT! Yea for summer! Even better is the color YELLOW! So far so good on the Deplin. My mind feels clearer. I started keeping a thought journal so that I can better track how often the intrusive thoughts are happening, what they are about, and how they make me feel. I've never really tracked them before, and my therapist and the NP always ask how are the thoughts, and I don't think I've ever given them an accurate answer to that question. Hopefully by doing this we will all have a better look at what is really happening in my brain. I thought that the thoughts would increase if I was watching out for them, but so far it has shown me that they aren't as often or severe as they used to be. Out of the last six days I've had two days without any thoughts. The other four days I had 1-2 thoughts a day, and out of all those thoughts only two really bothered me. The two that bothered me were accompanied with mental images while the rest of the thoughts were not. So if I can stop the thought before it gets to the mental image stage then my anxiety doesn't increase and I'm able to not let the thought affect me. All good things to know.

Have a wonderful week! Oh and I found joy in having some alone time while my husband took the kids up north for the weekend. Bless my husband he really knows how to have a good time with the kids. Thanks babe. I love you!

MOODY MONDAY

5 purple. I've never had a purple Monday before. It's not bad. I just honestly don't know how I'm feeling today. It could go either way, so I picked the middle. I'm coming off a frustrating week for myself. I saw the NP this morning and I told her I'm ready to be done with everything. I want to be well. I want to get past this part of my life. I guess what I'm wondering is if i can move past it, but still be able to help others get through it. Or if doing things like the warmline and going to support groups just keeps me stuck in it. There's no question in my mind that I want to be able to do what I can to raise awareness about this illness. I just want to do what is going to be best for me.

So after I politely told the NP I was tired of coming to see her and all the med changes, we decided to add a new med:) It's called Deplin. It's considered a medical food whatever that means. Look it up if you want. It's kind of interesting. It's basically just folate. I've read some good things about it. Fingers are crossed that this is the extra kick in the butt that I need. I see my therapist tomorrow morning which I'm sure will also involve some butt kicking:)

I'm finding joy in kisses from my six year old. I don't even have to ask for them. First thing in the morning he runs up to me and gives me a hug and kiss, and then I try to eat the freckles right off his face. Warms my heart! Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

Hello Yellow! I had a pretty good week. My husband and I went to our first therapy appointment together. I was worried that he was going to say some things that would be hard for me to hear, but he didn't have to say very much. He sat back while my therapist really let me have it. I don't mind when she beats me up. It just makes me fight that much harder to get better. It takes me a couple of days to process what happens in therapy, so a couple of days after the session I realized I didn't really like what she had to say to me, so I emailed her and let her know how I was feeling. She replied I could almost see you yelling at me, good job! She likes to tease that it is her goal to get me to yell in a session. I tend to not show emotion of any kind. I think a lot of people misunderstand me because of my lack emotion. My homework assignment is to pay attention to others facial expressions and how it relates to the way they are feeling. I also have to practice making my own faces in the mirror. Happy face :) Sad face :( Angry face :{ Scared face :o. I feel pretty silly, but it's a good thing for me to figure out.

I can't believe school is almost out. I'm very much looking forward to summer vacation. It will be nice to not have to worry about waking up in the morning. I should say nice for my husband. He's the one getting up with the boys and getting them ready for school. In the fall all 3 kids will be in school! Hallelujah the day is almost here. Not that I don't love my kids because I do very much. It will just be good for them to have their time and me to have mine.

Happy Monday!

MOODY MONDAY

4 Pink Its been a little up and down for the past few days. I've been irritable and tired even though I'm getting enough sleep and I have no reason to be cranky. I put in a call to the NP to see if she wants to adjust anything. I'm only taking two different meds right now and they are both low doses so maybe something just needs to be bumped up a little bit. Enough of that.

I had a wonderful Mothers Day! At church they gave all the mothers a book with questions that they asked all the kids and the answers that they gave. Here are the answers that my kids gave.

If your mom could have one wish, what would she wish for? Mason-1,000,000 purses, Tanner-hugs and kisses from me, Gemma-to love me

How does your mom make you feel special? Mason-she feeds me, Tanner-she takes me to the store, Gemma-she gives me a treat

What is your mom's favorite thing to say? Mason-do your homework, Tanner-what do you want for your birthday, Gemma-don't touch anything

What have you learned from your mom? Mason-to be good, Tanner-how to ride my bike in the street, Gemma-how to read

What is your favorite thing to do for your mom? Mason-do stuff, Tanner-give her a present, Gemma-clean up

What is your favorite thing about your mom? Mason-she's awesome, Tanner-that she is mine, Gemma-I love to hug her

If your mom could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? Mason-Alaska, Tanner-her bathroom, Gemma-to church

What is your mom's favorite thing to do? Mason-shopping, Tanner-making stuff with wood and painting it, Gemma-clean her room

If you could buy something for your mom, what would it be? Mason-the titanic, Tanner-a toy piggy, Gemma-a new tv

Anyways warms my heart to be the mother of these amazing children. Have a fantastic week!

Hope

I signed up for something called daily hope over at Postpartumprogress.com a month or so ago. I love this website and I love getting a daily email with encouraging supportive words. Today's daily hope really hit home for me.


"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts." ~ Marcus Aurelius

"Only nine words and this quote says so much. The first thing I think of when I read it is my intrusive thoughts and how they were so painful that they really did feel like they were crushing my soul, altering it forever in some way. The second thing I think of, though, is the fact that we have the power to affect the impact our thoughts have on us. We feel them, yes, but we can also learn to manage them. We can learn mindfulness, we can learn cognitive behavioral techniques, and we can do whatever it takes to make sure they don't use permanent dye by understanding that they come from our illness and do not reflect our true nature as human beings."- Katherine Stone

Three weeks ago I learned just how powerful the mind can be. I could not stop the thoughts and I felt like at any moment I was going to slip into a hallucination. It literally felt like I was about to check out of life and it was scary. I also learned that I am stronger than my thoughts. I was able to hang on and be mindful of all the circumstances surrounding the way I was feeling. I have come out of this experience with a sense of strength in myself. My thoughts do not reflect who I am and I am going to beat this stupid illness!!

Have a fantastic weekend!

MOODY MONDAY Wednesday Edition

I AM YELLOW! Gray to yellow in 2 weeks. Yay me! I had a wonderful time at woman's conference last week. On the flight up I sat next to my therapist from 16 years ago who just happened to be going to woman's conference too. It was nice to visit with her and catch her up on all that has happened in my life since seeing her last. I also had a good time staying with my cousin Robyn. She just had a baby a little over a month ago, and it was nice to get me some baby lovin and to visit with her family. My favorite quote from conference was "keep it small, keep it simple, give it time." It's a good reminder to keep doing the small and simple things, be patient, and great things will come to pass.

If there's one thing I've learned from PPOCD it is patience. I mean really its been almost five years. I've definitely given it some time. I continue to learn and grow through this process. I can see the blessings that have come out of this trial and I know great things will continue to happen for me. Another good quote from conference is " In the end everything will be okay, and if it isn't okay then it isn't the end."

Thanks again to everyone who has reached out to me. I can feel your love and support. I have been able to recover quite well and quickly from where I was at 2 1/2 weeks ago. Happy Wednesday!

MOODY MONDAY

4 Pink Yay for feeling so much better. It was a long week, but a good one. I've been able to stay busy and not lay around marinating in thoughts all day. I have a busy week planned. Tomorrow I will see the NP again. Hopefully not too many changes will be made. Then I'm going out to lunch with a friend from the support group I attend. Then Wednesday I'm packing my bags and taking off to Utah to attend Woman's Conference at BYU for the third year in a row. I love love love my husband for letting me take this time for myself. Its always been a positive experience for me and I can really use it this time around. I will miss my girlfriends that have come with me in the past. My thoughts and prayers will be back home with my friend whose mother passed away yesterday. I'm going to be staying with one of my fabulous cousins, and I look forward to spending some time with her and her family. Everyone take care and have a wonderful week. Happy Monday!

It's Gonna Be OK

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. I saw this on a church sign and it made me smile. I saw my therapist today and we talked about all that has been happening for me over the past few weeks. She said there were just too many stressors that occured all at the same time. She asked if we could just look at this experience as the perfect storm and move past it. We don't need to dwell on all that has happened. I don't want to fall so far back that I lose everything that I have worked towards over the last year. I need to own what is mine and keep moving forward. Things to work on over the next couple of weeks. DO NOT MARINATE IN THE THOUGHTS! Keep track of destructive thoughts and turn them into helpful thoughts. Keep talking to my husband. Get rid of the ADD med. I told her that I really liked the way it made me feel, and she said that's because it's like taking speed. She said when you get home you need to dispose of the med and then call and tell me that you did it. She didn't want me to have that temptation of taking any more of it. Anyways, I'm picking up the pieces and putting me back together. I'm back to heading in the right direction. Happy Wednesday!

MOODY MONDAY part two

I just wanted to get back on here and let you know that I'm feeling a lot better. I'd like to end my day at a 6 brown. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me today. I have really felt the love. Thank you especially to my mom who showed up this morning with tulips and dark chocolate. She left her job to come spend the day with me. She did my dishes, scrubbed my kitchen floor and who knows what else she did. We ate lunch together. We talked. We played scrabble. I won. It was a good day. I had a lot easier time controlling my thoughts today. I feel myself getting stronger with each day that I'm not taking that medication. I love you all! Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

9 gray Turns out I'm just not compatible with certain medications. I'm really quite angry that I've had this big setback. I was doing so well, and now I'm fighting like crazy just to keep my head above water. I'm tired. I spoke to my therapist on Tuesday and I will see her in 2 days. I saw the NP on Thursday and we are switching around some meds and she also recommended that I check myself into a behavioral health hospital for 5 days to make sure I'm safe. When she asked me if I would like her to put me in the hospital, inside my head I was screaming yes, but I just shook my head no. What about my family, my husband? Who would watch the kids? What would people think about me? That would be a lot of money! I think that I am strong enough to not do anything stupid. I'm just sooooo tired of fighting. I've come so far. I can't stop fighting now, and I won't! This is just a bump in the road. Things will smoothe out and I will be fine. Until then I'll just keep hanging on. I can do this!

MOODY MONDAY

6 Brown My anxiety has been through the roof over the past week and it's wearing me down. I've called my therapist. I've emailed my therapist, and I'll probably call her again before the week is over. I can feel myself slipping backwards and I'm just trying to hang on. I've been using my tools. Thought records, deep breathing, trying to stay present, and talking to my husband. That last one is kinda tricky. I know that my husband wants to understand what I'm going through, but at the same time it just stresses him out and makes him feel like a useless husband. Which completely is not the case!!! Are you hearing me babe? I have the greatest husband in the whole wide world. I don't know anyone that could handle our situation with as much patience and love as my husband does. Before my husband left for work today he said I'm sorry that your life stinks. That made me sad, and I tried to explain that my life does not stink. I know that I have a great life! I have 5 incredible kids, and an amazing husband. My life is good, and I'm even happy for the most part. It's just this darn anxiety is killing me. It's probable that my new medication has increased the anxiety. I'll be seeing the NP on Thursday to discuss it and undoubtedly there will be a change made to my meds. For now I'll just keep on breathing and try to stay busy. Have a happy Monday!

Sad day

So yesterday I went to group and found out that one of the other moms tried to take her own life over the weekend. My heart breaks for my friend. We shared our stories together at the training last week and it was just to much for her to handle. She wasn't ready. I wish there was something that I could say that would make her feel better. Sometimes I feel like I should be able to save the universe and yesterday was one of those days. It caused me a lot of sadness and anxiety knowing that I have no control over the universe and that the only person I can really save is myself. I started to doubt whether or not I should be telling my story. In sharing my story I want to help other women, but I feel like maybe my story is more discouraging than encouraging. Especially for someone who is suffering they probably don't want to hear that I have been struggling for five years. I started to blame myself for my friends actions. I had to call my therapist to process through my thoughts. She was like REALLY you want to take that on yourself it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I could hear her eyes rolling over the phone. I knew that my thoughts were irrational. I think that what was happening for me was that I was having normal sad feelings and I just didn't know what to do with them. Feelings are not my specialty:) Anyways I'm feeling better today although I am a little anxious because my husband is going to be talking to my therapist tonight on the phone. I'm realizing that for the past year it has been all about me, and maybe now it is time to be about us as a couple. I think it would be good for us to have some sessions together. If there is one thing that I learned at the training it is that perinatal mood disorders affect the entire family, not just the mom. I feel lucky that my husband is willing and wants to talk about his experience. I think it will be good for both of us. Have a great day!

MOODY MONDAY

2 Green I would just like to start out by saying how much fun I had at the two day training on perinatal mood disorders. It was awesome to be in a room full of people dedicated to the well being of moms in the state of Arizona. Telling my story went well. A year ago I never would have thought that I would be talking to a group of sixty people about my intrusive thoughts and most personal moments of my life. If my story can help others than I'm happy to tell it. I'm going to join the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition where I will be able to help raise awareness in the community about perinatal mood disorders. All good things happening around here. I had therapy today. I'm down to only going once a month now. We talked about how that makes me nervous to go so long, but she says I'm doing well and that I need to believe in myself. I told her that I feel like the PPOCD is never going to be completely gone and she compared it to her daughter that has wavy hair. Her daughter hates her hair and wishes it was strait. She said my daughter has a choice. All she has to do is use a blow dryer and her hair will go straight. Similarly all I need to do is use the tools that I have learned in therapy to fight this. I know that I will have bad days. I need to not marinate in the sadness of a bad day and just keep pushing forward. Deep down I know that PPOCD wont be forever. One things for sure I will never be the same person. I will be better and stronger than I was before this experience. Have a fabulous week!

MOODY MONDAY

YELLOW! I had a fantastic weekend with the family! We decided Friday night at 5 o'clock to go to Vegas. Two hours later we were in the car and on our way. We really wanted to show our foreign exchange student a good time. We thought it was a shame for her to come all the way to America and all she gets to see is Arizona. We had a great time!

I saw the NP last week and she prescribed me a new medication. I know that the idea was for me to go down on the number of meds that I'm on, but I feel good about this decision. I was talking to her about how I feel like there is still something wrong with me that hasn't ever been addressed. She asked the right questions and we both feel like I might have ADD. I think it's something I've had my whole life, and I'm thrilled to finally be getting some help for it.

The two day training is this Thursday and Friday. I will be speaking on Thursday. I'm a little bit nervous, but so excited to become more educated on this disorder. It's important to talk about these issues so that other moms don't feel alone like I did. Have a great week!

MOODY MONDAY

2 Green I went to group last week and they convinced me that I need to be more specific in my story that I share at the training coming up. So I have been working on adding some details that are a little more difficult for me to share. I was pretty vague in my survivor story that I posted a couple weeks ago. I wasn't sure how much information I wanted to share, but I'm going to be speaking to a group of professionals and they need to know what can happen when someone suffers from a perinatal mood disorder and doesn't get the right kind of treatment. Here are the couple of paragraphs that I have decided to add to my story.

The thoughts and images that used to be in my mind started happening outside of my body and I was terrified. I had two of these episodes. I knew that what I was seeing wasn’t really there. The first one happened a few days after I found out that I was going to miscarry. I was standing in the bathroom crying and I looked in the mirror and saw it shatter. I looked down at my arm and saw that it was covered in cuts. I knew that I had to get out of that bathroom. As I walked out of my bedroom and down the hallway I saw holes punched in the wall. I just kept walking. I knew that I would be ok once I was around someone. My second episode happened a few weeks after I miscarried. I was looking at my daughter and her face started to spin and bruises started to appear on her face. I knew that if I kept looking I was going to see a monster. I wasn’t able to look at my children for days after. This time there was no debate. I knew that I needed to go back on medication.

I had about 4 recurring thoughts that caused me great anxiety. I couldn’t bathe the children without thinking that I would drown them. I didn’t like to be in the kitchen because I was afraid that I would hurt me or my children with a knife. While driving I would have the thought to crash the car. The thought that bothered me the most was every time we would get in the car to go somewhere I would have the thought to start the car and not open the garage. All of my thoughts were accompanied by pictures or videos. I would see everything happening in my mind. I was afraid to talk about what was happening to me out of fear that my children would be taken away from me.

I can't believe all that was happening just a year ago. I feel so disconnected from that person. Thank goodness! Today is actually the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I thought that March was going to be a hard month for me, but instead I've only seen the positive and how far I have come. Yea me!

Today I am finding joy in the rain. Love the rain! Have a fabulous week!